Two things about nimh

Nimh:
These links come highly reccomended. These sites are run by a large education institution here in Aust.
look over the sites, work through the links, register for moodgym give it a shot.

http://www.bluepages.anu.edu.au/

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/

Yep, tried it. Got me a coupla good friends, but noone to touch.


Only if you repeat it in a PM but this time include your phone number.





There's another thing. (Most) people - except those really close by and those with exceptional sensitivities - thats about 2 or 3 in all that I can think of in this town - dont realise. How I feel, I mean, how I really feel. How bad it is, kinda (though I hate myself for being whiny when I put it like that.) Because I'm always making a joke of it, you know? Just making fun of it, of the situation, carrying off any awkward revelation about how I feel by making fun of myself, or making some cheeky joke, or whatever. The whole "laughing because he's sad" thing.

(Though I can do unabashedly grumpy too, at least at work.. they forgive me for that luckily because I then make a joke about how I'm being grumpy and make them laugh with that. Etc.)

A former uncle of mine (he may actually still be my uncle, not sure if there was ever a divorce between him and my aunt, as they're both more or less insane and incapable of dealing with mundanities like paperwork) -- so, an uncle of mine is Hungarian. I don't know if he was at all representative -- he was also a black marketer, a military dodger, and an expat for 30 years or so, and temperamental artist and an absurdly talented and unemployable wood and metal worker, so he may not have been -- but I got the impression through him that Magyars were fiercely self-identified. And about as un-Dutch as you could be, from what I've seen of you folks.

I wonder if you may not be by default something of a mascot -- you know, automatically not a potential sex partner. Just a thought. Even if my hunch is at all accurate, it may only apply to the old-school small-village folk that Janos comes from.






The other stuff, yer own personal process, that's yours, but keep sounding off if you gotta.



(Is there anyone there you can just, you know, go ask, "Why the hell can't I get laid in this town?!?" Some people are good enough to answer with honesty and tact...)

nimh,

I've seen your pic and, trust me, you are one cute guy!

Stray Cats are never wrong about these things.

OK, I'm going to sign off of this thread for now in a second - no slight at all intended to the good advice and caring messages I havent yet come to - just need to look at something else.

Two things still quickly:


Yes. I do that. Exactly that.

You'd think one would get over that when 35 instead of 20, huh? <grimaces at himself>

And yes, it kicks off exactly that vicious cycle you describe.


Well thats what the whole f*cking thread is about isnt it? I CANT. Obviously.

I wish I could. Dont know exactly what is wrong. But its like I'm poison.

Seriously - at first I thought I actually played a lot better here than in Holland (never had much happening with Dutch women, half of my gf's/etc were foreign) - because you get so many charming/charmed first reactions. But I think thats just because Hungarians - the girls, anyway - are simply far more charming and flirty, by habit. Nothing to do with you. Not with me, anyway, cause there's nothing - absolutely zilch and nothing - happening beyond that.

Like I said, I'm poison. Its like Ive got a big board on my head that says Loser, Dont Touch, or something. Or Really Nice Guy, Dont Sleep With. I dont know. But yeah, if I was getting laid I wouldnt feel so f*cking ugly, would I?

(No hostility to you expressed in the above, btw. Just frustration. And anger that is getting precariously close to bitterness.

But the bitterness also again stems from that episode half a year ago. I think. Perhaps. Or I'm just looking to identify a scapegoat moment to handily explain all this in one swoop.)

nimh --

Come back soon, ok?

((((kitty hugs))))

No offense taken. I was immediately sorry I posted that flip reply. Sorry, nimh. You know one of my sons is currently living in Austria, right? He has found Austrian women to be totally incomprehensible. He has finally found a girlfriend, but she played the most annoying head games with him before she finally became his girl. His friends apparently knew what it was all about...some kind of cultural thing, seemed to me. She needed for him to be more agressive. He's very much like you, as I've told you many times. Very kind, very funny...very undatable so it seemed. ( and not ugly at all.) Well, he listened to his friends and she relented. I didn't ask for details. Mothers really don't want to know that their children are sexual animals

Awww! No! I HATE for my a2k crush to be feeling down-- if only I was in Hungary...<sigh>

You know, I'm blushing at the computer as I write this, but I gotta say: [size=7]I'm not kidding about having a crush on you![/size] As a matter of fact, you annoy Mr Cypher because of how often I mention you <hee hee> You're so intelligent and nice and funny; and I know you're not in the right place to believe this no matter how often people try to reassure you (I know how it is because I've felt like the ugliest girl in the world for most of my life), but I've seen your pics on here and I think you're really cute. Totally, 100%, do-able (buy me a plane ticket and I'm there)...

