Living with the Sword of Damocles

I keep attempting to respond to this post and get tangled up in too many past thoughts. Death has rarely outraged me. The only times it does so, happens in cases of extreme tragedy. Oddly even death of a child does not outrage me if it was natural causes. Perhaps it is something to do with an inner belief. A faith if you will, that all things are happening for and with a purpose even if I have not a clue what that might be. It is not necessary for me to know the why, all which is needed is an appreciative acceptance that life is and that it is for an indeterminable length of time.

Background for my realities.
Born with a dislocated hip, there was surgery early which may have resulted in complications. There can be no answer to this since Mother and Father are both quite dead...not that they ever discussed anything anyway. There were several high fevers as a child, and somewhere in there a few more cuttings. These surgeries are discussed less by me, because this is what I choose to do. They involved minor biopsies and that is all which needs to be or will be said.

As I grew up I saw the upstairs neighbor wither away as cancer took her life. We did not discuss this at home and when she died, that was that. This is where I come from. When a boy who I went to school with fell 8 stories to his death, that was that. When another boy succumbed to leukemia, that was that. My job was going from classroom to classroom to get financial donations for the family. The death of this boy was simply not discussed.

Death got personal. When I was in my eleventh year of life, Grampa died and I was finally reacting. Mother took me aside and told me to stop crying. I walked out the door into the late Autumn evening air and tried to absorb what she had said. All these years later, I am still attempting that. A few years later when my father went to the kitchen and ended it all, I shrugged my shoulders and left for school, even as the cops stood there in the living room.. I walked right by them and out into the early morning Autumn air and an hour later sat on a bench and watched the sun rise over a wall. It may sound callous; but, that is the manner in which I had been instructed to deal with death.

During high school 3 people that I know of died, 2 from natural causes and one was killed while working a weekend job. Since high school, several others have died. One was from liver disease in her early 20s, another was a heart attack on a man only 43 years of age. There were others as well and all before the age of 50. Some of this has hardened me but the basics are as they always have been: A basic innate sense that life is indeed fragile and temporal. This was a fact I knew as I came into life and therefore I have rarely reacted to death. Again. it may sound cold; but, this is who I am. A firm believer that people who die, were given time here and are now in some other place. If I had the honor and privilege of meeting them or knowing them at all, then I was given something special. This in itself dissolves a great deal of the sadness.

Of course there are exceptions. My grandfather...as I already mentioned, my grandmother (heavy on my mind this week as it is the anniversary of her passing), my brother-in-law, when he died I could not even speak of him or his name without tears or a choking in the throat. Even now as I type this my eyes are filling up. Then when Dave went so suddenly of course, that was too much. Perhaps to some degree it was expected; but he'd come around the bend, and then a few others including Roger back on 9/11. God I miss Roger. I cried at the time. So, I do react at times.

Last year Jerry died. I was not overly reactive to it, I (as others did as well) knew it was coming. Pancreatic cancer sort of comes with a request to kindly plan a funeral. Last year sucked big time when it came to death. There seemed to be a calling card on every corner. One even had my name on it. Of course due to a typo mine was deemed null and void...at least until a new one can be printed up.

Melancholy or furious over death? At times. Usually though there is either no reaction or a befuddled confusion as I try to absorb the information. Occasionally it gets to me; but as I said, my view is to enjoy what we have for whatever length of time an not just the air, but the people and the experiences.



I suppose that just makes me weirder than most folks already figured me to be...I can deal with that.

death will come to us all... and although I hesitate to even type it because it is such a cliche.... but I believe with all my heart that everyone dies but not so many really live. I'm trying to live.

Whoa..... I guess I am not worried about my own demise quite yet.

I always assumed I'd die young. It sort of gave me an excuse to not plan for my life to be (this starting at age 13). I will be 40 in a couple years - not old, but older than I thought I'd ever be. No one in my family died when I was a young child (except one grandmother who died when I was a baby). One or two kids in high school died, several friends in Athens died. Grandparents, great aunts, uncles, etc started to die about 10 years ago.

