What the H-E-double hockey sticks?

Huh.

That's a weird one. No obvious cause comes to mind.

The only thing I can think of is that, with sozlet, she often reacts badly to pressure/ expectation. She loves the stage, but she likes to do things on her own terms, and own her own successes. If she's feeling pressured, she'll get surly.

Note, "feeling" pressured -- sometimes it's a situation that I don't think includes pressure, but she does.


Maybe he liked some things about swimming class and not others, and all of the things he liked are available at your own little swimming pool with none of the things he doesn't, so his tolerance for dealing with the things he doesn't like plummeted.

The crumpling sounds better than other possible stress reactions -- I think just comfort him, talk to him, see if he has any ideas about it.

Sometimes if I'm really curious about sozlet's motivation and she's not talking I'll make up a story about some OTHER kid and ask her why she thinks THAT kid felt that way. That seems to get her talking more readily, dunno why.

Boomer--

Two steps forward--one step back.

I don't blame you for being a hot, cross mother. You're entitled to feel that every-so-often the Fabric of the Universe just might stretch your way.
Hold your dominion.

Meanwhile, I'm sure the swimming coach is undergoing some harrowing soul-searching.

You didn't set out to make Mo crumple.

My guess--and it is only a guess--is that Mo may be frightened of success. He was faced with the challenge of transferring a newly-won skill into a new place.....and he crumpled.

Suppose he failed?

Well, if you don't try, you don't fail.

" 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all," doesn't apply to babies--and Mo was just a baby.

I'm afraid I disagree with you about the back-yard pool ban. Since he crumpled when faced with water, he should have a chance to dip his demons in some non-threatening water.

Under the fear, Mo is a unregenerate show-off. Once he perfects his water skills, he'll be insisting that you bring a Brass Band--or at least a C.D. of a Brass Band to the swimming pool.


Seemingly he'd conquered the last of his water inhibitions, but Mo's baggage is all covered with velcro. Sure he gets bushes and bears confused more than some other kids do, but that is the Mo you know and love--the one who jumps up and down on your heartstrings and your nerves and your sense of humor.

I'd continue with the swimming lessons, but make a new rule that instead of bolting, he has to tell you that he's nervous and the two of you can sit on the edge of the pool and be nervous together for a little bit.

Honor the nervousness, but don't indulge the nervousness--isn't that a really, helpful fine line?

Meanwhile, do you have a rubber duck who is tired of swimming in the bathroom sink and tired of swimming the the bathtub who would like to go out and swim in the new pool while Mo plays coach/lifeguard?

At least this enigma involves water on a hot day.

Hold your dominion.

I just put it to the kid, she had a similar idea, "Maybe he liked his pool more than the normal pool."

Now the hysterics are getting started.

Now things are starting to calm down.

Uh-oh - here come the hysterics.

This day is freaking me out. Mo's behavior is just plain weird today.

I'm working the "pressure" and "success" over in my mind trying to figure out if maybe I did something. All weekend he wanted me to pretend I was his swimming teacher, Kay, so he could show off for her. Today when we walked in Kay was at the desk and he hid his face from her. (He decided to add three band-aids to his undereye area yesterday and will not let them be removed so I thought he was embarrassed about his band-aids). We went into the changing room, he took his shower and we sat on a bench by the pool waiting for class to start. Everything was fine. Kay comes out and calls the class over. They don't let parents stay in the pool area during class - we are banished to the hillside overlooking the pool. I get up to leave and that is when everything started.

I admit to getting a little preturbed asking "What is going on?" and saying "You really do need to take your class." and such stuff.

He ran into the locker room and bolted the bathroom stall door. It is so weird that he wouldn't even respond to me. By then I was freaking out and I don't think I sounded angry - but I was insistent that he open the door. I finally had to break in because he wouldn't even talk to me.

I had promised him a pizza party if he took all of his classes since he wasn't too eager to go at first. When I reminded him that he had to take all of the classes to get the party he said "I don't want a pizza party".

