HOW TO DEAL WITH HURTFUL COMMENTS?

I suspect your mother's a bit ill - she's certainly high on the insensitivity meter.

How old are you? If you're over 18, save your money and move out if you haven't already. Your mother is toxic and there's no need to hang around.

If you aren't, then I'd still say, save your money and see about getting away when you do turn 18. I would suggest counseling but she'll feel she doesn't need it and you definitely don't because you know the root of the problem already.

I would also suggest cultivating a relationship with your cousin who at least tried to change the subject - there's a person who has a clue.

Jettison toxic people from your life, even if they're family. Genetic kinship doesn't give people the right to treat each other like dirt.

If this is true (I have no reason to doubt you), these people are a collection of the shallowest, colossally ignorant and insensitive people.

Try to remember this quote (in reference to them):
" Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone"

re your mom telling you your eyes stick out, etc.....you might reply "well, you gave birth to me, so they came from you."

Mina - you seem to have a good handle on what is happening. Wise girl!!

As someone said before, "Hurting people hurt other people."

So that's what's going on around your home.

I feel sorry for your sister. She has a lot of pressure on her because she is the beautiful one and much will be expected of her.

You, on the other hand, are wise and beautiful because of that! Good luck and keep your eyes looking forward.

The best way to deal with hurtful comments is to ignore them. I know that is sometimes difficult, especially if the comments come from family. But I've learned that one of the secrets to being happy is to be comfortable with who you are and what you look like. I truly do not care what people think about me or say about me because I've learned I cannot control them. BUT, I can control my reaction. I like me. I like the person I am. I am comfortable with who I am. I really don't give a rip about what someone says about me. It is their problem, not mine.

So, all that to simply say to be comfortable and proud of who you are. God made you that way. And I've always heard that God doesn't make mistakes.

Of course, telling your mom you got the eyes from her is a pretty good piece of advice also. A good comeback to let the person know that you think very little of their opinion can go a long way toward making you feel better. lol

Good luck. Oh, and if you can, you might want to seriously think about one day putting this family of yours in the rear view mirror and never looking back. Family should be the people you count on to fix the hurt, not the people dishing out the hurt.

How insensitive! We are the product of all of our ancestors which was not 'our' choice. But for your own parents to belittle your looks is based on ignorance; they controlled what you look like; it's the same with anything else that children inherited from their parents.

Best advise; move out as soon as possible to remove yourself from that damaging environment. I moved out when I was 17 years old; my stepfather was a monster.

Try to build up your own self-esteem by being successful in whatever you do; nobody can take that away.

There is a myth in our society, actively pushed by TV and magazines that there is a narrow standard of beauty for women, that all men want a certain look. That is completely false. It varies from man to man but the reality is that any given man finds most women attractive. Some guys may like tall women, some short, some heavier, some lighter, some more athletic, some softer, but the reality is that most guys like most women. The idea that guys only like 1% of the women and all women need to look like that is laughably false. Look around you at the couples you see? Is everyone beautiful? Are all the beautiful people happy?

What will really make you attractive not only to men but to everyone is confidence, something that your family seems to be trying to strip from you. You ask how to deal with the hurtful comments and my advice is to find what you excel at and then excel some more. Academics, sports, politics, music, whatever your passion is, drive to be the best you can be and engage with others who feel the same. When you talk to like minded people and the fire is in your eyes and the authority rings in your voice, I guarantee you will be attractive in ways that completely drown out mere physical beauty and will last long after looks start to fade.

As for your family, I would eschew attempts at delivering a great zinger. They're not going to get it anyway. Just laugh it off knowing that there is far more to personal worth than what is skin deep.

PS: Don't assume your Dad's silence when he was not aware you heard the discussion as agreement.

People experience the world in 3 different ways: visually, kinetically/feelings, and auditorially. We have another sense (taste), but it rarely affects how we think. For every person, one of those senses is strongest in their life.

The largest group by far is those who's primary experience life visually: I see what you are talking about, he's so shady, they have a sunny disposition etc. They also experience the other senses, but not to the same degree.

There is a rather small percentage of people out there whose primary experience of life is their feelings, closely followed by their auditory sense( ie. the visual - belonging to the largest group by far, is last, hence why it's a small percentage)....they are extremely sensitive to the way something is said.

Given that so many people are saying nasty things - I wonder if you belong to this group.

It shows up in many places, including how a person speaks:

Feeling words: that doesn't feel right (the obvious), I can't grasp it (it's very closely related to touch), I get a sense that (sense is another term for feeling), that was uplifting, how passionate was she,etc...and how much you think these sort of thoughts compared to the others.

auditory : that doesn't sound right (the obvious), you've got an ear for this, she was so loud, I love crooners, etc

Visual: I see what you are talking about (the obvious), I can't imagine it, you're daydreaming, picture this..., etc

There's lots of other words related to each field. In sales if you use words for the same primary category as your client, you are much more likely to form a connection with them.
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The point of asking if you are feeling/auditory is that people are often enough slightly insensitive without recognising it, and with having a negative view of the person they are talking to...but usually only the feeling/auditory person will hear it in when they speak (for they can much more easily hear the feeling behind the words, and/or they place words into a context of meaning and feeling).

That is to say - very few people who experience life in other ways - experience the amount of insentivity that feeling/auditory people do...just because the feeling/auditory people detect insensitivity that much more easily.
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In terms of how to deal with hurtful comments: it becomes easier as you:
- become more independent
- accept yourself for who you are, both strengths & weaknesses
- learn your values & find those characteristics in yourself that you value
- learn to stand up for yourself, respectfully
- doing things that give you a sense of accomplishment
- finding the value in others, not for their appreciation, but simply because you value certain character traits in others
(these are all parts of becoming more genuine, and growing your self esteem - the two are integrally linked)
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Best wishes