Alzhiemers Bitterness,Anger, Rebellion Controlling

Dreamangel--

Welcome to A2K and vent away.

Your mother sounds exhausting--and troublesome. Is there anyone in Birmingham who will listen to you vent? You're most welcome here, but sometimes a face-to-face sounding board can help an exhausted person to regain a sense of perspective.

Thanks Noddy...I am attending a support group that meets once a month. I plan to join one or two more...not much more than that I can do...thanks for your encouragement...

Dreamangel--

Check the internet. There are a number of support sites for children coping with seriously impaired parents.

As your mother goes downhill, you'll have to develop a wicked sense of humor.

Several of us on A2K have dealt with loved ones with dementia. For me, it was my dad.

I don't think that it is unusual to be angry.

And scared.

And mad.

Or anything else.

The person with dementia feels all this, and more.

But you do have to know that this is not really the same person you have always known. It can be hard to sympathize with them. It can be frustrating and exhausting.

My father was often mean to my mother after his dementia set in. It was very, very hard for her to learn not to take it personally. He really didn't know any better. He had forgotten "better".

Vent away! I know it helped me just to say it out loud when I was confused and angry.

Sadly, when someone has alzheimers, anger and hatred almost come hand in hand .

it is NOT.. i repeat.. NOT a easy disease for the FAMILY.

I have worked with alzheimers patients for 9 years.
I know for a fact that most family members walk away from the person because they do not know them anymore.

And I dont blame them.

The nicest, sweetest most loving person in the world , can become full of venom , hate , racisim.. you name it.

It is a horrid disease.

And I am sorry you have to watch it.

Even though, my job was to take care of alzheimers patients, my advice to you is to stay away.

Work FOR her AWAY from her as much as you can.

Work with her doctor. If he wont talk to you , go to his superior.
It is very important she get into a facility and soon.
If she is willing to live in an empty house, she obviously is forgetting the here and now wich is dangerous.

I agree, she should not have a car if she doesnt remember what she is doing.

And from here.. what will happen... is the time between episodes will get smaller and smaller until she is angry all the time.
After that, her mind will just dissappear and she will revert backwards for years on end.
honestly coming to a point where she wont recognize you because she thinks you are younger..

Im sorry to be so blunt and not offering you any " light at the end of the tunnel"
but honestly with alzheimers, there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
Just their death.

It is going to be hard.
it might even get harder.
So , do what you can from where you are.
Take a break from her NOW while she can still function because there may come a time where it is necessary that you are around her 24/7 even if it is to get her into a facility.

You have my sympathy, empathy and best wishes.

I post here alot.. I will come back to this thread and see how you are doing.

Today I spoke with Family Services in South Florida. They had sent a "detective" as they call the person out to interview my Mother. Thus they let me speak to the detective. She told me my mother knows what she is doing and is fully capable of taking care of herself. She said that she had made it from a cab to the airport, flew to south florida, got her car and was doing fine. She also said my mother told her that she had already been down to South Florida driving two trucks when she moved down there. I said to the detective..yeah that was in 1999 and 2000. There is a big difference in 6 years. Then the detective mentioned that my mother said " I am trying to make her out to be crazy" and I told the detective..no that I am concerned with her safety and the safety of others on the roadway. I told her that 700 miles is a long way for my mother to drive by herself. I also told her that a few weeks ago my mother went to Arkansas from Alabama with me and over half the drive she was ASLEEP on the passenger side with her mouth hanging open. I knew with this detective I had to focus on the safety element. My mother is a master manipulator...and it is very easy for her to swoon the most ussuspecting
people. The detective went on to say...that she had called my mothers doctor in Birmingham and faxed a form to him to sign saying that she is released to drive. She did mention my mother said that her doctor said she can drive. I reminded the detective that was MY MOTHERS WORD ONLY ...and that the doctor had not returned my telephone calls or answered my certified letter to him. She said that according to Florida law she did not have to follow up on my mother until 30 more days...and she said if she leaves before then there is nothing she can do. I told the detective how her first dr in bham had said she needed to take a driving test and how she changed doctors to get around that...and so this story goes on...