Now he's getting hysterical about not getting to have his pizza party.

Maybe he's just O.D.ed on people. The shehooligans invaded the pool several times yesterday. Maybe he's just exhausted. Maybe he just needs a mommy day.

He keeps trying to sneak into the pool and I'm trying to find a way to back peddle without being a total weenie.

I don't know what is going on.

Could something have happened at swim class? A kid making fun perhaps, that might keep him from wanting to go back?

I recently got into an ultimatum trap, too. I stuck to it because it's an issue that's come up a lot, but it was a long, drama-filled day. (Sozlet had her friend over and they trashed her room -- I said they couldn't go to the pool [I was taking 'em] until they cleaned up, they came down and said "finished!" I said OK great I'll go check it out, they said, "uhhh.... just a minute!" and ran back upstairs, then after quite a while came back down and said "finished!" I went to check and it looked clean. Thanked 'em, went to the pool. Then that evening opened sozlet's closet to get her pj's and a mountain of stuff came tumbling out. They'd just stuffed everything in the closet. Grrr. So ultimatum was that sozlet had to clean up everything by herself or we wouldn't go to the pool the next day. She protested that it was her friend's idea, I said too bad, she went along with it. Etc. She moped and complained and took a good 6 hours to do it, but she did it.)

Anyway, digression aside, I do sometimes adjust ultimatums when I have new information or figure something out. Like, "I just realized that maybe ___ happened because of ____. Is that true?" Then talk about it and adjust.

We don't have to pretend to be infallible, 'cause we ain't.

Boomer--

Another wild guess.

Last year, he'd probably have run to you for refuge from turmoil and stress. This year he acted as though the problem belonged to him.

Granted, he didn't do much about his little nervousness and he really can't spend any major portion of his life in a bathroom stall, but he did try to handle the problem himself. Of course he's not good at handling problems. Few stressed five-year-olds are.

I repeat: You didn't do anything. Of course you suggested he take the swimming class. After all you'd made the trip to the pool to take the swimming class.

He's lost the chance for a pizza party because he wimped out and he's mad as hot mustard at himself. Therefore he yells at you. Aren't you glad you aren't raising his half-sisters as well?

Far better that you back-pedal about the backyard pool than try to handle Pool Safety with a firm hand on a hot day of turmoil. You do not want to allow any opening for Mo getting into a back yard pool without an adult lifeguard on hand.

Can you talk him into a backyard practice session? Can you have a glass of wine? Can you give Mo a glass of wine--or gin?

Hang in there.

Soz--

I love that "not my fault because...."

In your spare time you might embroider "Invictus" on a throw pillow for her.

I was noticing the part about Mo wanting to show off for you all weekend, pretending you were the swim teacher-- maybe he got kinda overwhelmed when faced with seeing Kay for real and the pressure of wanting to impress her just seemed like too much?

I just remember when I took swim lessons, it was a big deal to me to not look like a dork in front of the teacher. But that feeling also combined in a weird way with liking to need help, because she made me feel all protected-- it was a strange feeling to have this non-parental person sort of seem like some kind of guardian. Lots of mixed feelings of wanting to do well, being scared, liking the teacher taking care of me, etc.

And this is a bit of a classroom situation, which Mo isn't all that used to.. but with the parental forces on the hill... the rescue team nearby but not just right there. Interesting dynamic.

When my daughter was little we had her in swim class. It began well, but
then she started acting out before going to swim class. We tried to calm
her down, but she was just stressing out. We wound up just dropping the
class. We continued to use the pool as a family and she was OK with that.

I spent a lot of time and energy throughout that time trying to find
something -- ANYTHING -- athletic that she would do. No luck. The same
old story every time. Even to learning to ride a bike. It wasn't until she
was twelve that she started taking karate and actually stuck with it.

She's the science gal though now, right?

It does seem like swim classes figure prominently in literature as a cause of childhood stress. Makes sense.

Yep. Now she watches wee beasties swim.

Oh, poor Mo! Poor Boomer!

