The Computer and Other Works of Satan (An Exposé!)

Some rambling from a while back I just dugg up, with lots of help from something I read online but can no longer find....


Answering some computer questions 'round these parts recently inspired this no-nonsense, only-the-facts look at how PCs work, which could come in handy if you're ever stupid enough to try to get your computer to do anything useful. You see, many instructional videos, books, and online thingies will tell you that your computer, in & of itself, has no form of intelligence or conscious thought; it is merely a tool, they say. They are of course lying. Computers are nasty little devils, as you will be made aware by this informative article.

How does my computer work?
As far as I can tell, computers work using a system known as Binary, with a healthy helping of Black Magic thrown in. Somehow this has something to do with a bunch of 1's and 0's and bits and bytes and rams and stuff.

Even though I'm sure that brief overview left you sitting there thinking "Wow! Now I'm a computer genius!", I'm going to try to reinforce your newly awakened genius by looking at how computers work in greater detail.

Warning and disclaimer: Despite what your innocent-looking computer might have led you to believe, the PC is a dangerous, malicious beast. So you shouldn't use any knowledge you might obtain from this tutorial to do any actual technical work, primarily because I'm making it up as I go along. Furthermore, I'm not responsible in any way should you disregard this warning & accidentally get your face stuck in the printer or cooling fan or something.

Mousepad & Processor
These 2 crucial computer parts are usually explained at the same time by people who know exactly what they're talking about.
You see, MMX stands for Mouse Mat, with an X on the end to make it sound important & stuff. This "mousepad" contains millions of micro-logic rodent-intelligence circuits, which calculate things like how many angels can dance on the head of a pin per second. Once calculatorized, this information is sent via so-called cables & circuits to a less important component called the processor, which may or may not have any real function in your PC.

Rodent
The primary function of the mouse is to give you something furry to hold on to. Mice are usually attached to the computer by a cable which kind of looks like a little tail, which makes the reason they were named mice quite obvious. (It's because they like running around in little wheels.)

Monitor
Monitors breed naturally in South America. They are hunted & shipped to Japan where they're fed nutritiously before being skinned, placed in gray plastic boxes, then shipped elsewhere.

Hard Drive
A hard drive is a hard thing that lives inside your computer whether you like it or not (kinda like a squatter). Its "disk" stores a sticky plasticine-like substance known as "data" until it is needed, at which point it ritualistically feeds it to monstrous insects, thereby preserving the delicate cycle that is life, & driving you crazy to the point where you put a fork directly up your nose.

Ha ha, I'm just pulling your leg of course. What actually happens is a little more complicated. The hard drive is normally needed when you wish to save information. This process requires neither an exorcist nor public baptism; it's accomplished by forcing microscopic, fluffy jelly babies to make imprints in the squidgyness of the plasticine-like substance (your data) with their bare hands.

To summarize: The hard drive is an internal component of your PC; it has no user-serviceable parts inside, the jelly babies are not edible, & it cannot be removed, as any attempt to that effect will result in a breakdown of the fabric of the space/time continuum, severe enough to cause total vegetarianism in the universe as we know it.

3.5-Inch Floppy
This is a standard geek's tool that's accepted by virtually every computer in the universe. Floppies sometimes come with a protective bag, called a condom. Unlike the write-protect tab, the condom, when left on, not only impedes the practice of software exchange, but can even fatally frustrate insertion. Personally, I prefer to call a 3.5-inch floppy a stiffy -- partly because I remember ultra floppy 5.25-inch disks; partly because I'm twisted. (In non-tech speak, the standard size of a stiffy might be a little more than 3.5 inches, but that's a whore of a different color.)

To summarize: A floppy drive is actually just like a hard drive except for the fact that it is floppy, i.e. it's a floppy hard drive.

Little known fact: Major manufacturers originally designed floppy disks as a cost-effective method of transmitting unwanted viruses.

The Green L.E.D.
The LED is there so that you can see in the dark when using your computer at night. It also doubles as a torch. If you are going out at night, take your PC with you to guide your path in the evil darkness.

Sound Card
No one has been able to determine why, but when a sound card is inserted into a computer it emits exactly the required sounds at exactly the required times. Convenient. I've long suspected that voodooism & moon phases play a strong role.

Memory
All computers have to have a certain amount of memory. A lot of people will make jokes about 256 RAM being 256 male sheep, but these people are stupid & have no sense of humor. To set the record straight, 256 RAM is 128 male sheep. The processor internally doubles them.

Motherboard
The motherboard is the largest circuit board in your PC and as such is ultimately responsible for most of the evil that originates from it. To help you grasp the sheer magnitude of devilry in your standard motherboard, consider the following analogy & everything will be crystal clear:

Well, you're familiar with alien movies, right? A motherboard is kind of like an alien mothership. Think about it..it's a central location that's vital for the existence of the entire machine, yet it's kind of mysterious, no one knows what it really does, nor do they ever really see it all that much, even though they know it's always there hatching diabolical schemes.

Keyboard
The keyboard is a kindof dull thing, so I like to imagine it as a woman with hundreds of aroused nipples which must be stroked at incredible speeds per minute. This keeps me awake when I need motivation to continue writing a completely nonsensical computer tutorial.

Printer
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray & the blinking red light. Printers are also the exact opposite of Dlowan. "Why?" I hear you ask...it's coz printers are serial tree-killers, while Dlowan is a well known tree-hugger.

The OFF button
This is the most useful device on your entire computer. When you've finally had enough of people like me, press once.