Comedy

'Reality is a

crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.'

~ Lily Tomlin

'The way to fight a woman is with your hat.

Grab it and run.'

~ John Barrymore

'The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether

you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.'

~ P. G. Wodehouse

'There is a fine

line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.'

~ Steven Wright

'Giving birth is

like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.'

~ Carole Burnett

'Life is like an ice-cream

cone.....you have to lick it one day at a time.'

~ Charlie Brown

'When late morning rolls around and you're

feeling a bit out of sorts, don't worry, you're probably just a little eleven o'clockish.'

~ Winnie the

Pooh

'The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some

pretty annoying virtues.'

~ Elizabeth Taylor

'When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one

I've never tried before.'

~ Mae West

" I would never

join a club which would have me as a member"~ Groucho Marx

'I once wanted to

become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.'

~ Henny Youngman

'Women and cats do

as they damned well please, and men and dogs had best learn to live with it.'

~ Alan Holbrook

'Time's fun when you're having flies.'

~ Kermit the Frog

'Do not try to solve all life's problems at once ~ learn to dread each day as it comes.'

~ Donald Kaul

'We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged all the furniture.'

~ Robin Williams

'It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.'

~ Joan Rivers

'Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's a pretty good one.'

~ Woody Allen

'I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wear helmets.'

~ David Edison

'Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?'

~ Steven Wright

'It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail.'

~ Gore Vidal

'If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?'

~ Linda Ellerbee

'When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why God? Why me?", and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."'

~ Stephen King

'I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.'

~ Rita Rudner

'When you were quite a little boy, somebody ought to have said "hush" just once.'

~ Mrs. Patrick Campbell, to George Bernard Shaw

'If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.'

~ Katherine Hepburn (attagirl Kate! )

'We're not lost. We're locationally challenged.'

~ John M. Ford

'The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clear enough.'

~ Bill Maher

'In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.'

'I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.'

~ Unknown (thankfully so)

'Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.'

~ Fran Leibowitz

An inferiority complex would be a blessing if only the right people had it.
~Alan Reed

The secret in life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
~ Groucho Marx