Yeah, I could see at least part of it has to with the foreigness business. Word in italian is strainieri - like strangers in English. And that - given who and where you are personally - a general lack of interest to people not just like themselves as mate material would trigger a what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-me thing.

How about a different group of people, some with international interests, or other interests that coincide with yours?

I did wonder whether you'd see the joke, after I'd put my foot in it and then read the tone of the thread.
You obviously know by now Nimh, that us English don't go in for all the group hug stuff that our Colonials tend to do, but prefer to take the P out of the person by cracking some outlandish joke.

(secretly, it means that we have great affection for them, but we are too stiff upper lipped to come right out and say it.....but that's just between you and me, OK?)

PS....If you want the phone number of a Hungarian beauty (Csepel Island) that is a wizard with any form of kitchen implement, just give me the nod.

((((((((((sending Texas-sized hugs to nimh))))))))))



I have to say, your brain turns me on. What's wrong with these women?? They obviously have no clue what they're missing.

Awww Nimh, I'm sorry you're feeling blue. It sounds like a cross between PMS and male menopause. Everyone has social droughts, but I don't think it's all physical. Women can tell when a man projects confidence or insecurity. I think you need to start projecting your charm in person as you do here on-line. I've slept with a number of men who at first glance were not my physical type, but they won me over with their sense of humor, wit and intelligence. OK I flopped down with the occasional man because he had a well placed dimple or eyes the color of denim, but were are not as memorable or relationship producing as the cerebral attractions. I think the best feature a man can have is a good brain, and you've proven you've got one of those.

I would suggest a Stetson like the one dys owns.

nimh, I know what you mean. I feel your pain. That earlier little post I put up here was me in a nutshell. I didn't realize you had the same kind of deal.

I find that it sometimes helps to commiserate with somebody. Yeah, doing it on A2K is probably helpful, but if you had somebody you could just blow off steam with and blab about how much everything blows and how life isn't fair, and how the beautiful people get everything they want, and on and on and on...I think that might help. I know I've felt better after doing that in the past.

And if that doesn't work, go out, get sloppy-ass drunk, and say the most obnoxious line you can think of to the hottest, bitchiest-looking girl you can find. When she tells you to get the hell away from her you loser, scream in her face as loud as you can, "F*CK YOU, YOU F*CKING C***!", and run away.

Well. You are both very bright but express it... very differently.
I too have fallen for folks on looks, but with the memorable people it was brains/wit/eyes, and no kidding re physical not being key unless a booger was hanging out. It mattered, but what happened was that my range of attractive physicality grew as I grew more attracted to brains.

But, I only speak for me, not Hungarian women or Manhattan women.

<popping back in for a second just for the one post>

<err, well, the one really long post>


Its odd you should mention that - the PMS thing - because it does seem to be cyclical. The downs come round pretty regularly every a while, I was saying this a while ago to A actually - that it helps me calm myself to realise that it does kindof appear to surge and fall in cycles, so just wait (it out), already.

(I'm a bit young for menopause tho, I think.. ;-)


I think - I mean, I dont know, I cant really tell - but I think I'm plenty charming already in person - thats how everyone thinks I'm such a .. well, such a dear. Nice, funny, kind, sweet. That stuff. I have friends here - not an overwhelming number, but it's going OK, lately, actually, in terms of social life - better than in the past, better than some other expats I know too.

Yeah people seem to think I'm a nice guy, the ones that get to know me at least, they seem to like me. I mean, staying away from the expat-business scene, keeping to the dive bar people instead. (We actually went on a Sunday outing twice past month, once gathering way early in the morning to go walking, group of us pub crawlers. Ironically, most of em appear to be psychologists of profession, but they work with kids.)

