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Tue 10 Dec, 2013 10:46 am
My boyfriend recently lost his job so he's at home 24/7. He makes YouTube videos and is trying to build his YouTube name. Lately he has mentioned he "needs space." Just the other night, I got home from work and was exhausted. I wanted him to come talk to me while I took a shower so we could catch up on our days. He stated, "I've already spent all night with you." (Mind you, I got home at 6:00PM after work + grocery shopping, made dinner, and he told me this at 7:30PM). Almost every night I come home, he's on the computer. Like I said, he isn't working so he is on the computer a lot. He wakes up and gets on the computer and before he goes to sleep, he generally spends the last few hours of his night with his computer...not to mention the hours he spends when I'm at work. I understand he is trying to build a name for himself.
There's this one girl in particular he has been talking to almost daily and she is very flirtatious. He says he's indifferent to it, but I don't believe that, especially because he has private Skype conversations with this girl. Honestly, she hasn't done that much for him. She does share a lot of his material, but she is not popular enough to make a difference. He also shares her stuff and encourages her consistently, even though to me he speaks poorly of her work. She also uses unnecessary heart symbols, ridiculous amounts of childish winky faces, and other random symbols to express how she feels about him. It's not a big deal, but if you're trying to be professional, you wouldn't want someone using emoticons all over your networking sites. I've tried to show my support through my own networks that I have connections with, but he declines my help. He'll say "thank you" but then when I make requests back he refuses to share my material, even though it will benefit him. His excuse is that his audience wouldn't want to see my posts.
What I don't understand is how he can be consistently talking to this girl who only flirts with him, but doesn't benefit/further his YouTube career, but when I give him legitimate help he doesn't want it. He has all the time for himself now but wants space when I want to be close or just chat.
I don't know what to do.
@luv2luv,
Quote:What I don't understand
What I don't understand is why you haven't told him to get up off his butt and look for a job. And while looking he can at least make dinner for the two of you.
What exactly is he trying to do on FB? How does "making a name for himself" on FB help with his career?
Personally, it sounds like he is enjoying playing around on the computer all day while you work to support him. I think you need to nip this in the bud.
@CoastalRat,
Agree. I wouldn't stay with someone who flirts online with girls and doesn't pay attention to me, much less earns money!
@CoastalRat,
He is looking for another job. I try not to bug him because he gets irritated when I ask. I feel helpless sometimes. He will help with dinner sometimes, but it's generally making it. I won't lie... I'd like to come home each day to dinner ready.
He's "marketing" himself by trying to follow a bunch of people on Twitter and other websites that are into the things he's into. It's harder for him, though, because the YouTube channel he's trying to have already has big name YouTubers taking all the "fame."
@luv2luv,
Agree with all.
You work all day to support yourself and him, shop for groceries with your money, cook the meals and he doesn't have time to spend with you. I don't even need to hear about the other female type. Just lose him!
By the way, do you have any idea how many other people thought they were going to support themselves or even get rich off of some internet scheme? He might as well be playing WoW to pick up pointers for the next great online game that's going to make him rich.
He's already living in a fantasy world. Don't move in with him.
@luv2luv,
While "building a name for himself" he can also do the grocery shopping and whatever's necessary to get dinner on the table.
Tell him you expect him to pull his load in your domestic partnership, that you're not going to continue to do it all. If he's not adult enough to understand that, and agree to do that, get rid of him.
And yes, he does seem to enjoy online and Skype flirting with that girl to spending time with you. Why? She doesn't make real-life demands of him.
He's just using you and giving very little back.
Why are you putting up with this?
@luv2luv,
It sounds like you're doing all the work in the relationship. Really grocery shopping and cooking after working?! Wow you must really want this guy. How much does he want you? How does he show it to you? It's not about what woman is available but to whom he is providing attention, loyalty, and particularly his off work time.
@Germlat,
My mother said something fantastic to me once : There are no victims ..only volunteers..pissed me off after thinking about it and I left the jerk.
@luv2luv,
luv2luv wrote:....
He's "marketing" himself by trying to follow a bunch of people on Twitter and other websites that are into the things he's into. It's harder for him, though, because the YouTube channel he's trying to have already has big name YouTubers taking all the "fame."
A lot of people are trying to do this. It is a lousy way to make a name for yourself. You do not get anything out of following; you get it out of making compelling content for others to consume and share.
Doing the follow thing is not marketing; it is hanging around and pretending to be doing something. It won't get him any closer to employment than rearranging his sock drawer will.
His internet use is an addiction now - perhaps he's hiding there or it's a stress-reducing thing. Now it has gone from job seeking to flirting with other girls.
In ay case, YOU need to decide if you want to live like this - because it is NOT going to change, believe me.
Give him a deadline and follow thru with it. He needs some kind of threat to snap himself out of this. (But I really think the signs were there all that time, you just didn't see them)
@Mame,
It's a very difficult situation for me. He wasn't like this until he lost his job. I love him so much and I don't want to throw away something when I know it's not who he is. You know?
@roger,
We already live together. He lost his job 2 days before Thanksgiving and wasn't like this until then, so you can see where I'm torn on what to do.
@firefly,
Like I've been telling others, he was never like this until he lost his job. I don't hope this is who he really is...
@Germlat,
Our love languages are very different. I touch on every part of showing I care by telling, showing, and gift giving. He does more "showing" than anything by doing housework during the day sometimes, but I need him to be more proactive with us. And yes, I have addressed this with him... many times.
He always uses the excuse "I am who I am." I never asked for him to change the person he was, but to be better for us. I make efforts to be better for us and give examples, but he doesn't seem to want to try.
@jespah,
He does make efforts to apply for jobs, but no more than a few internet searches and that's it. He's not proactive with going to local companies or asking around. He used to always say that he wants a job where I wouldn't have to work and he doesn't like that I'm the one supporting us. My thought process is this: If you truly feel that way, you'd be making every effort to find employment; more than just looking online hoping someone will call for an interview.
@luv2luv,
So does the conflict of him not working simply intensify feelings..sounded like you had major issues before that. Yeah ok..he is who he is but..the ability to compromise means you are willing to give something up to be with the person you love.. If he is completely rigid..he either doesn't love you or is terribly selfish. Either way people only give of themselves what they want. It's a matter of choice you see.
@Germlat,
I believe you're right. Him not working does intensify feelings I have. I find myself thinking about how I wish I could just lose my job and be taken care of. Although, that's not the type of woman I am as I've always been independent. But it must be nice to be taken care of; to lose your job and still have a secure roof over your head; plenty of food to eat; and everyday luxuries at your fingertips that you don't have to pay for. To have no worries about how the bills will get paid or what you'll eat for dinner.
I've explained to him that there has to be a willingness to let go of who he was before me; not to change who he was, but to realize that no two relationships are the same. Even the relationship he has with himself will change once he became partnered with someone. I tell him that he can't bring bricks from his past and expect to build something with me because it won't stand for long.
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