I hate the hard lessons. You know, the ones about life isn't fair, and two wrongs don't make a right, and... sticks and stones. I hear what you're saying, Boomer, but I think the only thing you can do is continue to teach him that other people do not define him. Only HE gets to say what he is or isn't cause it's his body and his mind and his "self."
I'd probably handle all of this in a way at this point, with the time distance of a few days) with a little humor if it continues to come up. Now that the bite is healing, you might be able to say something like "I was thinking about what happened and it really struck me as a silly thing for them to call you stupid cause just last week you learned in five minutes how to _______. And, remember how you got on your bike and just took off within an hour. And, you know ______ and _____ and _____ which not very many 5 years olds know. Those boys didn't have a clue what they were talking about. (Hopefully, he can add some other smart things he knows to the list you start.)
Hope you all three enjoy your weekend break. Give him a hug for me.
Oh, that sucks Boom, given the context that people are using the phrase to excuse a kid verbally hurting another.
It's odd how so many people are quick to see physical lashings as wrong, and yet verbal lashings are not given the same weight.
As grown ups, most of us know how deep verbal lashings can go. Some would even say that at its extreme - emotional and verbal abuse - can be way worse than any beating a body receives (I vouch for this).
I feel for Mo. I'm so glad he has you though. His most valuable resource!
In my time as a little angry person, my own mother would say "Well, it's just words. Get over it! Fight back then."
You are there to give Mo a chance to learn real coping skills instead of being left alone with a legacy of physical solutions.
Sending hugs to both of you.
Ouch.
"Other people sometimes make bad choices, but you shouldn't bad choices, too."
"Some people aren't nice. They like to tease other people and make them feel bad. They even make things up, because they know it will make other people feel bad. Two people trying to make you feel bad are just two mean people. Don't let your feelings about those two people control what you do."
"Mean people suck."
"It's OK to be mad. What are some things you could do when you are mad that are better choices?"
I'm sure you've come up with better than this.... I'm kinda practicing here for when the girls are older.
Unfortunately middle-class ethics aren't always shared by the rest of the world. Quite possibly Mo's tormenters come from homes where verbal abuse is accepted ("Make a man out of him") and us ethical parents can't interfere with other people's family dynamics.
Of course teachers should enforce school as a Bully Free Zone.
Mo may be more vulnerable to verbal taunting because of his early home environment, but this means he should be more protected, not less.
Remember the story from Abraham Lincoln?
How many legs does a horse have?
Yep. Now, if you call the tail a leg, how many legs does a horse have?
Nope. Calling a "tail" a "leg" doesn't make it a leg.
Calling a boy stupid doesn't make him stupid--it makes him mad. That's a problem.
The two tormenters are actually the two smartest boys in the class - smart in that smug sort of SAT way - but nice kids.
One boy's mom and I are pretty good school-friends. Her older son is really a lot like Mo (he has some kind of sensory overload problem) and she has offered me a lot of good advice. She's really very cool but she doesn't like her son to be hit and I don't blame her one little bit.
She "gets" Mo though and that's a real blessing for both Mo and me.
Mo is off to school this morning after our hookey playing last week so fingers crossed that all goes well. We had a big talk this morning about all of the things he was good at (most kids still have training wheels on their bikes and you can ride a motorcycle!), and smart about (doors, doorknobs, pictures, tools, engines, floors, dogs (his list) animals, plants, trees, books, cooking, music, guitars (my list)) and about how to cope when someone makes you mad (put your hands in your pockets, turn around, walk away - that's the rock and roll way to deal with it (we even practiced struting away)).
Thank you all for your hand holding and advice!
Hey, sounds great! Love the rock and roll method.
Boomer, no kid is going to believe the lesson that words can never hurt you because I'm sure they will have heard enough hurtful words in their short life to know it isn't true.
And for a kid, listening to you verbally abuse another adult is going to be just as bad for them as if you were abusing the child...unlike the rhyme, that actually will teach them a bad lesson.
masses of good advice here - the confidence building, giving him a secure feeling about himself is vital and then - in a week or two it will be someone else's turn to be bullied no doubt.
