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In love but needing some help.

 
 
Reply Sun 14 Nov, 2010 09:59 pm
I have been dating a widow for almost 3 months now, and I have fallen in love with her, but she often brings up the husband that she lost to cancer last year. I know it will probably take more time for her to get over him, but I feel like I'm in a tug of war between me and his memories. I do love her, but I sometimes feel like I can't compete with the memories she has of him. I'm actually feeling sad, because it seems like she still has strong feelings about him and I want her to like me. I don't know how to handle this. Someone please give me some advice.
 
CalamityJane
 
  2  
Reply Sun 14 Nov, 2010 10:23 pm
@football84,
Hi football,
Don't feel so insecure and try to compete with her dead husband - you'll lose
that battle for sure. You can't expect her to forget about her husband of many years just because she's been dating you for 3 months. Be happy that she
feels comfortable enough in your presence to talk about him; she trusts you
and she will love you more for it, if you just listen and show her some
understanding. The longer you'll be with her the less she will talk about him
and the more she'll admire you - just play your cards right. Good luck!
hingehead
 
  3  
Reply Sun 14 Nov, 2010 10:25 pm
@football84,
You need to get used to the idea that a big part of her life was ripped from her. If you do really love her you'll understand the pain, loss and anger she must feel about losing her husband.

There is no reason why she can't like you and still miss her husband. Three months isn't a long enough time to build a set of memories that replace the memories of a marriage. The fact is she will never forget her husband. But she also won't forget the new man who allowed her the space, support, and time, to grieve.
0 Replies
 
Fido
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Nov, 2010 10:25 pm
@football84,
football84 wrote:

I have been dating a widow for almost 3 months now, and I have fallen in love with her, but she often brings up the husband that she lost to cancer last year. I know it will probably take more time for her to get over him, but I feel like I'm in a tug of war between me and his memories. I do love her, but I sometimes feel like I can't compete with the memories she has of him. I'm actually feeling sad, because it seems like she still has strong feelings about him and I want her to like me. I don't know how to handle this. Someone please give me some advice.

People deify the dead, and , and your widow is still grieving, which she may do all the rest of her life... Keep her company, distract her from her pain, but don't expect much from her, or make demands upon her... She has enough problems for one life right now... Help her or get gone...
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 15 Nov, 2010 07:35 am
What do you mean she often "brings up" her husband?

Is it, "Oh, Fred and I went to that restaurant" or is it "I miss him so much,I can't stop crying or be with you today."?

It's only been a little over one year for her. Encourage her to go to a grief counseling group so you are not the only sounding board for her. Don't feel that you have to be her "distraction" - she needs to pull up these grief feelings and deal with them. Only she can do that.

Create new memories. Do new and fun things with her.

You are going to have to be patient. If you think she's worth it, stick around. Otherwise, come back in about another year.
0 Replies
 
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Mon 15 Nov, 2010 07:56 am
@football84,
This is a familiar post here, so you are not the only one going through this. In order to get you a lot of advise quickly, check out this list of recent threads about the same topic.
0 Replies
 
truthseeker66
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 17 Nov, 2010 09:58 pm
@CalamityJane,
Is she a Christian? Does she believe in God? If this answer is no, Leave now. The foundation of every solid relationship is GOD.
CalamityJane
 
  2  
Reply Wed 17 Nov, 2010 10:04 pm
@truthseeker66,
Maybe for you, but certainly not for others. So please speak only for yourself!
I happen to have a great solid relationship in the complete absence or mention of God.
0 Replies
 
Fido
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Nov, 2010 05:55 am
@truthseeker66,
truthseeker66 wrote:

Is she a Christian? Does she believe in God? If this answer is no, Leave now. The foundation of every solid relationship is GOD.
Funny... I would have suggested -Love- in preference to your particular can of worms...
0 Replies
 
kimberlycbrooks
 
  0  
Reply Thu 9 Dec, 2010 07:15 am
if you do really love her you WILL understand the pain AND feel about losing her husband.
0 Replies
 
mistyrose70
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Jul, 2013 12:17 pm
@football84,
My boyfriend is widowed and I have been dating him for 6 months. Something I have tried to do is not take it personal when his wife's name is mentioned. I try to think of how he may have felt. I have had to find my "own" security with "us" because he was married to her for over 20 years. The feelings your g/f has for her late husband are strong, and will probably never go away- but she hopefully will develop strong feelings for you as well. Try not to be jealous.. It is different with widows, compared to an ex. Good luck!
0 Replies
 
 

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