I was ok with my grandparents dying - they were old and in failing physical and or mental health. My uncle's death threw me for a big loop. He was 59. Too young. My aunt's death was one of life-long tragedy - an alcoholic to the end.

Now, as my father's cardiovascular health is responding less well to cholesterol meds, diet and exercise, I'm getting freaked out. What more can he do for his heart? Meds give him diarrhea, his NP forgot to check his corotid (spelling?) artery until he reminded her to..... He's not unhealthy, but he is becoming more and more apparently mortal.

And, my brother has had life-long high BP, moderate-severe depression, high cholesterol, bad diet and little exercise life-style. He's 41 and I worry about him already. I drove by his apartment complex at 7 am and saw an ambulance outside with lights flashing. I still haven't heard back from the bahstid.

These days, every time the phone rings I have a little pang of anxiety.

I don't worry so much about that sword over my head, but the one over the head of my husband. A lot of the time it's waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes I mourn for the man he once was. In some ways that person doesn't exist anymore.

Last weekend, I called 911 because he suddenly wasn't responsive. I really am too weary about these things to go into detail. By the end of the day I felt like an old, old woman.

Some days, it's like "what next"? or more to the point "when is something going to happen"?

Sturgis, your post moved me, I'll have to read it over again later.

It was two years ago April that I was diagnosed with cancer. I'm tested every three months and have been cancer free.

When I was going through it all, I realized that that was when my body was "programmed" to go. Modern science and medicine prolonged my life past where it would "naturally" have ended. I believe that this is the case for most people who are now surviving diseases that were once considered incurable and fatal.

I've taken a pragmatic view of life. I'm conscious. I'm breathing in and out. That's today. Tomorrow, we'll see what happens--and deal with it.

Chai, what happened with your husband?

Roberta - I can counter that with the idea that you might not have been programed, but poisoned. Man made chemicals and lifestyles probably contributed to the cancer, right?

littlek, I believe that this is true only to a limited extent. I also believe that since I'm living in the world I'm living in, two years ago was when my body would have given out, regardless of the cause.

I'm remembering what Jackie Kennedy said when she was diagnosed with incurable cancer. I don't remember her exact words, but I do remember her expressing something approaching anger that she did and ate all the right things (she mentioned something she didn't like eating but ate it because she thought it was good for her) and she was gonna die regardless of all the right things she did.

I'm not suggesting that we can't do things to improve our odds of not getting cancer or heart disease (especially heart disease). We can make wise and healthful decisions. But I do think that people weren't intended to live as long as we do. We're now able to exert some control. But I really think this is limited.

It is very strange.................I am not afraid of death. My feelings are more of anger. I think that I would be very pissed if I were not to attain what I thought was my full measure. In some ways, I feel that I have just begun to live, and want to reap the rewards of what I have sown in the past. I am finally most comfortable with what I am as a person, and have gotten over the sturm und drang of my younger years.

My husband is older than I am, and is far more upset about the latest development than me. This morning he said that he didn't want to live without me. First place, I am not going anywhere. What happened to me is a warning. Warnings are good. It pulled me up short, and allowed me to muse over my life, and attempt to determine what has gotten me into this pickle.

My mother, who was dying for most of the time that I knew her, died of congestive heart failure in January.....................at the age of 97. I have no illusions of making it a long as she did. I take after my father's side of the family, which is rife with all manner of coronary nasties.

I see death as the end part of life. As a non-believer, I think that after I am gone, will be just about the same as before I was born. Nada, zip, nothing. And that is ok with me.

When I went through my cancer, I had a sense that after all was said and done, that I would come out of it in one piece. And that was exactly what happened.

