Two things about nimh

nimh,
All I want to say is you are not alone. Even though we don't have the same feelings or problems, we do have thoughts in common. I don't have the answer. I wish I did. Just keep in mind that it is okay to have feelings and it is okay to say it and admit it. Who made up the rule that it isn't okay? It is okay to cry too whether you are a guy or girl. I don't understand why a lot of people see crying as a weakness. I don't feel it is. If you need to cry then do it. I do. I don't know if any of this helps you in anyway. I wanted you to know I feel for you even if I don't know you.

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msolga wrote:

tryingtohelp

No offense taken at all.

I was just referring to another thread, a while ago, where nimh was lamenting the end of summer. Needing to get out the winter coat & the days getting shorter & darker ....

I feel exactly the same. Winter isn't my best time, either! (understatement!)

Thanks, I am glad you did not take offense to that. I was hoping you didn't.

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Thank you, tryingtohelp. <nods>

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How are you feeling, nimh?

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Reality for me: I cry more at movies and listening to beautiful classical music than at real life situations. Is this typical?

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msolga wrote:

I may be wrong here, but you sound a little lost & displaced where you're living now. Which place in Europe would you consider you feel perfectly, 100% "at home"?

Nowhere.

But I gotta say, right now I wouldnt want to live anywhere but where I live. I feel more at home in Budapest, as a city, as an environment, its feeling, its vibe, than I ever did in Utrecht, where I lived in Holland the last 15 years. I do not want to move back to Holland.

But yes, definitely, there's plenty of culture gaps and conflicts that get in the way of things - of certain kinds of communication, and perhaps of my appeal to anyone too. And thats on top of the life of an expat, let alone a relatively new one, being by definition at risk of loneliness.

But no, wouldnt want to move. I can easily imagine being happy in Berlin or Prague too, but I dont want to start over.

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littlek wrote:

How are you feeling, nimh?

Overall, a lot better. Not because anything has changed about the things I wrote about here. I still feel ugly. I still have the feeling there's this glass wall between me and others, especially when it comes to people (not) seeing anything more than a nice boy or a good friend when they look at me. Its still frustrating. I still feel invisible. I'm still frustrated/resentful about what is considered "weak", and at the same time I still hate myself for being weak, too.

So - none of that changed -- and I'm guessing it will be there (for me to grapple with) for quite some time. Years rather than weeks, I'm guessing. But I'm hardly depressed 24/7. It really does seem to be something that comes and goes cyclicallly. As it happens, Ive had plenty of distraction, just nice fun, the past coupla weeks. Meeting friends, hanging out with this group of people on and off, doing nice things, going to nice places. And now I'm back in Holland, just arrived on Friday and will stay here till the 31st, and spent good times with my two nephews, one brand new. They're both too cute.

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nimh wrote:

It really does seem to be something that comes and goes cyclicallly.

I always say re: PMS that it's not that I make up grievances but the things that I can usually handle fine suddenly REALLY bother me. Before I learned ASL and had that outlet I would have monthly rages about being deaf. Could handle it the rest of the time, but right then it was just too, too much to bear.

Not saying you have PMS or the equivalent, but that perfectly legitimate stressors can be more or less overwhelming according to mundane things like body chemistry.

Quote:

As it happens, Ive had plenty of distraction, just nice fun, the past coupla weeks. Meeting friends, hanging out with this group of people on and off, doing nice things, going to nice places. And now I'm back in Holland, just arrived on Friday and will stay here till the 31st, and spent good times with my two nephews, one brand new. They're both too cute.

That all sounds really good!

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Said Soz - I always say re: PMS that it's not that I make up grievances but the things that I can usually handle fine suddenly REALLY bother me.

Absolutely, you nailed it. Whatever triggers mood swings or accentuation of feelings, and men have brain chemistry going on as well as women, I always felt, when most down, that I was most observant, and that it was the rest of the time there was a coat of false sunniness of spirit over a thicket of shards.

I'm glad you really like Budapest, nimh.

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Meanwhile, I bought a new cellphone... its very fancy. <nods> Considering Ive never actually bought a cellphone before (my previous two were both hand-me-downs from friends/family), its very fancy indeed.

Its also got a camera..

These are very dark, but they're me (they're also clickable).

http://img519.imageshack.us/img519/8115/img021gz3.th.jpg

http://img72.imageshack.us/img72/9788/img019wb7.th.jpg

http://img72.imageshack.us/img72/4543/img022yi2.th.jpg

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What the hell? I thought you were supposed to be ugly. I figured you were at least a little goofy-looking.

Turns out I can't trust your judgment at all.

F*cking unreliable human beings.

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sozobe wrote:

Not saying you have PMS or the equivalent, but that perfectly legitimate stressors can be more or less overwhelming according to mundane things like body chemistry.

Yeah. And things like lack of sleep, too.

And mental frailty seems to double up. If you're already tottering mentally, practical problems can seem completely overwhelming/unhandleble. And vice versa.

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nimh, I know how you feel. I am a lot like you in that respect. I have realized that many people are. I also feel isolated. I meet very few kindred spirits. Very few who 'get' me. It makes those few all the more special. I haven't had a date in over a year - and those few dates were the first in 1.5 years. I haven't had a steady/serious relationship in (.....counting the fingers on both hands.....) years.

And, I can see in those pix that you are NOT ugly!

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patiodog wrote:

I figured you were at least a little goofy-looking.

Looking grumpy helps. Whenever caught looking happy, I look completely goofy. Thats really the right word. And when caught unawares randomly, I mostly look stoned. So Ive started trying to remember to look grumpy for photos.

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Not one bit.

If he had broad hips and breasts and a vagina and less facial hair and maybe softer features and wasn't so well-read and didn't smell of pickled herring, I'd do him.

Oh, and wasn't Dutch. But that goes without saying, doesn't it?

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nimh wrote:

patiodog wrote:
I figured you were at least a little goofy-looking.

Looking grumpy helps. Whenever caught looking happy, I look completely goofy. Thats really the right word. And when caught unawares randomly, I mostly look stoned. So Ive started trying to remember to look grumpy for photos.

Ditto myself, on all of those counts.

People usually think I'm stoned when I'm not.

Which doesn't give one much of an incentive to not be stoned, eh?

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Far from ugly.

Your inner demon is a real sum bitch, quit listening to him.

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nimh,

I hope you'll believe what everyone here is saying. People are always their own worst critics. You look fine! :wink:

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I'm with littlek about how difficult it can be to find a love connection. Chemistry can't be faked and real chemistry is rare. It's easier to find a friend than a soul mate. Like everyone else has said, I don't think your problem is external. It's partly that you are projecting sadness and that scares people. Finding romance requires a lot of risk taking and confidence.
I think while you are waiting for Ms. Right, you should just do things you enjoy and that make you happy.

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People say it's inner beauty that counts, but I've seen innards, and they're all ugly.

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Two things about nimh

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