Joeblow wrote:Nimh, I was gonna ask if you were on zyban. I had to take myself off it recently - I was seriously adversely affected.
I felt unpredictable. seriously hostile, irritable, and/or teary. Worse was prolonged feelings of apathy...with an attitude. Not only did I not give a ****, I didn't give a f'king ****. I could go from zero to ten (emotionally) faster than a heartbeat.
Well, that sounds like (the worst of) me, allright.
But then I was like that before the Citalopram, too. I mean, thats part of why I started it in the first place. (Well, more than that. Long story.)
It took me a long time before I accepted it. I had this therapist - she was really good. Really, really good. And she gently mentioned it a few times - that medicine could be a useful, you know - supporting strategy, kinda. But I was very, very distrustful of pills. These TV images of Americans on Prozac. All hyper-happy and fake as hell, and try to find your own actual emotions back underneath that. Something like that, that was my image, my dread. (Prejudice, yes.)
After one particular event or crisis I gave in and said I'd give it a try. That was about - I dunno - two years ago? I remember they first prescribed something else, made me panic and throw up (but perhaps that was psychosomatic because I'd been so afraid of what these pills do to you). Then this and went up to 2 a day.
It really helped, especially in the beginning it made a world of difference. I'd been pretty crazy you know, we both went crazy back in '02. Compared to that... well, feeling ugly isnt quite the same as, you know, being five.
That therapist helped and then the pills helped in establishing some kind of bottom level, some kind of concrete safe-floor, so I wouldnt fall lower than that. Also helped stabilise feelings in general somewhat.
But I;m still a drama king. And my feelings still go starkly up and down. And when I feel lost I really feel desperate - like panicky or helpless. Not as bad as it usta be. But bad enough. Yeah, everything you describe, except for the hostile - I do feel hostile, and angry, but only at an abstract level - not towards any individual person (irritable yes, hostile no).
Yeah. <breaks off train of thought>
One thing is different now though than even in those worst of days. A. and I were a curse to each other but also a blessing. Nobody knows me better than her, and I dare say vice versa (or at least few do). We were very, very close (when we were not fighting). And oh yeah - on this sideline that this thread is actually about - I may always have had a negative self-image (is what I think its called) complex, not believing I was handsome or attractive, feeling (or beating) down on myself - but there was always, no matter how exasperated I may have made A. at times - there was always visible immediate proof that I was wrong. God, she dug me. (And me her.)
Before that too. Compared to some of you I have a pretty tame past. But I also never had all too much reason to complain through my 20s - had my girlfriends, my lovers. I was somewhat of an acquired taste, perhaps - but I wasnt poison.
Now I'm poison. Apparently. At least in that way (everybody does think I'm really nice, really kind, funny too - so "kedves", such a dear.) But its like I'm - a eunuch. I feel like an untouchable. I feel ugly.
And yes, my head/mind of course knows, rationally, that the more I feel like that, the more I will repulse people, that way at least (because you can see/feel it); and the more that happens, the more I feel this way.
Also, something happened about half a year ago that at once dumped me three levels down on my descent on this. That at once made me feel - well, lets just say, before that I never thought as myself as handsome - but since, I only need to look at a woman I like to immediately think: I'm ugly, its hopeless.
Yeah, lets cut that train of thought off there now as well.
