The story so far!
It was dark. The night was St Blaize's feastnight. The tables were groaning under the weight of the various vegetarian substitutes that tasted so dreadfull that Lazlo spat messily and ruined the carpet, attracting the attention of watching, rich and disgusted owners of the world's last great white whale who were hungry and rose as if they were one very fat drunken big Mama doing a lapdance.
The table shook as the bomb exploded which was hidden beneath the can-can in the darkened girl's stage entrance, doing a split.
In the distance there was a howling noise as something entered suddenly and stunned us. We looked for several seconds to make sure everybody was safe before there was quite a surprise as the creature approached one of the waitresses and said "Are you from round these parts or are you an Alien yourself? What does one do to get a smile from an overweight floozie like a tart from the bad side of this ugly town?"
The waitress screamed: "Aaaaaaghhh! I'm being picked out for random transportation to a desolate graveyard on another planet!"
As she said so her boyfriend made a lunge for his big trusty guitar and started riffing a calming tune, causing the alien to sway gently and release his petrified victim only seconds before the room vibrated oddly due to oildrilling. The alien roared "What's going on?" The noise was absolutely deafening to all.
Thinking quickly the boyfriend dropped his guitar and began to dance slowly but mesmerisingly towards Lazlo who pulled out all his marbles and threw a backward glance towards Caroline his sister who was under the influence of her brother and her older cousin who now told Caroline to "Party like it's one minute to midnight" then it would be tits up and grab the alien's six-legged sister who nobody had shaken hands with or even noticed until she started singing in a deep baritone surprising everyone present with her athletic super trim body and her amazing shiny velvety scales which stole the show.
"I'm called Vlegagsmloggrikennoxlifrre" she announced. "I'm from Velcron which is in the third galaxy just behind Mars. That's my home!"
Just then the room exploded into unexpected life again as Lazlo switched on all the party lights. Vleg blinked and - showing remarkable physical control - pirouetted straight towards the strangely entranced Lazlo who fell to his knees and began spouting poetry. This seemed strange from a man like him.
Suddenly there was a whoosing noise like a typhoon had hit town . A greenish yellow slime began seeping out of a bag held by Caroline which nobody had noticed because it was hidden by the large extra-terrestrial beast Caroline was holding by a lead in her other hand [which she held bunched up, claw-like].
Finally someone broke the tension by complimenting her dress sense, and Caroline blushed fiercely, dropping the lead but still straining to listen to the outburst coming from the passageway to the underground tunnel which connects the house to the secret dungeon where Lazlo would be ready to deal with any casualities in his home made bomb shelter which doubled as a sun tan salon.
"I've not got any money left, you Shrimp!" cried a woman in the passageway as everybody looked at the door expectantly. The door burst open and there, naked, stood a woman with a tatoo that displayed a heart and arrow upon her forehead. The room went quiet as she staggered towardsCaroline holding out a blood-stained fruitcake that Caroline took one look at and fainted. The whole room went even quieter, then there was pandemonium as people began to scramble for cover.
They were expecting the aliens to go ballistic after they discivered the soldiers were not toys but vicious mercenaries who had just sacked a planet, with a terrible attitude, and.they had robbed the Empress of that faraway galaxy of her most prized and delicate bag of sequins [to which she was deeply attached].
At this point I want to take abit of an editor's priveledge and call that the end of chapter one.
The need for some kind of plot was mentioned a few pages ago but I didn't remark on it because I thought it would pretty hard to enforce a plot on all the posters who may each have very different ideas about where the story is going.
So - ever so frailly - I am going to suggest - just suggest, mind - that we work on the idea that the aliens are stuck on this planet [for reasons to be worked out later] and would really prefer to go home...
It's just a suggestion 
So...if you're ready for it
the best surefire bestseller I have read this century recommences with
Chapter Two
For once the Knights Of Jedda who wore the long white robes of the Priestesses'...