But noone even seems to come to the idea that I could also be slept with. Thats a wholly different story.

Thats not just inconvenient - its not just about not getting laid. Id be much more ok with that if at least I got this vibe every once in a while that - hey - they see me. They notice. I caught their interest - that kind of interest I mean. But its like I'm ... not there, kinda. Just invisible. Thats worse than the thing about not getting any in itself. (And I'm talking a year or two by now, not just the odd month or something.)

The confidence thing - yes. I know. Thats what it all comes down to, isnt it?

Every single person tells me this. Women like confidence more than anything! It doesnt matter if you're not handsome or anything - if you believe in yourself, they will like you! Insecurity is an immediate turn-off. Makes women nervous or anxious to get involved. Gotta be self-confident!

Right, so where does that leave me? (Not being aggro, more being ... completely discouraged. <nods>) You cant fake self-confidence. You cant walk the walk and hope people will believe it - well, I mean you can, but anyone halfway smart will see right through you - and who likes a swaggering wannabe.

Plus, re walking the walk - to try to create the impression - just the thought of it... acting like someone I'm just totally not, not ever really and especially not right now? Projecting confidence when inside, I feel so small? Making sure I never let my true self or feelings show through, playing / acting the role? I'm - I'm just.. well, I cant do that.

For a number of reasons. Because I'm repulsed by the concept. Because it makes me extremely defiant - irrationally rebellious, even (like I'm being right now in this couple of paragraphs, I mean . Have we really gotten nowhere since The Cure's Boys Dont Cry? Am I still to be stuck in that trap? Please no, it cant be, I dont want to <hanging on with nails to the door>.

I also dont want to repudiate myself that way, kinda - well, what I want to say is something like that, but without the grotesque-sounding big words - by consciously trying to act like I'm another type of person -- mostly cos I'm afraid that it'll just reinforce that feeling of disgust of myself that I have..? Like, when I start consciously trying to hide that I'm insecure and sensitive and full enough of self-doubt to be a bit of a drama king - pushing all that away (more still) - wont that just reinforce the feeling of shame I already have about it all, about myself (because that is who I am)?

And mostly, because I'm not up to it. I dont have the strength. I just want to hide. Constantly guarding myself, I mean, to make sure I transmit self-confidence rather than, you know, the little boy or insecure freak I often am - I cant. Plus it'd make me feel even more lonely I think, because the real me - like, little me, that little boy - would be even more alone, behind the wall of make-believe...

<as you can see i'm still hanging on to the door by his nails. I have practise.>

And yet, of course - that all sounds awfully tough and defiant - but the truth is, at the same time - I just wanna be loved. And wanted. The above sounds kinda proud, perhaps, but its not - its more like desperate. Like realising that in order to get what you really, really want, you'd have to do something you're not actually able to. Or that you'd just feel even more humiliated by.

And what about them seeing through it? Scratch the whole above X paragraphs underneath "who likes a swaggering wannabe", go back there - they would see right through it, no? I'm not self-confident. I dont think I will be any time soon, regardless of pills or therapy. Perhaps not ever. I look at these guys, in the pub or whereever - not necessarily handsome guys, not at all, but guy guys - and they're just - self-evident. They're like that without even thinking a nanosecond about it. They just have it. I dont. So where does that leave me? If everyone tells me, self-confidence is the aphrodisiac, insecurity is the repellent - considering that I wont be nicely self-confident any time soon even if I tried - that makes it pretty much hopeless, doesnt it..

<sulks, kicks pebble>

Bugger.

Manopause.

Pah, I'm put off by a lot of self confidence. A lot of it is suspect.

On the other hand, honest self knowledge is interesting, if not welcome at extensive length at the first cup of coffee.

Are you a non-drinker among drinkers, nimbo?

Thing is A. saw something in you. You got a girl like A. She was terrific. There are more A's out there. You can get a great girlfriend and you don't have to sell your soul to do it. You meet a girl you like. You ask her for a date. (Do people date anymore? Am I that old-fashioned?) If she says "No." It's not the end of the world. You ask someone else. Keep meeting people and eventually you'll meet someone wonderful who gets you.

You're a great guy, habibi. Try not to be so hard on yourself.