Stay At Home Mom's

Wswesey--

Welcome to A2K.

A big difference between a Drama on the Silver Screen--or the television screen or even in a book or magazine--and Real Life is that Real Life comes with a dreadful plentitude of nitty-gritty detail and there are no commercials to give the actors (or the audience) time off.

Furthermore, every single character considers himself/herself the Star of the entire production.

According to your account your mother has some serious flaws. She's not the sort of person who does well under unglamorous stress. She's selfish. She's tired of motherhood and can't wait to quit. (Believe me, all mothers have moments of being tired of motherhood).

You are coping with college and cancer and pre-wedding chaos. Your mother seems to be a source of stress rather than a source of support.

Unfortunately, the loan is in your name--you signed the papers. You are an adult. You are responsible for the loan. You cannot control your mother's finances or your mother's world view or your mother's bitter spirit.

Whatever happened between your parents in the past is beyond your control in the present. Her past behavior does not mean that you are entitled to dictate her behavior in the present.

She can dictate your behavior--or try to dictate your behavior-- as long as she holds the purse strings.

In your other post you indicated that she wanted you to move your wedding date forward so that she could move. Is it possible for the two of you to sit down and have a rational discussion and come to a compromise about loan payments, wedding dates and mother-daughter obligations?

Vent here--you need to shed poisonous emotion so that you can talk and act calmly. Stress plays hell on your immune system. Surviving cancer requires rationality.

Thanks for the reply Noddy. The loan is in my name, you are right I am an adult and its my responsibility. The thing is I just want to know when and if she plans to pay it because if she doesn't I can start making payments on it. The thing with my Mom is when I say that she says she will pay for it and stop saying stuff like that. Then five seconds later telling me to sell my car to pay for the loan, and she doesn't care how I get home from college if I ever even come home.

Her behavior in the past, as far as I'm concerned is in the past besides the effect it has had on my life. The thing is she brought up that her parents didn't pay for her college, and thats where the fact that she was right, but my Dad did pay for it came in, and how she deserved that money. I replied back saying I didn't think she deserved it (I left out that the reason I don't think she deserved it was because of the affair, I knew it would just make things worse) So she sent me an e-mail last night (we live in the same house but sent an e-mail) "gee, what was it you said about me not "entitled"to anything? Seems to me, I have some money coming my way. I've never counted pennies, but you've put me in that position. Hope you never have to do the same with your
husband or children, by the way, never say never.... life can deal you some cruel blows, ......" I can't tell if she is wishing bad things on me or not lol. The e-mail goes on to say stay at home moms should make like $131,000 a year if they got paid. I ddon't disagree, but considering I the circumstances with her, I do in her case disagree. I will keep that to myself though.

I don't need to move my wedding date up so that she can move. My dad lives in the same area and he would be more than happy to have me move in until I got married, cuz i don't want to live with my fiancee before marriage. Also I could just move in with friends up at school in their apartments, it is not like I NEED to live with her or anything.

As far as sitting down and having a rational discussion, it is Father's day and she has stayed in her room all day so far. She will not discuss anything unless I come with an apology, and even then she will refuse to do anything but say woe is me, and how she doesn't have the time to deal with this stuff, she has enough going on. I can barely get her to look at places for a wedding, but yet she insists on going to look at everything with me. I am ready to elope at this point.

I am so intensely frustrated with her. I have no idea what to do. Is it awful that I dream of the day where I don't have to talk to her if I don't want to? I still have to talk to her because of college, my parents put away 40 grand for me to go to school when I was little and in order to receive it I have to be in good standing with both of them. Let me tell you how bad that sucks.

I want to SCREAMMMM!!!!!!

Wswesey--

If you're going to postpone rational discussion until your mother grows up, you may have a long wait.

It seems like it might have been better to keep your judgment of her to yourself. If the issue is just the loan, all you needed to do was take the mail from her and say, "I'll take care of it.". You have two options with those loans (unsubsidized Stafford, I'm assuming). You can pay the interest as it accrues, which is something like $14-35 a month depending on how big the loan is, or you can roll the interest into the loan. The second option costs you more in the long run, but the payments are deferred until 6 months after graduation.

As to your issues with your mother and the way she raised you and her relationship with your father, you should address those before you get married. Trust me when I say that the harder we run away from being like our mothers the more we become like them. You two don't have to get along, but if I were you, I'd see a therapist or find a good friend to talk to so that I could pick all this apart and let it go before beginning a new life full of all the same mistakes she made.

I'm sorry, but there are too many issues involved here. Pick one, and we can discuss it.