FUNNY THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN YOUR WORKING DAY.

So? .........What has cheered YOU up at work today?

The fact that I was thinking Judge Fudge and his name turned out to be Fudge!!!

Ha! You guessed correctly, MG!

I also know His Honour, Judge Bonner.

Mark the Clerk.

A solicitor, who specialises in sex offender cases, by the name of Flasher.

...and a custody sargeant with the surname of Driver. ("Screw" Driver).

One of my colleagues starts going mental.
He makes me do all kind of stupid things (I'm only sub-contracted), and wastes more time in telling me what he wants done, than it would take him to do it himself (often a one line command).
He wants me to copy all programs around to all kind of places, instead of implementing an automatic nightly copy job, which is intended 'for the future'
I write scripts by hand ten times, risking typos instead of writing a 'proper' program just once.
He insults the software developers for requesting database changes that he does not agree with.
He shouts and screams around making everybody embarrassed for him.
Ten times a day he tells me that he is stressed out and has not time to do things properly.
He says: you can implement all this, if it works: great, if not, I will not take responsibility for anything.
He writes programs himself, they run every night for four months, and he never realizes that there are two (non-fatal) errors in it (always) and in 10 % of all cases the whole system crashes.
Still he does not see the need for improvement.

It cheered me up that despite all that I seem to be able to keep my cheery personality, my optimism and my good nature!

Sorry, and I only realized the question was for funny things, not about things that cheered you up!
Still I have written this, and here it stays!

Nothing today, really...but your story reminded me of many years ago when I was a Probation/Parole officer.


One of my clients was on a bond for a quite serious offence, and had almost reached the end of a long period of probation. He had a seven year suspended sentence hanging over his head...(sounds worse than it was, really. He was a gormless chap, and, having no friends, had taken up with a fellow who actually committed the offence. My dullard client was sort of gormlessly hanging around when it happened, and got caught up in the net.)

Anyhoo, except for one teeny offence (involving a fishing hook which didn't belong to him) he had successfully completed his period of probation. His previous PO had sent in a notification of the minor offence to the police some four years previous to the time of which I write, but nothing had happened.

Anyhoo, one day I received a desperate phone call from said fella's mum....for reasons which neither she nor he could understand, he had been arrested, and was facing the Supreme Court in a couple of days.


I called the constabulary......


"He has been arrested on a warrant for breaking his bond."

"Huh? How?"


(constabulary look at paper work and read it, muttering under breath)

"For larceny of a fish hook."

"That was FOUR YEARS ago!!!"

"It doesn't matter when it was."

"He's finished his bond!!!"

"We have a warrant for his arrest...we arrested hin."

"What is the date of the warrant?"


(constabulary look at paper work and read it, muttering under breath)

"Er...four years ago"

"Have a heart!" (Me imagining gormless little fella being buggered for seven years....four years after he actually managed to successfully go straight...)

"It is in the hands of the Crown."


I ring Crown.

Crown say much the same things.....I explain situation in full.

"The warrant was issued FOUR YEARS ago!" They exclaim. "He's been in hiding?"

"He's been living at home with his mum, at the address on the warrant."

"Blimey" say Crown. "That's ridiculous...we'll explain it in court."


Scene: Supreme Court. In front of one of the nastiest, whining, up himself little judges ever whelped...and new to the job with it.

Anxious lackey rushes out and adjusts His Honour's chair just so....holds rug. His Honour gets into his chair, and lackey anxiously arranges it over His Honour's knobbly knees.


Crown and I look anxious.


Gormless fella twitches in dock, under eye of thuggish looking prison officer.

Crown inform His Honour that they no longer wish to pursue the matter.
His Honour says he is the judge and HE will decide what is pursued and not pursued.

Crown explain circumstances.

Judge says he doesn't give a fig for how long it took to serve the warrant, and doubtless the dangerous criminal was hiding cunningly from the law over the intervening four years.

I rise and point out that the dangerous criminal was living at home with his mum.

His Honour looks down his long nose at me and says nonetheless the full weight of the law was going to descend on fella, mums notwithstanding. Other waiting criminals try to hide their smiles.

Crown beckon me and say desperately: "You're sure he didn't do anything else?"

"If he did, he wasn't charged" say I.

The Crown nervously explain that said fella has been straight for four years, and they really do not think it fair he now go inside for 7 years for a fish hook, when the police were too slack to act on a warrant for four years.

Police look cross: "We couldn't find him...he evaded us!"

"He was living at home with his mum" say I. Mum nods vigorously. The waiting criminals titter.

"Well, I am the judge" roars His Honour "and he's going down!"

The Crown looks anxious, but stand firm:

"Er...your honour, I don't think you CAN send him down, because I am formally notifying you that the Crown will not proceed with this complaint."

"I CAN'T?!"

"Not if we withdraw the matter" say the Crown stalwartly.

'Oh for heaven's sake!" says the Judge, turning to gormess in the dock.."I suppose you can go home then."


Up pipes the thuggish looking prison officer:

"No he can't!"


"Why?" squeak the judge, the crown, me, the gormles one, the mum, the waiting criminals (who are having an unexpectedly happy day, watching the judge become apoplectic and squeaky with frustration) and even the police (who are already looking really bad, what with the fella being home quietly with his mum, NOT hiding all these years. I KNOW what happened with the warrant, by the way, it got put in the wrong pile of paper, so it did. for FOUR years.)

