Comedy

Ladies are like Pianos - - - When they're not Upright - they're Grand!
. . . Benny Hill - 1987
............
Henpecked - A sterile husband afraid to tell his pregnant wife.

The man who does not read books has no advantage over the
man that cannot read them. ~~~~ Mark Twain

No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However
a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred
minus one day, so I never have to live without you."
-Winnie the Pooh

"I'm so far behind that I think I'm first!"

"You will continue to get what you always got,
if you continue to think like you always thought."

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
~Henny Youngman

Money is not everything...
There's Mastercard & Visa!

One should love animals...
They are so tasty!

Save water...
Shower with your girl friend!

Love thy neighbor...
But don't get caught!

Behind every successful man, there is a woman...
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two!

Every man should marry...
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Wise men never marry...
And, when they marry they become *otherwise*.

Children in backseats cause accidents...
Accidents in backseats cause children!

"Hard work never killed anybody..."
But why take the risk!

"Work fascinates me!"
I can look at it for hours!!

God made relatives...
Thank God we can choose our friends.

The more you learn, the more you know...
The more you know, the more you forget!

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
(Eleanor Roosevelt)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning
and a good ending and having the two as close together
as possible.
(George Burns)

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once
a year.
(Victor Borge)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of
a misprint.
(Mark Twain)

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty
scarce.
(Mark Twain)

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she
objects.
(Les Dawson)

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll
become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become
a philosopher.
(Socrates)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
(Groucho Marx)

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men
to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
(Charlotte Whitton)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every
now and then she stops to breathe.
(Jimmy Durante)

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with
firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
(Jilly Cooper)

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
(Zsa Zsa Gabor)

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
(Alex Levine)

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
(Mark Twain)

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people
would stop dying.
(Ed Furgol)

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you
a mor! e pleasant form of misery.
(Spike Milligan)

What's the use o f happiness? It can't buy you money.
(Henny Youngman)

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous
to offer me the position.
(Mark Twain)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.'
(Joe Namath)

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age
I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
(George Burns)

At my age flowers scare me (George Burns)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later
in life.
(Herbert Henry Asquith)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat
slowly, and lie about your age.
(Lucille Ball)

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then
it's time for my nap.
(Bob Hope)

A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the
courtesy to thank her.
(W.C. Fields)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it.
(W.C. Fields)

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is,!
I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
(George Burns)

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
(Woody Allen)

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto
him " Be fruitful and multiply". But not in those words . . . . . .
(Woody Allen)

If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign !
Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss
bank.
(Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)

Another good thing about being poor is that when you
are seventy your children will not have you declared
legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
(Woody Allen)

If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future
plans.
(Woody Allen)

Those are my principals, if you don't like them...... I
have others."
(Groucho Marx)

Some more quotes from Will Rogers:

"We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can."

"Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as the truth."

"See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?"
(Rogers to his niece on viewing the Venus de Milo)




"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done." - Andy Rooney

Two hikers in the bush came accross a hungry lion;
"run for your life" said the first taking off.
"don't be a fool" shouted the second, "you can't outrun a lion".
"no" called back the first, "but I can outrun you"!

Great...great.

Well, Bo. That is food for thought. :wink:

"Scientists have concluded, that most women, at some point, will contain intelligent DNA. Unfortunately, 95% will spit it out."

-?

Inside every older person is a younger

person -- wondering what the hell happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

The hardest years in life are

those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.

I think of them as stray eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Things are going to get a lot worse

before they get worse.

-Lily Tomlin-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

My second favorite household chore is

ironing.

My first being, hitting my head on the

top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.

A woman must do what he can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Whatever women must do they must do

twice as well as men to be thought half

as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

-Charlotte Whitton-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head

together and your body starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

I try to take one day at a time, but

sometimes several days attack me at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

If you can't be a good example, then

you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

-Catherine-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

When I was young, I was put in

school for retarded kids for two years

before they realized I actually had a

hearing loss. And they called ME slow!

