Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Just....why?

Forums: Relationships, Cheating, Men, Multiple Whys
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I have been with my boyfriend for two years. We live together and have been been planning our future together. He is a musician and has been working on cruise ships on and off for the last year but he has quit that now as he he hates being away from me. I know he loves me and I very much love him and want nothing more than the future we had planned together.

HOWEVER!!! He is currently away for the week. He told me that a group he met on the cruise are hosting a week long party and have asked him to play. They wouldn't pay him but would pay for his flights, accommodation, food etc. There was something about this didn't quite ring true with me and I asked him many times what he was really going away for, telling him outright I didn't believe him. He stuck to the story and the more details he gave the more it sounded plausible. I left him to the airport the other morning, without his guitar which immediately rang alarm bells again.

Yesterday, I was doing some work on the computer and his Facebook was logged in. I have never snooped before but I couldn't help myself. Glad I did! It turns out that he is spending this week with a woman he met on the cruise, who is 15 years older than him, married and obviously rich...she's paying for everything. The messages between them were REALLY hard to read. Very sexual. I am beyond devastated. Obviously he doesn't know I know yet or that when he gets back on Friday all his belongings will be packed and we're done.

Outside of all those details, my question is really this...WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why would he plan this week with her? Why would he lie so blatantly to me? Why give up his job for me only to jepeordize our relationship? What is he getting from this (apart from the obvious. That makes me feel sick)? I feel like a complete fool. He's a jealous person. Now I know why!!! Does he actually love me? I said I know he does but does he just think he does? We're not exactly kids here. Why plan a life with me?

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Type: Question • Score: 10 • Views: 1,889 • Replies: 13

@purpleduck,

Fifteen years older than him? She has money? He is a musician?

Sounds like he found a sugarmomma.

I wouldn't even bother with those questions you are asking. It is only going to drive you crazy. You have all the proof you need to decide to end it or be apart of it. Love is fickle. He might love you but does keeping secrets and running off to have a vacation with another woman sound like love? No need to keep twisting the knife, just pull yourself together and move on. Hurts yeah but you don't deserve to keep punishing yourself with wanting to know why he is doing this to you. Just be glad you weren't further along in your relationship, with kids or married, mortgage ect.

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@purpleduck,

If he actually took off for a supposed gig without his guitar...

...he is telling you something loud and clear.

You didn't need the emails...you didn't need to snoop.

Get the message...and move on.

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Why don't you ask him? What can a bunch of strangers tell you?

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@purpleduck,

Doncha know what they call musician with no girlfriend?

Homeless.

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@purpleduck,

purpleduck wrote:

Why give up his job for me only to jepeordize our relationship?

are you sure he actually gave up the job because of you? I'd doubt that.

sounds like he's got a lot going on that doesn't involve you or things he discusses with you

packing up his stuff as you've noted is best. he can sort himself out without you.

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@purpleduck,

It's a good thing this happened before you had a family with this person.

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@purpleduck,

'Why' is immaterial.

Most people asking 'why' in this circumstance are looking for an excuse to stay - often no matter how implausible.

Personally, when he arrives back, it should be to changed locks, and his guitar outside (or at his parents if you don't want the banging on the doors and the 'I did it for us, I thought I could make us rich' type excuses)

1 Reply

@vikorr,

Yep, the 'why' of it is doesn't matter.

It happened. It's all over but the shouting.

1 Reply

@jespah,

sounds like he was a bass player.

no moral fiber, them...

1 Reply

@Rockhead,

Quote:

sounds like he was a bass player.

Wait!
I resemble that remark!

http://i143.photobucket.com/albums/r147/panzade/Iplaybass_zps3cac7c7d.jpg

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@purpleduck,

'Why would he plan a week with her? Why would he lie so blatantly to me?' He did those things because he's a cheating asshole who wants a relationship with you AND casual sex/other relationships on the side.

I don't know if he loves you, it's possible to betray someone and love them at the same time. It's possible to plan a life with someone, and cheat on them while you do. Hell, it's possible to secretly factor long term cheating into that life plan. It's possible to do a multitude of unbelievably cruel **** to the people you love. Sadly, loving you doesn't absolve him of his infidelities.

If you don't want to work past the cheating (totally understandable) then I'd say you should only ask him 'why?' for the sake of closure once you've processed your feelings. Don't drive yourself insane wondering what she has that you don't. The reason your boyfriend cheated is that he doesn't respect your relationship.

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I doubt if you will get your answer to the WHY. Cheaters are never that self aware.

(He got an offer he couldn't refuse)

The big question is WHAT you are going to to and WHERE you are going to throw his junk and HOW you are going to go on - with head held high- when this liar, cheater, deceiver, foolish, humiliating, little boy comes home.

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@purpleduck,

drop him. hes a loser. cheaters get no sympathy. He doesn't love you.

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Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Just....why?

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