Grandparent commitment

AshleyAnne--

Welcome to A2K.

Before you make any decision, I suggest you spend at least a full week with grandma in her nursing home to see what specifically would be necessary for this woman's care.

Also consider: Could she ever be left alone? Does she recognize you? Your husband? Are you physically strong enough to help her with bathing and dressing? Are you patient enough to cope with mistakes and repetitious conversation and irrational rages?

I agree with Noddy. In many cases, caring for a person with dementia is like caring for an infant. Your life is not your own. I don't know the extent of the woman's dementia, but it does get worse, never better.

Is she incontinent? Can she feed herself? Bathe? Dress? What is her personality like? How much involvement does she have with doctors? Would you have to spend a lot of time in physician's offices with her?

I am curious. If the woman is in a home, why move her? At least in a facility, she has the chance to interact with peers, to whatever extent she is able. With you, she will have little outside contact, and she may deteriorate even more rapidly.

I would think very long and hard about this before you make a decision. I would also question your mother in law as to why she made that offer to you. I could think of a number of reasons why she might want to do that, a few of them not too pretty.

FYI, my mother recently died. She had dementia, and was living in an assisted living facility. Although I did a lot of things for her, there was no way in hell that I could have had her live with me.

It had gotten to the point where her constant repetition was driving me bonkers, and the last year or so of her life, I found that although I was in close contact with the home in terms of insuring that she was well taken care of, my visits with her grew shorter and shorter.

There was no way in hell that I would have wanted to care for her in my home. I could not have dealt with the stress.

If you're the alternative to a Nursing Home, then they can afford to pay you
a lot. And I'll bet it won't be anything near what the Home gets. There's a
very good reason why Nursing Home Care is so expensive. They have
trained people on staff available 24/7. Twenty-four by seven. That's
twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I'd say that a few more times,
but I think you get the point. As for training, do you have any? I'm going to
assume you don't. I agree with Noddy and Phoenix, two very wise women,
except that my advice is a simple "Don't do it."

Wow.
My very first thought was are you ready to have someone wandering around your home, urinating on themselves, throwing things at you , and not able to communicate?

Are you ready to make 'baby food' when she no longer remembers to eat, and you have to almost force the food down her throat?

Are you ready to be up all night following her around, keeping her safe, while she sleeps all day and you are cleaning up the mess she made? ( its called sundowning . 90% of people with dementia get it to some degree or another)

Are you ready for someone to hurt you? Biting? Kicking? Hitting you with things?

Are you ready for someone to just sit in a wheel chair all day?
Do you know how to keep her skin from breaking down if she does that?

Do you know how to break down her meds to make sure they get in her body even when she spits them at you?
Do you know what meds are safe to administer rectally if it comes to the point that you can not give them orally?

Are you ready for her to hurt herself?

Are you ready for her to escape your home, whole you are on the toilet?



.... I was a nurse , in several nursing homes, ER's and in home care settings for 9 years.

Please say no.
For her sake, but more importantly for YOUR sake. And your sanity

I am willing to bet, the reason they want to take her out of the home is financial.
And it will hurt you in the long run.

Alzheimers is a nasty disease that takes all human behavior and throws it outside. Please, unless you are going to go to school and learn HOW to do it safely, and have some extra help with you, don't do it.

As george said.. it IS 24 hours, 7 days a week.

My mother had Alzheimer's. Just like Phoenix, my visits with her became less frequent and shorter. My mother had no idea who I was and didn't much care. Conversation was impossible. Communication was almost impossible.

You need to know how bad your grandmother's condition is. You haven't provided any info about this. There are different kinds of dementia that manifest themselves in different ways.

I could not have taken care of my mother. It was beyond me. I let the trained professionals do their job.

I find it curious that grandma is already in a nursing home (which usually means that her care needs have progressed beyond what the family can personally provide) and MIL wants to take her out. I know that some people have emotional issues with 'putting Mom in a home' and that the concerns are not always financial, but she's already there. Is she getting good care? One of the things that surprised my mother was the amount of daily care that my father's nursing home expected from the family. They provided basic nursing care, but the family was expected to be actively involved in meeting his day to day needs - including dressing him in the morning and being there during his meals. Is this the case for grandma? Maybe MIL can pay you to be at the nursing home with grandma to provide additional support to what he gets at the home.

If grandma has Alzheimer's then she will continue to deteriorate. How she is today is as cogent as she will ever be. Even if she needs a level of support that MIL thinks you are able to provide at this point, that level of support will only increase. Please think twice before agreeing to have grandma in your home, but I think being paid by the family to support grandma's needs in the nursing home is an excellent idea.