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Sun 11 Feb, 2007 09:55 am
Hello, through an extended family emergency last year, I had 3 little boys in foster care with me. I had the older 2 just over a year & the younger was born during that time & I had him from the day he was born until 11 months.
They went back at the end of November. I had told the parents that I felt it would be better to have a clean break after the final placement was done (not seeing the baby anymore, the older 2 I see weekly, but they always knew this was temporary & who "mom" was). The last couple months we gradually increased the visits to ultimately 4 days a week before the reunification took place. For most of the year, there was no relationship between mom & boys, especially with baby.
Yesterday she asked me to babysit her younger 2 (she had another baby a few weeks after she got these 3 back.) I said no because I know he would remember. It seems unwise to me, there is no profit in my mind to reawaken that for only a few hours. My sister ran into them the other day & he ran right up to her & kissed her & held her. I know there is that remembrance.
Maybe obviously, we have vastly different worlds/parenting styles. This would not be an ongoing contact. It seems cruel to me. It seems like there would be a lot in him that would be perplexed. Does anyone have any knowledge or experience with this type of thing?
llh--
Welcome to A2K.
The "Clean Break" school of Foster Care seems a bit cruel to me.
For nearly a year you were the only mother that this baby had and when he's not allowed to see you, you're sending all the pleasant, comforting memories that he has of you to Never-Never Land.
Soon he's going to realize that his older sibs are allowed to see you--and he's not.
He's no longer his mama's youngest, but he'll always be your baby and perhaps down the road he'll need to be your Special Boy.
Do you miss him?
This woman needs a tubal ligation.
I suppose if you are not going to see the "baby" regularly, you may well be right.
But...how on earth is it explained to the little fella that you see the others, but not him? He will eventually, if not now, construe that as you loving them, but not him...and take that to mean he is bad and unloveable.
If you see the others regularly, why not him? Why can you not have a special, stable, role in his life as the person mummy chose to care for him when she could not.....and who loved him and knows all about him...and then loved him enough to make sure he went back to his proper mummy? You hold so much meaning in this child's life.
lh- I adopted my daughter after she'd been in foster care for five months with the same caregiver. They had a very close bond and relationship (her foster mother was wonderful), and it was very difficult for the foster mother to make the break (she was a middle-aged women who had raised her children and wasn't interested in adopting- just wanted to provide a home for babies who needed that).
This was fourteen years ago. We're still in touch with her. My daughter knows who she is and what role she played in her life, just as she knows who I am and what role I play in her life. And I didn't have to tell her- she just absorped the fact of who was taking care of her on the most regular and frequent basis.
I understand your concern, but if this child's mother is caring for him on a daily basis, he will begin to look at her as his primary caregiver. If he sees you once or twice a week, he will associate with you on a different level-unless he just prefers you- and that happens with moms and caregivers whether the child's been in foster care or not.
If it's difficult for you to see the baby and have to make that break every time he leaves, (I think it would be for me) that's a different issue.
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