Attention Democrats: The Perfect Candidate

For the next Democratic candidate, I suggest we forget the current crop of hopefuls. I suggest we comb the hills of the deep south until we find a guy with a name like "Beezer Crumb." Beezer has a first grade education, has always smoked his daddy's stash, never votes and barely even knows there exists any land mass beyond the trek to the general store and the car repair shop where his Daddy works part time. He's barred from the annual turkey shoot, ever since he winged his wife, and his participation in conversations around the cracker barrel at the general store is an occasional, "Huh... huh huh huh." He saw a soldier once, thought it was his cousin Gomper playing stupid games, and his favorite hobby is impaling flies on toothpicks and displaying them on the sheet pan his Mama gave him for his birthday.
Beezer would be somebody every loyal American would eagerly support for no other reason than they were told he was a good ole boy of heroic proportions - and smart as a whip. He could learn the machinations of government within a few years, or at least by the beginning of a second term, and so would be a vast improvement over what we've already got. If you are interested in throwing Beezer Crumb your support, please indicate your decision here. Any contributions of a million dollars or more pay in small bills to campaign mgr. E. Blythe. Thank you - And, y'all have a nice day, y' hear?