Two things about nimh

I refuse to believe that a bit of insecurity, a touch of undisguised vulnerability in someone, is a turn-off to everyone! I just won't believe that.

I can't be the only woman out there that seeks out the guys who seem a little uncertain, can I? So no, I don't think you should try to project an air of self-confidence that you don't feel. Even if a woman that will respond to who you actually are might take longer to find, it still seems better to hold out than to make yourself feel like a phony. Plus, you'd kind of be building up walls, wouldn't you? Maybe barriers to intimacy when you do find someone?

I've always been shy, it's my bear to cross.

You're articulate, nimh.

Will you discuss what happened six months ago?

Will speaking of it ratify it or diminish its power?



This isn't a quiz. Just what I might say if you were here.

Somebody told me once that it's a mistake to compare the inside of ourselves... to the outside of others.

I try not to forget that, especially if I'm having a crisis in confidence.

Quote Nimh
"...but guy guys - and they're just - self-evident. They're like that without even thinking a nanosecond about it."



I started to say this an hour or so ago, but...didn't want to come across as ...."Buck up, be a man"....but since you said it yourself.

Don't think so damn much!

I'm about half serious with the things I'm about to say....

Go borrow a huge powerdrill, a huge noisy powerdrill....find some long thick screws....drive them into whatever the hell you want to, if this gives you some joy....repeat. Break something...something big...break it hard...wake the neighbors....and again, repeat if needed. Go out and find {hunt down} the biggest steak in town, take it home and eat it with your hands, no knife, no fork...devour it as if it is going to be your last meal for a month.

Hmmm.

I think that helps for some people, but I get what nimh is saying about his core personality, and not wanting to just totally deny it/ hide it/ cover it/ whatever.

I think I've said before that nimh really reminds me of a good friend of mine, who was my boss at a used bookstore. He had a sort of an A in his past too, a big intense relationship that wasn't really healthy for either of them but left a huge impression. When I met him he was recently over that, and for the next 4-5 years I kept trying to get him to flirt/ ask women out/ whatnot and he just wouldn't. Wasn't him, and he didn't want to compromise who he was, even though he was getting more and more annoyed (to put it mildly) about being single. Then he finally met this woman at some sort of book sale -- another used bookseller -- and they're so damn perfect together. They're both people who have very strong senses of self, and didn't meet until late in life (he was in his late 30's I think, she was in her mid-40's), but are like -- wow. Really wonderful together.

Point? Not sure. Highly irresponsible to suggest that if it happened to this guy it'll happen to nimh -- who knows. But I always admired that about my friend, that his refusnik ways got him exactly where he wanted to be, eventually.

Nimh, maybe this is a natural cycle similar to PMS. It may not be as physically obvious as what a woman experiences, but surely men must have chemical ups and downs. Why not keep a journal and see if a pattern emerges? Maybe it even has to do with the time of year, days are shorter with less sunlight. We stay inside more, which can trigger feelings of loneliness or isolation. Winter brings out our primordial desire to snuggle up with another warm body and hibernate. We need to find you a nice cave complete with Rachel Welch in a fur bikini.

Here's my .02c worth. I think we all have those down days that's caused by the chemistry in our brains. Some are able to handle it better than others, and some grow out of it with some life changes.

When I used to have those periods of uncertainty and low spirits, I would tell myself it's only for a short while; and they usually were. I rarely have those down days any more. Maybe it has something to do with age, and not letting all the small stuff bother me so much.

I was thinking earlier along the idea of soz's last post. It's not the numbers, it's the person.

nimh,

There seems to be a whole big theory floating around lately that women don't like nice guys and actually prefer jerks. There are books and websites devoted to the topic.

Don't believe it, nimh! Yes, young women will sometimes be attracted to the "bad boy" because he seems dangerous, exciting and sexy (the same reason that young men are often attracted to the "bad girls").

But once they've been burned by the bad boy type once or twice -- trust me -- most women are smart enough to learn from the experience.

They grow wiser and more mature -- and much more appreciative of the nice guy. Ok, some women may be doomed to seeking out one bad guy after another. What can I say? Some people never learn.

But I think it's important not to confuse being a bad guy with having confidence. A guy can be confident without being a jerk. And confidence is attractive in both men and women.

So how do you get confidence (which is really just another word for self-respect)? You have to earn self-respect. So what have you done lately that makes you respect yourself?

Sometimes we get so concerned about winning the approval and respect of others -- we forget that we also have to earn our own respect as well.

Stray Cat, Your mention of gals going after one bad one after another also happens to men. It takes two to tangle.

That's right, CI. There are also men who seem to masochistically seek out emasculating, bitchy women.

But I think the men and women who constantly hook up with jerks have some serious issues.

Fortunately, there are plenty of men and women out there who've figured out how to make a healthy match.

I know this isn't the topic of this thread, but there are so many women who stay with violent men that hurts them mentally and physically on a regular basis. I've often wondered what keeps them in those kind of relationships.

Egads, that sounds like PMS. Don't mean to belittle. I have felt like that often. Less so as I get older. That's one reason I am enjoying my 30s.

I think there are all kinds of reasons, CI. Some women mistake "meaness" for masculinity. Some women may be so insecure, they believe that kind of treatment is all they deserve.

And that's only scratching the surface.

Nimh I'm gonna go with 2packs who said get a bloody big power drill etc. Chopping wood with an axe is cathartic ( I do this). Go to a gym and flog yourself till you cant get up on the weights machines. Join a sports club see if there is one that can provide physical clashes. Jog/run, train for a marathon.
Sweat.

In short do something physical.

And lactually do something at the links I provided a couple of pages back.

Yep - I'd go with doing something physical. Anything! It doesn't have to be sexual - but that can't hurt.

and you are cute!

Thanks margo..... but this is nimhs thread.

Bah, humbug - you roo, you!

Nimh,

Getting any exercise?