"Because my paperwork informs me he is to be conveyed back to prison at the finish of these proceedings, notwithstanding the result of said proceedings, as he is remanded to face court on other matters" says the thuggish prison officer.


"No I'm not" calls out the gormless one.

The entire court turns its many faces to me.


I turn my face to the police, who are looking through their records. The police indicate to me they have nothing.

"Well, IS he facing other matters?" calls the judge to me.

"No" I say stalwartly.

"Let him go" says the judge to the prison officer.

"No" squeaks the prison officer.


His Honour looks as though he is about to have a stroke, his face is the colour of his robes.


"LET HIM GO!" he roars.


"I can't" says the prison officer.


The waiting criminals are no longer able to breathe because of the laughter they are stifling. Everone is turning their head back and forth from speaker to speaker as you do at a tennis match.


"Look" says the judge. "Me judge of the supreme court. You prison officer. If I tell you to let someone go, you have to let them go. I am the boss here. Do you understand?"


Prison officer clutches his paperwork. His mouth works. No words come out.


"LET HIM GO!!!!!"


Prison officer wordlessly opens gate of dock. Gormless scuttles out to join his mum.

Crown and I rush out, grab prison officer, look at his paperwork (which is clearly about someone who is not gormless) and go and have a coffee together so we can laugh.

Nothing funny every happens to me at work. I am locked away, alone in this cell I call an office. Sealed off from the world...my only lifeline is the internet...and you...

No really, nothing funny ever happens at work because it's just me and my boss.

Sorry to hear that, Bella. We'll just have to come up with some outlandish stuff then, to keep you entertained.

Deb, I wish (and I bet you've said the same) that I kept a diary of all this type of stuff that happens in Court. I think that it's made even funnier, because most of it happens in such a deadpan way, where officialdom rules and logic/common sense goes straight out of the window.

I find it a bit like stifling the giggles at a funeral, really.

One that sticks out in my mind, and pardon me if I've already posted this in the past, was the case of my little Spanish lad who happened to be a horse shagger in his spare time.

Background....

A small private stables had some weird things happen over a period of three or four weeks, which caused them to put in some CCTV, activated by motion sensors.
The owners had arrived at the stables on several occasions, only to find that one of the horses was no longer in it's stall, but was strolling around the main corridor of the block.

The owner's daughter happened to be going out with a guy that worked for a CCTV company, so they arranged for him to fit these super duper cameras throughout the place, which were triggered by any movement, and had top of the range lenses so any film footage would be of the highest quality.

Sure enough, one Weds morning (the incidents always happened on a Tuesday night) they arrived to find another loose horse. The CCTV footage was quickly examined, and the Police called after the owners discovered what was going on.

A couple of Tuesday nights later, and my little Spanish guy was literally caught in the act.

When he appeared in Court, the Prosecutor outlined the details of the offence, but kept getting interrupted by the very prim and proper lady Magistrate.

"Was there any damage caused to the horses?"

"No, ma'am, the vet assures us that the effect would have been very much like someone waving a lollipop in the Dartford Tunnel"

Magistrate looks totally blank, until her male colleague (sitting by her side) leans across and whispers something. Her eyes gradually widen, she coughs several times, and tells the Prosecutor to continue.

Prosecutor " At the time of his arrest, he was found actually in the act of having sexual intercourse with "Blaze", a horse owned by Mr xxxxx"

Magistrate "Hold on a minute, now tell me, was it a male or a female horse?"

<groans emit from all Court officials>

Spanish guy, standing up in dock and shaking his fist "IT WAS A FEMALE HORSE....WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A F**KING PERVERT?"

Later on in proceedings.....

Magistrate "Now I see amonst the evidence, there is a milk crate and a bottle of washing up liquid....what significance do these have?"

Prosecutor "Well Ma'am, the milk crate was for the defendant to gain proper <ahem> access, and the..."

Magistrate "Pardon? What exactly do you mean by proper access?"

<more groans>

"Well Ma'am, let's put it this way....without the milk crate, their anatomical parts would not have been at the same level"

(more leaning and whispering from colleague)

Magistrate "Ah!....and the washing up liquid?"

Pros...."For reasons of hygiene, Ma'am"

Mag....."Was it antibacterial or something?" (totally irrelevant)

Pros...."No, Ma'am" (really getting into the dark humour of the whole thing) "It was a normal, everyday washing up liquid, but was a well known brand which, if its advertising is to be believed, goes a lot further than any other brand"

.....even further on in proceedings....

Mag..."You say that this particular horse was known for its kicking out at people, yet it didn't kick out on this occasion. Tell me, does the defendant have experience with horses?"

Pros....."I have no idea, Ma'am, but I would hazard a guess that he has more experience now, than he did several weeks ago"


Happy days.........

Every so often we have to take online training on how to deal with safety
hazards. (Not a bad idea, there is some scary sh*t in the labs.) One
lesson tells you that noxious gas might not be easily detectable, so you
should report to your supervisor immediately if you experience any one
of a number of conditions. One of those conditions is...


LACK OF CONSCIOUSNESS


Good luck with that.

That is a great story...and you're right....it would have been good to keep a diary.


We certainly kept ourselves amused back at the office, though.