That must have felt so awful for him when he couldn't face it and had to go and hide his shame. And so awful for you.

I am with the "he really wanted to do well, and put too much pressure on himself and got overwhelmed" folk.

I am just thinking of how awful he felt.


What I am also thinking about is how he can repair the situation so he feels ok. I am wondering how he is likely to go next time, after such an event?

I am not sure how come he is sneaking out to his little pool? He's not banned? Or do you just want to be there if he goes in it, and he is wanting to go there by himself?


When he is calm can you talk it through with him, giving him lots of empathy for how hard it was, and how you understand how he felt? You might want to do the "I was wondering if it felt like this... because...? And how mummy hadn't realised how hard it would be for him, but you do now? And reassure him re no pressure, it's ok for him to take his time etc.?


I think you can bring the pizza thing back in with if he is brave enough to just get in the water with his class next time, that will be so great that he has earned his pizza thing back....


If he can't do it, (and you so do not want to accidentally set him up to feel bad, which is something he will be good at feeling!) then I'd understand and do some mum time with him (as you are right now, which is great).

Is there a chance of getting him some pool time with his teacher prior to class next time, or somesuch? Or can he already be in the water before his class, or is the pool all classes at that time?


Or can you rehearse together at the pool some other time to try to desensitize him to there?

Strangely enough, for us, swimming classes were for the birds too.
After lesson 9, I finally gave up, and much much later I found out that
my daughter was intimidated by the hords of kids in the pool. It was extremely loud there, and she didn't like the chlorine stench (me neither).
Since it was a kiddie swimming school they took extra precautions
to not have any bacteria in the pool, thus the extra chlorine. Frankly, I
was relieved too, when she refused to go there any longer.

A year later she perfected her swimming in summer camp and has been
a water rat ever since.

My take: don't scrutinize over it, boomerang. It's been extremely hot
the past few days, and kids get cranky just like we do. Every day is a
new day, and I would play it by ear. Does he want to go again - fine!
If not, it's okay too.

Very interesting replies. Thank you, all.

The thing is -- Mo loves to swim. We go swimming on average, two times a week, usually in a pretty crowded pool. He had a few last inhibitions to overcome. He needed to learn to get his face in the water and to hold his breath underwater.

When he was little he would get absolutely manic when you tried to wash his hair. I mean insane screaming kind of manic. We learned to go slow.

I thought swimming classes might help and truthfully it has. He no longer fears going underwater in the least. He swam like crazy all weekend and was very proud of himself. I was proud of him and told him so. He was excited.

That is why this whole deal is so puzzling.

He was sneaking out to his pool because he wants to go swimming. Rule #1 of the pool is that you never go in without permission. I did relent on the pool ban and we both swam for a couple of hours.

No problems. Just me and him. We had fun playing silly games.

When we got out he melted down again over the injustice of not being allowed another glass of chocolate milk. He got so mad he hit me - the one and only time out offense he has. His time outs work a little different from most kids and he was able to calm himself down and come out in just a few minutes.

Now everything is peaceful again.

We haven't been on this roller coaster in a long time.

This has been one of the weirdest days ever.

That sounds perfect (subsequent meltdown and all). Sounds like you got over the immediate hump -- he's still enthusiastic about water/ swimming as a concept -- and then just have to wait out the rest.

It'll happen.

Vent away meantime, if it helps.

(Er, not that the meltdown sounded perfect, but that even if there was a meltdown afterwards, sounds like that interval was exactly what the situation called for.)

I just keep replaying the day in my head.

He got up, ate breakfast, put on his swimsuit, shirt and shoes. He rode his scooter the four blocks to the park. He parked, went inside, disrobed, took a shower and then....

Everything went to hell.

His best friend is in the class right after his. Typically we go get a Slurpee for Mo and Slim and meet them back at the park where the guys play for an hour or so. None of this, not anything, held any motivation for Mo.

The boy who loves routine simply didn't care.

Didn't care.






Huh.