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Conservatism and Liberalism, Explained

 
 
cjhsa
 
Reply Wed 20 Dec, 2006 06:37 am
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 2 • Views: 1,786 • Replies: 11
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joefromchicago
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Dec, 2006 06:57 am
cjhsa wrote:
Here ends today's lesson in world history

Ends? When did it begin?
0 Replies
 
Wilso
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Dec, 2006 07:41 am
For a reasonably smart guy cjhsa is responsible for some of the most ridiculous, inane, immature, brain dead [email protected] trash that's ever been posted on this site. Conservatives seem to have a pathological need to inflame at regular intervals.
0 Replies
 
parados
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Dec, 2006 07:44 am
The only lesson I get is conservatives have been drunk since beer was first invented. That would mean all meaningful inventions and advancements since then are the result of liberals.

Thank God liberals invented bottles and cans or we would all still be living in a brewery.
0 Replies
 
woiyo
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Dec, 2006 07:45 am
Wilso wrote:
For a reasonably smart guy cjhsa is responsible for some of the most ridiculous, inane, immature, brain dead [email protected] trash that's ever been posted on this site. Conservatives seem to have a pathological need to inflame at regular intervals.


Or maybe a sense of HUMOR!!!!! Rolling Eyes
0 Replies
 
LoneStarMadam
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Dec, 2006 09:04 am
parados wrote:
The only lesson I get is conservatives have been drunk since beer was first invented. That would mean all meaningful inventions and advancements since then are the result of liberals.

Thank God liberals invented bottles and cans or we would all still be living in a brewery.

Oh my, liberals was invented way back when....you know, Lenin & Marx.
0 Replies
 
cjhsa
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Dec, 2006 09:49 am
>>> LEFT AND RIGHT
>>>
>>> One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After
>>> the cut he asked
>>> about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I
>>> cannot accept money
>>> from you; I'm doing community service this week." The
>>> florist is pleased
>>> and leaves the shop.
>>>
>>> The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop
>>> there is a thank
>>> you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
>>>
>>>
>>> Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to
>>> pay his bill the
>>> barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money
>>> from you; I'm
>>> doing community service this week." The cop is happy and
>>> leaves the shop.
>>>
>>> The next morning when the barber goes to open up there
>>> is a thank you card
>>> and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
>>>
>>> Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he
>>> goes to pay his
>>> bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot
>>> accept money from you,
>>> I'm doing community service this week." The Republican
>>> is very happy and
>>> leaves the shop.
>>>
>>> The next morning when the barber goes to open, there is
>>> a thank you card
>>> and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your
>>> Business" and
>>> "Becoming More Successful."
>>>
>>> Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes
>>> to pay his bill
>>> the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept
>>> money from you; I'm
>>> doing community service this week." The Democrat is very
>>> happy and leaves
>>> the shop.
>>>
>>> The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there
>>> are a dozen
>>> Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.
>>> And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental
>>> difference between left
>>> and right...
0 Replies
 
McGentrix
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Dec, 2006 09:54 am
*snicker*
0 Replies
 
woiyo
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Dec, 2006 11:40 am
Laughing Laughing Laughing
0 Replies
 
Wilso
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Dec, 2006 02:35 pm
McGentrix wrote:
*snicker*


The smartest thing ever to spew out of you.
0 Replies
 
Wilso
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Dec, 2006 02:42 pm
woiyo wrote:
Wilso wrote:
For a reasonably smart guy cjhsa is responsible for some of the most ridiculous, inane, immature, brain dead [email protected] trash that's ever been posted on this site. Conservatives seem to have a pathological need to inflame at regular intervals.


Or maybe a sense of HUMOR!!!!! Rolling Eyes


I guess they need one. Now that their dribbling moronic hero has become a lame duck with no power.
0 Replies
 
McGentrix
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Dec, 2006 02:43 pm
Wilso wrote:
McGentrix wrote:
*snicker*


The smartest thing ever to spew out of you.


No Christmas card for you.
0 Replies
 
 

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