Birth order - helping the oldest child feel valued

Offer her lots of praise for the things she does right. Keep your criticizing to a minimum. And LISTEN! I'm sure others will have greater parenting advice than me.

Sounds like a classic case. Carve out a few minutes each day to focus ONLY on her. Easier said than done, I know, but she's obviously feeling unloved and neglected and all you can do at this point is assure her through your words AND actions that she is just as important as the other girls, if not moreso because you rely on her to help with the younger ones.

Whatever you do, don't buy her things to make up for it because it won't work.

Bfrgprncess--

Welcome to A2K.

Congratulations for realizing that you may be part of the problem. Obviously it would be "easier" to shove all the responsibility for a deteriorating mother/daughter relationship on your kid. "Easier" doesn't mean either "Fair" or "Successful".

Further, a whiny, bitchy kid is not a loveable kid--but the whiny, bitchy ones are at a stage when they need extra love and understanding.

Have you and your daughter always had a tempestuous relationship?
Has she always complained about being neglected?

Four children means you have a lot of mothering work every day. Obviously there is a big difference in maturity between the seven-year-old and your ten-year old. Is there a big difference in their chores? Their privileges? Do they fight frequently? How does she get along with the little ones?

Does she accuse you of playing favorites?

Do you work outside the home? How do your daughter and her father get along?

Is your daughter showing signs of physical maturity? (Emotional maturity, of course, is not a manifestation of early puberty.)

Does your daughter have adult friends she can talk to?

Does she remind you of one of your brothers or sisters? Does she remind you of yourself?

The more information we have, the more helpful we can be.

Hang in there.