-Kathy Buckley-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde

jokes because I know I'm not

dumb ... and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

When women are depressed they either eat

or go shopping.

Men invade another country.

-Elayne Boosler-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Behind every successful man is

a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man--

if you want anything done, ask a woman.


-Margaret Thatcher-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice

on how to combine marriage and a career.

-Gloria Steinem-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am a marvelous housekeeper.

Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Nobody can make you feel inferior

without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Andy Warhol
Some funny quotes from Andy Warhol:

I love Los Angeles. I love Hollywood. They're beautiful. Everybody's plastic, but I love plastic. I want to be plastic.

Dying is the most embarrassing thing that can ever happen to you, because someone's got to take care of all your details.

Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.

I'd asked around 10 or 15 people for suggestions. Finally one lady friend asked the right question, "Well, what do you love most?" That's how I started painting money.

1) Melanie Griffith
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.


2) Anonymous
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.


3) Woody Allen
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.


4) Woody Allen
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.


5) Freud
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What... does a woman want?"


6) Anonymous
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


7) Woody Allen
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.


8) Agatha Christie
An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.


9) Albert Einstein
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.


10) Melanie Clark
You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed,
but fine up
against a wall". (Eleanor Roosevelt)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. (Victor
Borge)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark
Twain)

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark
Twain)

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les
Dawson)

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
(Socrates)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
(Charlotte Whitton)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she
stops to breathe.
(Jimmy Durante)

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first.
(Mark Twain)

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
(Ed Furgol)

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.
(Spike Milligan)

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money! . (Henny Youngman)

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.
(Mark Twain)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased
to be anywhere.
(George Burns)

At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
(Herbert Henry Asquith)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie
about your age.
(Lucille Ball)

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for
my nap.
(Bob Hope)

A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
(W.C. Fields)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
(W.C. Fields)

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't
remember if
it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
(George Burns)

I'm such a good lover because I! practice a lot on my own. (Woody Allen)

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are eighty your
children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain
control of your estate.
(Woody Allen)

If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans. (Woody Allen)

Those are my principals. If you don't like them, I have others."
(Groucho Marx)

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that
statement. (Mark Twain)

A man and his woman were having an ugly fight. He said "I'm leaving! I'm gonna find some new p---y!"
She retorted calmy "If you had two more inches of d---, you'd find some new p---y here."
(Richard Pryor)

eoe, ROFLMAO!!!! Great one!!!

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home and found us in bed together.

Because I'm Jewish, a lot of people ask why I killed Christ. What can I say? It was one of those parties that got out of hand. I killed him because he wouldn't become a doctor.
Lenny Bruce

Oh Gawd ................

Alcohol....the cause and solution to all life's problems.
-Homer Simpson

Fishing isn't a sport, fishing is what you do to hide a drinking problem.
-Unknown

A Canadian woman was harrasing me and kept asking 'what do Americans think of Canada, you can tell me the truth' so I said 'Uh, we don't. Until we run out of natural resources, you guys are pretty much safe.'
-Jon Stewart

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
-Chris Rock

Robert Benchley
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous.


Oscar Levant
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.


Paul Merton
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?


Homer Simpson
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.


Jean Kerr
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?


Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?


Partick Moore
At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual.


Groucho Marx
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.


Ellen DeGeners
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.


Elayne Boosler
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Oscar Wilde
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

George Bernard Shaw
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

George Burns
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Woody Allen
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Jean Kerr
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

Marty Feldman
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Dave Edison
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Steve Martin
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Jerry Seinfeld
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Winston Churchill
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

Marion Barry, Mayor
If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

Oscar Wilde
As yet, Bernard Shaw hasn't become prominent enough to have any enemies, but none of his friends like him.

Robin Williams
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

David Letterman
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Rita Mae Brown
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

Groucho Marx
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Charlie Brown
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Will Rogers
The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.