sozobe wrote:I think I've said before that nimh really reminds me of a good friend of mine, who was my boss at a used bookstore. He had a sort of an A in his past too, a big intense relationship that wasn't really healthy for either of them but left a huge impression. When I met him he was recently over that, and for the next 4-5 years I kept trying to get him to flirt/ ask women out/ whatnot and he just wouldn't. Wasn't him, and he didn't want to compromise who he was, even though he was getting more and more annoyed (to put it mildly) about being single. Then he finally met this woman at some sort of book sale -- another used bookseller -- and they're so damn perfect together. They're both people who have very strong senses of self, and didn't meet until late in life (he was in his late 30's I think, she was in her mid-40's), but are like -- wow. Really wonderful together.
Point? Not sure. Highly irresponsible to suggest that if it happened to this guy it'll happen to nimh -- who knows. But I always admired that about my friend, that his refusnik ways got him exactly where he wanted to be, eventually.
Yes - <nods> - but its not
pride though, in my case. Its not principledness.
Like - re 2Packs' power drill - if I could get a big drill and hunt a bear with it - or something - I'd be happy. Definitely dont look down on it or anything - I
wish I was like that. Its just not something I have in me. (Which is a pity even alone already because women like it if you do - hey, I've read GreenWitch's
Man Card thread).
Likewise, I see no good and feel no urge to save myself for the right one - to wait until I find the One. I dont think there is such a thing, I think you can be happy with many people - and also, I'd be happy just with a roll in the hay now (or
especially happy with that, more so than with a proper relationship I'm probably emotionally not quite ready for yet).
The problem I have - and this is probably what you recognised, where he and I are alike (question mark?) - is with this - playing the man role thing. Even if its not by hunting game, at least by exuding confidence. Hard for me to do because I dont have it. And I'm not principled - I dont think, though there may be residual dogma/pride hiding underneath - about refusing to play like I'm anything I'm not.... ok, I am. That too. But thats not the main thing. I'd
love to be able to - go out, play that role, take the girl home (or however that works).
I was talking with a friend a few months ago (a girl) - and she basically said, suck it up - all you need to manage, is to act strong and empowered for the first X dates - once they've fallen in love you can always still be yourself. Well, I'm not doing her point justice, obviously - but I do think she was saying something about how she went about it herself (I know girls do this at least as much as guys, perhaps more).
But a), I'm physically not able to - I mean, chemically - to do the whole "pretend you're confident" thing. I try to make it so that I feel at ease in any given situation as much I can - because otherwise I get really anxious, up to panicky. I dont have panic attacks anymore like in the Bad Year Or Two back when - but a situation in which I was feeling I couldnt let show how I was really feeling because - for now, at least - I'd have to keep up the jovial, confident guy-guy routine? I'd be hyperventilating in the hallway pretending to have gone take a leak after 2 hours, seriously. I would be very unhappy.
You know what the little voice in my head (no, not that kind) has been saying, for years now? "I just want to go home..." Well, there is no more home to go to, so I try at least to make it so that where I am, at least, is homy. Not in my actual apartment, mind you - I'm bad at that, or at least, I have been bad at that here, in Budapest, mostly because I spend all my time outside - I actually had my place in Utrecht feeling really cosy in the end. But elsewhere. I look up friends and places where I can just kinda... not "hide out with", its not like that... but I dont have to worry. Theres no pretense, kinda. Which is probably why none of em sees me as someone to sleep with... and it makes me kinda angry that it works that way.
And - I was saying this earlier - I think its important. This is a problem I see with this one type of advice I get. But perhaps I'm wrong! I dont know. But this is the way it looks to me. Tell me. One of the main reasons I feel so shitty so often is because I am truly disgusted with myself sometimes - how pathetic I am, how - sensitive, emotional sometimes, impractical, intellectual/nerdy - vulnerable, in need of hugs not baseball games - and then the physical thing comes on top of that: how puny I am, how thin.
OK, so whats the problem? That I am thin, or emotional - or that I despise myself for being the way I am? My heart says the first, but my head (Ive gotten out of craziness
that far) says the second. OK, so I should learn to accept myself? To love myself for who I am? Is that the way to regain confidence and thus, ultimately, success as well? But then how does the other half of the advice come in? If people tell me, well, go work out! Get yourself those abs! Then it sounds to me like they're telling me I'm actually
right when I'm beating up on myself for being pathetically puny etc. Same with the emotional stuff. If inside, I often feel like a little boy lost - wich is I guess one layer of the problem - and then on top of that, I hate myself for being so vulnerable, so... unmanly, whatever ("boys dont cry", they use powertools) - and thats the second layer of the problem and perhaps the more acute one (question mark??) - then isnt the advice that I should just try to exude confidence and basically, well, act like I'm
not actually feeling the way I do - doesnt that then just reinforce the feeling of guilt, SHAME...? Legitimise it, kinda, and root it even deeper? (Dlowan?)
I know what some of you are thinking - oh god this guy is WAY overthinking it - but trust me, I just formulated it as a matter of the brain because I'm better at that, but its very much a matter of the
heart - or the soul - and I mean this question <frowns>.
Because in a way - just to add another layer of complication - in a way I'm
glad I found (back) this little boy inside, even if he's feeling lost. I'd lost him for a very long time. A. found him back. We shared that, with each other. I dont
want to push him away again, in shame or otherwise. Part of me is actually not ashamed of that side of me, and is rather just kind of - angry? helpless? - that people
dont love him.
Sheesh. This is complicated. Sorry.
Not ignoring all the rest of you... but its early morning here, I have to cach a few hours of sleep.
