Workplace Bully

Okay, I'll be as brief as possible--

A female co-worker who I once enjoyed a decent enough relationship. She was being a **** to me once before, and I nipped it in the bud by telling her I didn't appreciate her treating me like a nincompoop. Eventually she lightened up.

But she's back again with a vengeance, it's almost as if she's begging for a confrontation. I just want to tell her to back off. I can be confrontational.

One more note: I'm pretty sure she's an alcoholic.

Sunrock wrote:

Okay, I'll be as brief as possible--

A female co-worker who I once enjoyed a decent enough relationship. She was being a **** to me once before, and I nipped it in the bud by telling her I didn't appreciate her treating me like a nincompoop. Eventually she lightened up.

But she's back again with a vengeance, it's almost as if she's begging for a confrontation. I just want to tell her to back off. I can be confrontational.

Arrange a meeting between you and her with a supervisor present.
Confrontation does not have to be negative....is it after all, just addressing the elephant in the room

If she refuses to set up a meeting with you....go to your supervisor and set it up with him/her, and have your co-worker attend.

Either way, inform her before hand so she won't feel she is being blind sided.

During the meeting, it's VERY important you keep your cool and remain on task. Have as much as possible written in notes for yourself in a clear order, so you can refer to them, and remain accurate.

People love to drag others off track, and unless you keep on the problem at hand, you'll find yourself talking about something totally unrelated.

If she wants to discuss something else, tell her "Let's talk about that when we finish the subject at hand, here, I'm making a note of what you want to discuss so we can come back to it" chances are, once the major problems are address, you won't need to go back to anything.

During the meeting, give her the chance to tell her story without interupting. That way, when you are talking, you can point out to her that you let her have her say, now it's your turn, and we can get back to you when I'm done.

If you are talking first and she interrupts, let her know it's your "turn" and will let her have her say uninterrupted when she is done.

If you stick to the business at hand, and she ends up all over the place, the third party will see that.

After a few back and forths with your "stories" turn it into a dialogue. Let her know that you listened to her comments, and can see the merit in some of them. Give her that respect and she's more likely to give respect to you. As a matter of fact, if she acts discrespectful, remind her that you treated her respectfully, and need to be treated the same way in return.

If it goes well to this point, try to make it where both of you get something positive out of the meeting. Don't make it a "I win, you lose" thing. After all, the end result should be that you are both more comfortable in the workplace.

Repeat as necessary.

Sunrock wrote:

One more note: I'm pretty sure she's an alcoholic.

Don't, and I do mean DON'T try to use that.

oh yeah....like george says, DON'T talk about her private life in ANY way.

As a matter of fact, if alcohol drugs are an issue with someone in the workplace, that is definitly an issue to be handled by her boss.



hmmmm....I know she will seethe, but really, you need to give her at least some time to get her thoughts together for a meeting.

It's not quite cricket to come into a meeting all prepared with your ducks in a row, and bring her in blind, for several reasons. 1st of which that isn't fair.

If she comes in cold, she's more likely to be highly emotional and not sticking to the facts, that could make a productive meeting impossible. She could REALLY have it in for you afterwards, feeling you have attacked her "out of the blue"

If she's prepared, and she still rants, that just makes you look better, remaining in control.

Yeah, she'll seethe beforehand, but look at it this way, it's only for a short while, and you can think...in X amount of hours, this will be over.

One other thing bullies do when they are "forced" to have a come to jesus talk is try to make you feel like you're the one making a big deal out it things, and "wasting" your time.

Know in your mind and heart you are doing the right thing. Be the better person.

what is that quote? I'm not going to get it quite right, but it's something like "even if your voice shakes, speak your mind"

good luck.

I don't know about doing it via email....What does everyone else think?

to me it smacks of people breaking up via text messaging.

In no particular order....

you have to be REALLY careful what you put in writing, I could see a million ways she could take something you said in writing and turn it around.

anyway, you email her, what if she just responds "no" and ignores you. Then you're "forced" to take the next step of arranging for the boss to step in. Either way, you're still letting her "be in charge"

To take the high road, I first meet with your supervisor when he/she seems to be in a receptive mood (timing is all), and explain that...

there seems to be some kind of problem going on between you and Susie, and you'd really appreciate your superv. taking a few minutes in the next day or so to help clear the air.

Explain how you feel this is hurting your productivity, and simply want to clear whatever misunderstanding there is so everyone can work well together (see, you've become pro-active in the mind of the boss)

Say that you'd appreciate being able to approach Susie yourself first, so that she can see you're trying to work things out, and so it won't seem like either of you are being called on the carpet. Get a a couple of times from her that might be good...preferably that day.

Then, even though your hands may be sweating....take 2 minutes to knock on Susie's door, asking permission to come in and talk. Even if she just says, "about what?" take that as permission, sit down and pretty much say the same thing as above...ending with...."would you prefer to get together to talk this out this morning, maybe around 10 o'clock? Or is the afternoon @ 4 better?"

That way, you've presented her with a choice, so she can't feel totally out of control....if she says "neither is good and I don't want to talk about anything" You've made your offer....

If she flat out refuses, then get your boss involved.

In any event, you have made an impression on your boss that you're professional, thoughtful and fair.

Oh...just a thought....when you show up to "the meeting" bring in a plate of cookies or something similar, make sure whatever it is, it's your co-workers favorite, can't resist kind :wink:

I don't see a problem with the email.

Email systems often have a function where you can send her a Meeting/Appointment notice for her accept or decline.

I don't know what you'd say though. That's the problem. I can't find any way to say it without sounding like a complete tattle.

Maybe it's best to just tell her. Or if you really feel bullied, ask your boss to do it.

Good deal

let us all know how it goes...