I am not so sure now. Probably part of the problem is that I will not know to what extent I have been damaged until the first week in June, after I take all the tests, and the doctor returns from vacation. I have never been comfortable with walking on a tightrope. One of the problems that I have always faced is the difficulty that I have had with uncertainty. Alright, so call me neurotic. I am great with good news, and efficient with dealing with bad. It is not knowing that has always driven me nuts.

My husband, being older, has been going through having many of his old friends and collegues drop by the wayside. Each death has been tough for him, as it reminds him of his own mortality.

I want to go out for one of my 3-4 mile walks. Normally, I just take my water bottle, Walkman and go. But there have been fires in Florida, and the air is still smoky, though not as bad as the last few days. Before I had my EKG, I just would have gone, and to hell with the smoke. Now the thought of the extra stress that it would put on my heart and lungs has given me pause.

Oh, screw it! I am going out anyway!!!!!

after my brush with death and working a "regular" job long enough to get back up and running I realized that we can go any second and decided I was going to do what I wanted, when I wanted, no more no less.

I do a show at night mostly some during the day. The rest of my personal time is spent riding my bike, going to the gym and now I intend to add kayaking. I intend to add to my collection of tattoos as discretionary funds allow and after my cubs are out in the next couple of years I will reacquaint myself with the marijuana plant. hopefully we'll travel some as well.

We make enough money to be comfortable and that's good enough. When I get so old no one is interested in booking me live I'll have a few subs to book and take my commisions from them. that'll involve a couple of hours of work a day.

All this of course, assuming I'm not killed before the end of this very day. Who the hell knows?

The answer lies in the question ...... 'are we fruit or seed'?

a stripper in Frederick Maryland once told me my seed tasted like fruit....

Does your pee pee burn when you make wee wee?

Sturgis--

Thank you for a thoughtful, moving post.

Bear--

"...and love that well which thou must leave ere long."

You're in good company with Willy Shakespeare.

As for your manly glory, all sperm swims in a certain amount of fructose.

Littlek--

Realizing that parents are mortal is an under-appreciated Rite of Passage.

Also, we live in an age of chemicals and pollution--but an age without typhoid, typhus and tetanus. What you lose on the swings, you gain on the roundabouts.

Chai--

...in sickness and in health...and in hospital waiting rooms.
It's not easy being gray--or married to gray. The end of life is rich with indignities. Hold your dominion.

Roberta--

Living on borrowed time can be very sweet and satisfying. "Take what you want," says God. "Then pay." Sometimes you get an extension on the payment time.

Phoenix--

You and Dylan Thomas.



Gelisgesti--

Fruit? Seed? Either way a link between generations.

Thank you for understanding my metaphor .... maybe there is hope for me

Noddy, You know as well as I do what it takes to get through cancer. I'm not living on borrowed time. I own this time. I earned every minute of it. So did you.

At my most optimistic, I'm a pragmatist. I take nothing for granted. I assume nothing. I'm okay today. That's fine with me.

And now, a musical interlude:



'Course we all have swords, whether we see them or want to see them or not. I have a cousin who died at 20-something-or-other, on a vacation. Another who is only a coupla years older than me and had his second heart attack already. I ain't kidding myself that my parents will come out of their 70s in as good physical shape as when they went into 'em.

In the meantime, we keep on keepin' on. And do what we can with what we're allotted.

and, Noddy, a poetic interlude:


So live, that when thy summons comes to join
The innumerable caravan, which moves
To that mysterious realm, where each shall take
His chamber in the silent halls of death,
Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night,
Scourged to his dungeon, but, sustained and soothed
By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave
Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch
About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams.

William Cullen Bryant, Thanatopsis

Holy crap, Chai, when did all this happen? Please update us when you feel able.

Roberta--

I've earned my pleasant moments, but the tedious moments....

I like your way of thinking here.


Jespah--

Remember Little Women? Death used to be a much more common presence.

I like your taste in music.

Letty--

The Victorians spoke so well of the unspeakable.

Chai--

You know we're ready to listen whenever you're ready to talk.

Hold your dominion.