Shewolfnm I don't see where I have a choice but to stay off the phone and away from my mother...and at this point I would not want to be her doctor nor DHR nor Florida Family Services. The way I see it..is that I have given over to them a problem that I had no control over that needs to be monitored for assistance. If the system fails at least I know I have tried. But I seriously do not want to see an innocent victim lose their life on the road due to my mothers selfishness...I have already seen this happen with another family member...the victim was a young 29 year old guy with an undergraduate degree and two masters...He was talking on a cell phone and did not see what was coming at him...ANOTHER PERSON WHO SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ON THE ROAD DRIVING that had been released after a diabetic leg amputation by the rehab hospital to drive. I also tried to stop that one..but no one would listen..then just as I had predicted IT HAPPENED...to this day I know an innocent life was lost...the results was that the boys family got $100,000 from the relatives insurance and that was it...really sad....

Boomerang...I know the anger is not unusual but dealing with it is another entire problem..when you have someone in denial, determined to have everything their way no matter whom falls by the wayside during the process...

Another thing I have noticed is that my mother is so negative these days...she dwells on negativity...

Although today I spoke with her insurance agents secretary and she said..oh I spoke to your mother yesterday "she is so sweet".....
My throat sunk to my stomach...she just does not know my mothers OTHER SIDE...its almost like a split personality...2 different people...

I don't think your mother is being selfish in the usual sense of the term.

One of the hardest things to get a grip on when a person starts in with the symptoms of Alzheimer's is that we keep treating them like obstreperous reasonable people. My mother got strangely paranoic... but, not always.

You are all upset you have to open the door and carry groceries for her. First of all, she is 85, never mind the Alzheimer's. You're treating her like the mother you've probably long argued with and bitched about, which if this is alzheimer's, doesn't apply.

I think your larger (can it be larger) problem is your relationship with your son. I think you could use some counselling on how to deal with all this. I have no idea what support systems can give you help on that.
In my day of dealing with it, about 35 years ago, Alzheimer's wasn't commonly recognized, and I too am an only child. I was frantic. I saw a social worker (no help), and so on. But... I think there is more help out there now, I just don't have the data at hand for you.

Osobuco

I am glad to help my mother if she needs help with the groceries. But she has long term complained how she cant do this and that. Suddenly she is in Florida and putting her own walker in and out of the car with apparently no problem and carrying in her own groceries...its just quiet a contrast from the usual that is the point I was trying to make. My mother is in better physical shape than I am. I have not had health insurance in years and my mother sees an average of two or more doctors a month. If I get hurt or sick I have to make the best of it. If the same were to happen to my mother she has sufficent insurance to receive the necessary heathcare which I am glad for her that she has. However I am on my own.

Actually too no I have not long argued about my mother nor that other word you used. I have come to this board because my mother is a difficult case..she does have a problem and so far there has been no one that I can get to take this serious...I sincerely do not want to see her hurt or to hurt someone else.

Dreamangel--

You have done everything that you could both to protect your mother and to protect the world from your mother.

Right now, you can do no more.

Is your mother an only child? My husband is afflicted with an Alzheimer's sort of condition. Frequently I'm no longer "me"--He's talking back to his mother or squabbling with a sister or trying to lay down the law to one of his former foster daughters.

Of course your hurt that your mother no longer reacts to you, but to a perso she sees as unjustly usurping authorithy. This is part of the pain of Alzheimers.

You have done what you can. Try to enjoy the vacation you've been assigned by circumstances.

Sorry, dreamangel, in retrospect I see I misunderstood your first post.

My mother is still on the loose.

The first day she got to Florida she rented a car. One of her neighbors called to say it looked like she had already had an accident. They said the right front bumper was pretty messed up. I called her insurance co and they said they had not had a new accident reported. So my guess is that she is paying out of pocket for the damage and trying to conceal it.

Secondly, last week she left Florida and drove back to Birmingham. It took her three days to drive back to Birmingham. Its a miracle but she made it. We have not spoken in 5 weeks now.

Yesterday she called my house and left a message for me to call her back. She said "this has to end" and she indicated she wants to get the family back together. She then began to ask my 16 year old personal questions about me.