I stressed to my girls that they shouldn't fall our with A because B told them to - next week A and B would be friends and they'd be left out - I warned them that at first both A and B would fall out with them! but then they'd learn that their friendship was constant and they wouldn't be pushed taking sides. I tried to ensure that they wouldn't be a bully.
Bullying is horrible - my youngest got very upset at one point and I went to talk to the teacher but without her knowing, she didn't want me to go.
The teacher quietly put a stop to it and she never knew - I don't know what he did but it worked. So you could have a quiet word with the teacher asking them to keep an eye on the situation? just squelch it, whoever starts.
boomerang wrote:Mo is off to school this morning after our hookey playing last week so fingers crossed that all goes well. We had a big talk this morning about all of the things he was good at (most kids still have training wheels on their bikes and you can ride a motorcycle!), and smart about (doors, doorknobs, pictures, tools, engines, floors, dogs (his list) animals, plants, trees, books, cooking, music, guitars (my list)) and about how to cope when someone makes you mad (put your hands in your pockets, turn around, walk away - that's the rock and roll way to deal with it (we even practiced struting away)).
Thank you all for your hand holding and advice!
YOU ROCK, Boomer! (Picturing the whole Mo stroll.)
That's great!
Boomer--
Good for you. And Mo. And the R&R saunter.
You're The Mom.
I'd love you to take this up with the school boomer.
Verbal bullying is no less a crime than physical bullying. I do think the perps should have been taken to task as well.
I imagine the school is well aware of verbal bullying however children do need to learn strategies to deal with verbal bullying that do not involve violence.
Sooooo anyway.
It is a beautiful day here. Flowers are sprouting, the trees are blooming. The sun is shining. The kids are all out playing streetball when.....
Eddie Haskell comes running in yelling, and I quote "Mo got mad at Squeaky and hit her in the head with a baseball bat".
I jump up, run out, bump into Mo in the yard, he's trembling and shaking and crying out of his mind. I grab his hand and tell him we need to go check on Squeaky but everything will be okay -- he really needs to calm down. Halfway down the street he just can't go any further. He's completely losing it. I tell him to wait there while I go find out what's going on.
It was an ACCIDENT. Even Squeaky said it was an ACCIDENT. Even the mom on street duty said it was an ACCIDENT. Squeaky was running around like nothing had even happened. She went to check on Mo because he was so freaked out.
Eddie Haskell, if you recall, is the one who hit Mo in the head with a golf club a few months ago.
Why would he come in here and deliberately lie to get Mo in trouble?
Wow.
Hmmm. unmonitored envy?
Quote:Why would he come in here and deliberately lie to get Mo in trouble?
Because he wants Mo to be locked up so that he can have Mo's mommie for his mommie.
Yeah, that's what I was getting at.
Okay. I've been thinking about what you said and I just don't get it.
How is lying about Mo going to endear him to me?
He had to know I would find out that he was lying in mere moments.
I've said it before but it bears repeating -- kids are irrational little creatures.
I don't know if I agree with that analysis -- that he was hoping to get Mo in trouble so that you could be his mom. But kids are weird, and irrational, and do weird things for weird reasons or no reasons at all.
This particular kid seems to want some sort of attention that he doesn't usually get and will go to some lengths to get it.
This kind of irrationality is part and parcel of kids figuring out how to deal with kids -- our adult logic just doesn't always apply.
Boomer--
EH figures that he and Mo are both kids and have equal rights to any adult's attention. You seem terribly (and in his view, unfairly) attached to Mo so for EH to worm his way into your heart, Mo has to Go.
EH is not one of the great brains of the elementary school set--but he's a hard worker.
I don't know that either Eddie Haskell, the tv guy or children like him, wanted the other guy's mom to be his.. more, I'd guess, that he'd want his very own mom to change just a bit, pay attention in (whatever way - though I don't presume Eddie's mom is inadequate).
I'd guess I'd also jump to an odd kind of sibling rivalry, of which I have no experience at all of the real thing, just seem to watch it happen metaphorically in the work force, etc.
