How Long Does It Take?

But that is just ONE memory of him. Right? Talk to other people who knew him well. They will give you new ways to remember him, I guarantee it.

I know all about heartbreaking. The only thing you can do is slowly supplant those memories with others.

That's what I'm trying to do, eva. Patience is a virtue that I have little of.

Like you view your mother's passing, I see the way my father died, overall, in a positive light also. He was never in any pain. His heart just slowed down until it stopped, more or less. He stayed in his apartment, and in his office, until those last three days. His oldest son, who was in business with him, was there with him every single day. His friends would stop by and hang out with him, he chatted on the phone, I called him (long distance) every day, and other than not being able to just get up and go like before, he was good. Physically. I'm sure, mentally and emotionally, it was another ballgame and being in that nursing home was the end for him but, the lack of pain was a blessing.

Miller, I'd read a bit on her new book but now it looks like I may have to actually purchase it. Sounds like it would be therapeutic, and a fine read to boot.

never.
But your reaction to them gets less intense.

Sadly that goes both ways. For the good memories and the bad.
They just lose their sharp power in your chest.
It goes from a physical sickness when you remember them, sort of like the feeling you get immediatly after you learn they have died,
to a dull constant throb. Nothing stops it . Not even alcohol

to .. just next to nothing.
You have to work at bringing up the memories so you can FEEL the happiness, the excitement, and even the pain.

it is a slow gradual process.
Im working on 10 years for one person. And that is about where I am right now.

I can remember her, but.. i truly dont feel much. Even when I concentrate. I dont want it that way, but ... that is how it has worked itself .

Im lucky if I get a small fleeting pain.. or smile..
but nothing is intense anymore.
it is best described as fleeting..
for me.

( hug )

At first, I didn't think I'd like it. But after first couple of pages, I realized that
Didion had some very valuable material to share with the rest of us. It's book that we'll be able to read over and over again.

I'll check it out.

Feeling much better today. Just talking about it has helped a great deal. I'd been carrying it around for months and months, years, and never spoke about it, not to my husband or even my brother, who has experienced the same losses. You figure that everyone goes through this, experiencing the passing of loved ones, so talking about your feelings and emotions seem somewhat self-involved (could your feelings be so different?). Maybe not. I don't know.

shewolfn, are you speaking about your mother or someone else that was in your life from the very beginning?

eoe, I sympathize. I can have a really tough time speaking about my feelings about ones who have passed. I mean: I can freely share stories, joke, talk about them....but when it comes to opening up the raw emotion...I'm still learning. I'm still learning it is okay to cry in front of others who are grieving, and it's okay to cry years and years later too - without shame.

I hope you don't mind me posting some of my stuff here. This time of year, is always a little prone to a funk. Canada day is drawing near, the night my dad passed away so many years ago now. still, the feeling of that night when all the fireworks go off, people are celebrating. Right now I remember that sweet time of blissful ignorance we were all in, before his death suddenly came. It was like our lives exploded. His death was violent and shocking; and i have so many old bad memories that have stuck.

I don't think it ever goes away. With years though, the 'night' and all the painful memories are less severe and important. There's a frame of reference now. I felt without one before. The picture didn't go together, it was fragmented. Now, it is that weighed down sweep of sadness, that reality check of how much i always miss him. it's a time to sit with it completely, i guess.
It reminds me to keep loving, cause time is short. too short.

Thanks for sharing flushd. Don't mind you posting your stuff here at all. These things are difficult to talk about with others. That's why I started the thread.

I saw a great quote on loss from, of all people, Keanu Reeves, who said, "Grief changes shape but never really goes away."

I think it was Keanu Reeves who lost his pregnant girlfriend in an accident some years ago, wasn't it?

Yep, the interview (in Parade) was about that and a bunch of other things.

It may never go away, but it should decrease in intensity with time. If it doesn't, one should be talking to a physician.

It can be a very slow process. Grief ebbs and flows. And additional trauma can attach itself to it. Very tricky. You can have all of the answers and know all of the ends and outs and still get caught.

Puny humans...

I've been just reading along as this isn't something I know a lot about. Something that occurred to me was reinforced by flushd's post -- that the manner of death can have a lot to do with how it is processed. A death is a death, but a "good" death can leave a clearer path than one that is "bad" in some way. And it sounds like the deaths you've had to deal with, eoe, were especially difficult in several ways.

Another thing I was thinking of, this time from observation of my mom and her reaction to her mom's death, is that those who feel like they had some sort of responsibility -- if only to be the relative's advocate, make sure they got the best care, etc. -- can have a much harder time processing than other people outside of that loop.

Glad that talking about it is helping, eoe, take care.

Talking about it definitely helps.

I'll never lose the aching sorrow of my son's death, but I've learned to carry it gracefully.

Noddy...I didn't know. That's got to be the hardest death of all to endure. When my brother died, the one thing I was grateful for was that our mother was not here to suffer through it with us. I'm so sorry.

Death will meet us all.
Think of what the departed love ones would expect of you. They would be saddened to see you sad. I hope when I go there are no tears shed. I have had my turn at life and what more can one ask. I fought back tears at my mothers funeral because I knew that she would not want anyone to miss her but to remember her with joy. I sincerely hope that you can move on. Never underestimate the power of self talk. You can guide your reactions and feeling by a positive statement of the "good" things. This requires disipline and it is not easy but for me it really works. I asked myself many times.."now would your mother be happy seeing you down.." the answer was of course she would not..somehow that helped me more than anything else.
yours sincerely alex