Seriously I want her to leave me alone. I love her to no end but she pulls me down. She is like a parasite. She wants to maintain total control over me..and with this sickness she has...she does not make rational decisions.

I have also begun to think she has a split personality. Something I just took for granted all these years that was just part of a Mother being a mother..it has taken meeting Alzhiemers head on for me to actually realize my mother had serious problems even before the Alzhiemers.
Now that the Alzhiemers in involved...the truth has surfaced revealing
a problem my Mother had I had never realized.

As long as she denies she has Alzhiemers and refuses help..the strain on the family will continue as I see it. The bitterness, her actions and behavior are so demanding and hurtful to anyone that stays around her very much. Everyone becomes a target sooner or later that doesn't want to do things her way.

DHR is going to her apt. this week to meet with her and check out her living conditions. This should be interesting I will let you all know what happens.

dreamgirl, your conjectures may be true or not trus at all.

As an observer I don't mind if folk fill in all the familaril charts they can gather.






<lessee, late thirties..?

Dreamangel--

One of two things will probably happen. Your mother (warts and nastiness and all) may admit she needs help.

Or, her behavior will become completely out of control and a judge will declare her a "clear and present danger to herself or others".

Unfortunately, you can't influence the future. You can start repairing your morale and building strength for that time when you will be needed.

Good luck.

Dreamangel,

Keep venting here if it helps. I hope your mom is okay and you hear from her soon.

I'm no expert in Alzheimer's, but I have worked with a lot of people who have come to face some tough changes in circumstances and level of ability. Some of them have had Alzheimer's. I've spoken to a lot of families.
I've had personal relationships where the person i once knew changed bc of disease.
So, yeah, I'm no expert, but I feel qualified to share a bit in this thread.

You really sound like you need this break. As Noddy said, to gather your strength and support.

Shewolf knows what she is talking about, and she is not trying to scare you. It's stuff that you need to digest. Sometimes things happen quickly.

It's 'show time' as they say. Time to rise above old disputes and old wounds.

Is it easy? Lord, no! But you can do it. You have to do it.

You mom is going to need you. It is as simple as that. She needs you to be strong. To be there in her time of need.

There's a saying that is used in my family a lot. We're a tough lot, been through a lot, as many families that endure have.
"Go ahead and hate me. Hey, I might hate you sometimes. BUT BE THERE."

You just do what you have to do. One day it may be me, or you, driving our kids up the wall and wanting to bolt. (I don't have kids yet, but I might).

If your mom needs care away from you, then that is fine.
But be careful....it can be easy to blur 'disease' and when the person is saying something that is just 'life'. Like, maybe I read incorrectly, but in your original post did you not say that you moved her right after her sister's death? And she was unable to attend the funeral?
That could p-off a person, Alzheimer's or not.

Your last post mentioned your mom calling and saying 'this has to end' and showing a desire for the family to pull together.
Perhaps she has some understanding that things are not right with herself, something scary is happening. I honestly still can not imagine how scary and confusing Alzheimer's must be.

Take care. Recoup. Gather yourself. And I'll be sending good vibes hoping your mom is safe and sound right now. And good vibes for you too.

i have been sitting here wonder how long i myself would be able to handle my mom, who lives with us, with her alzheimers.i am so tired of her asking the same questions over and over again all day long.

my mom has two moods , sassy and nasty. she was never a real great mom, oh, she took care of me but very strictly.

if she looses anything, tissues, remote,her reading papers, it's my fault. i took them. she accuses my husband and i of stealing money. she treats my grandkids badly. if i fight with her, it makes no difference, she does not remember it.

i have to say, your case is different than mine. you have had a lot of bad things happening in your life. just know that you are doing right by your mom. but, to keep your own sanity you may have to stay away. and don't feel guilty about it.

i know i have lot more worse things coming my way. but, i am in a wheel chair . i have copd. on oxygen 24/7. my mom is also. she cannot walk or drive. so, there are very few times i can get out and get away from her. and it seems like recently, if we leaves she is afraid to stay alone. thank goodness for my daughters, they do help me.

god is on our sides, keep praying and so will i. sandee