How do I tell them?

JM...

I know it maybe a blow to you....to explain this to them, but I feel honesty is the best policy.

Some people are entitled to the truth, such as children or family. It helps them to understand, to help...even gain the understanding and knowledge of this disability.

But there are some that don't have to know the sorted details. They aren't entitled to the whole story...allow them to know what you want, or what you don't want...

I definitely agree that honesty is the best way to go. I don't thik you should be at all vague about it. But, I'm sure you'll get better advice from more qualified members here.

jmparrack--

Welcome to A2K.



I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, but I'd guess your Bipolar Disorder Diagnosis humiliates you. You're rational enough to know you can't control your brain chemistry without help, but you're anxious to maintain "control" over your life (and humiliation) by controling what other people know about your dis-ease.

As long as you're humiliated and ashamed about your disorder, you're never going to accept your disorder as a part of yourself. Right now, your "normal" life includes an out-of-control BiPolar disorder and accepting this is part of the cure.

What other people think isn't really important. Are you afraid of being socially isolated? Pelted with stones? Laughed at?

Most people in this day and age accept mental illness as a fact of life--and the people who don't aren't particularly well-informed or compassionate people.

Your family certainly deserves the truth. I assume your wife knows. You your children are preteens? Tell them that the doctor feels you need to stay home from work for awhile. As they grow older, they'll want more information and they will be entitled to more information.

Their big adjustment is probably going to be financial rather than emotional. Save your energy for the financial explanations and economies--don't fritter it on elaborate, inaccurate explanations.

Close friends, like close family, deserve the truth. Acquaintances need only the information that your doctor recomends you have a rest. As for your soon-to-be former co-workers, simply tell them that you're going out on disability and it is much too complicated to discuss at the moment.

Good luck.

Re: How do I tell them?
You guys are great! Keep 'em coming.....
Thanks!!!!!

I think there can be degrees of telling, e. g. the old "need to know basis".

Your immediate family (spouse and kids) of course would be told pretty much everything, with a lot more being told to the spouse than the kids. I'd consider them to be level one intimacy. Moving out in a spiral, then would come your siblings (if any) and parents (if still living), who I'd tell that (if I were you) that you have a mental condition, you're being treated and occasionally you need to be hospitalized and that your spouse will tell them when you go in and your expected release date if/when you're next hospitalized. That second degree of family will probably (hopefully) offer to help if they can and it's up to you and your spouse to decide what help you'd need (say, childcare). Third level would probably be parent and sibling (if any) in-laws. I'd tell something similar to what I'd say to level two but that's also because I, personally, have good relationships with my in-laws. If you don't, you might want to say less or maybe just tell them that you have a mental condition, you've been hospitalized in the past and then let them know if/when you next go in but only tell them after you've come out. Friends might also go under this level or even level two if you're particularly close. Then tell less and less to people you are less intimate with (e. g. neighbors). For some people, you may just be comfortable telling them you have a recurring illness that occasionally requires some hospitalization but you're currently well and then not give any added information (I'm a big fan of a lot of things not being the business of everyone on the planet). I guess I'd call that level four.

For work, it's a different story. You will need to mention something so that your benefits can be paid, but that might only have to be to HR. As a courtesy, you might want to tell your boss, particularly if you are close and sense your boss is an ally, you might want to provide level three or even level two details. For coworkers, if they are close, then do what you feel is right. Level four may be best, and for anyone you tell anything else to, ask them to respect your confidentiality.

There is concern and then there's gossip. I think your coworkers, neighbors, etc. may have some legitimate concerns and would also notice prolonged absences, but there's just so much they truly need to know. At a certain point, I feel it tips into "none of their business" land. I'm not suggesting that you feel shameful, I'm just saying that you have a right to maintain a zone of privacy, if you wish.

Re: How do I tell them?
Yeah, I'm hearing ya. My father and two of my sisters are all on s.s. disability for the same reason. My paternal grandfather was too before he passed away. It's sad to think about, but, when something this terrible runs in your family we need to be smart enough (including myself) to choose not to have children because of the high possibility that they will live a life of misery. And who wants THAT for their beloved children???
But, I really need a polite comeback that won't prompt additional questions to those people who have no business knowing my condition! I tried answering them with another question; ("Why do you ask?") but they still come back with "I'm just concerned." I'm scheduled to go inpatient 50 miles out of town for 6 to 8 weeks to try new drug therapies. My last two RX's caused drug induced Lupus and had terrible side effects.
Any suggestions on good comebacks would be very helpful!!!!!

Hello, jmparrack. Welcome to A2K.

My husband is the master at deflecting personal questions and answering a question with a question. He'll wait a bit (sometimes a seemingly long bit) and answer with a question, either on or off the topic of interest. If, "Why do you want to know?" doesn't work, you can follow the "I'm just concerned" response by thanking them for their concern and letting them know you'll be happy to come to them in the future for any support you need. Or, simply thank them and then provide an immediate deflection into a totally unrelated topic as to their own health, or their children's camp or school experience, or other topic that lets them talk about themselves. If all else fails, there's nothing wrong with saying you're coping well by not talking about it - and then don't talk about it!

Good luck to you and best wishes on the new therapies being effective.

Your husband should patent that tecnique, J_B.

PS jmparrack -- I hope you find the meds that help you best, with the fewest side effects.

I think that you have gotten some wonderful advice. Instead of "mental condition", I would either use the term "emotional problem", or if the person is sophisticated enough to understand, come right out with the term, "bi-polar disorder".

People are far more knowledgable about psychiatric conditions than they were in the past. It might be helpful to you, by sharing knowledge of your condition to people. In addition, you may be helping to further educate people about your illness.

As others have said, it is not necessary to go into "chapter and verse" with everyone that you meet. Jespah's description of how to deal with the varying people in your life. IMO, is excellent.

I agree with JPB's husband's technique. If all else fails, simply say, "I'd rather not discuss it." Then change the subject.

I do agree that bipolar is nothing to be ashamed of, and that most people are pretty educated about it. But this is personal information, and you're under no obligation to discuss it if you don't feel like it. Same goes for any medical condition.

Oh, and...Welcome to A2K!