Post-Teen Curfew Policies

The simple fact of the matter is that if you prefer to avail yourself of the food, shelter, and ammenities which come with the roof under which you choose to live, you should be expected to abide by, not dictate, the rules which provide the structure by which that you enjoy is granted to you by the owner(s) of that roof. Want different rules? Easy - get youself under a different roof. Want your own rules? Just as easy - get your own roof.

When I was staying at home - that was during school, in those good old days, young people left home as soon as possible - I had to be home at certain times (11/midnight/one - depending on what was going on).

I noticed that my parents didn't really get the time and even my grandma got it wrong.

So, I always returned "short after half past".

Since that can't be done with text messages etc - timber gave a very good advice. :wink:

Although its harsh, what you say its right Timber, and its the statement that ends all discussion.

Hopefully I could negotiate something... that HAS been my curfew for the last 2 years BTW...

It would be interesting to see how other families cover the issue!

Sure it's the statement that ends all discussions. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good thing.

I'm in my mid-40s and have a young teen son. I will never say "if you don't like the rules of the house, get your own place to live." When I want him to move out on his own, I'll sit him down and have a discussion. I won't play games with rules just to make him go. That's my point. Parents aren't doing this because they're trying to push their kids out the door. They just say it because they think it will end the discussion. Unfortunately, all too often, the end of the discussion means the child moves out before being ready. This isn't the goal of the parents usually. If they wanted a kid to move out, they'd just say "It's time to move out."

I was in your situation. My parents always said, "While you're living under our roof, you live by our rules." I was in my second year of college with excellent grades and my parents wouldn't let me go out on school nights! I was 21 years old! My boyfriend said, "You don't have to put up with that." So I moved out of my parent's house and in with my boyfriend. Coming from a Catholic family, this made my mother very sad. So two months later, I married him--thinking that would make mother happy. Wrong!

My mother didn't want me to get married. My mother didn't want me to leave home before I was ready. But stupid me, I moved out before I was ready, married Mr. Wrong, and my education was in limbo for 10 years before I returned to college to finish my degree. I hope you know the liklihood of your parents paying for your education is much lower if you move out of the house! Unless of course, you could possibly avoid this if you transferred to another university where you HAD to live on campus. THEN they might agree to pay for college AND let you leave.

I do recommend trying to negotiate with them. Don't wait until you screw up though. Do it when you're in perfect standing with them. And don't do it right before you're going out at night. I'd wait until Sunday supper after I'd spent most of the weekend at home hanging out with them. Then they wouldn't be thinking about what you do while you're out. They'll be more thinking about how nice it is to have you around the house when you bring up the subject.

Oh and don't forget to do more chores than usual before you bring up the subject. That would make having you around the house even more beneficial to them. You might even offer to do additional chores to earn a few extra hours per week onto your curfew. Not for each night, but say an additional 3 hours to tack on whichever night you choose. It's something to consider when you think of your negotiating tactics.

I highly recommend that you don't move out unless you know they will support your education until you're finished. It's not easy to keep up grades while you're trying to work to pay for a roof over your head though.

In all seriousness, your parent's curfew rules don't sound overly harsh when you consider that I WASN'T ALLOWED OUT ON SCHOOL NIGHTS AT ALL. Perhaps that will help give you some perspective!

Keep us posted. I'm interested in hearing how it goes. I have a 14 year old. I'm hoping I can manage to keep him out of trouble but not drive him away like my parents drove me away (temporarily of course, we always come back to our families with understanding, appreciation, and love.)

Good luck!

The rule seems harsh for someone your age, and in your position, el_pohl, but. . . well, what timber said.

I agree with Timber. There is an old expression, "The man who pays the piper calls the tune."

Sure, your parents may be neurotic, and overly concerned about you. They may still sit up and worry as the clock keeps ticking, and they really don't need the aggravation. They may also not be able to deal with the fact that you are a grown up. But are you? If you are still accepting their room and board, you are still living as a child in their home.

Wisteria Lane - It sounds like you are blaming your parents for your bad decision. There WERE other options.....................suck it in and abide by the rules, or go out and get some roommates.

My suggestion is to attempt ot negotiate with your parents. If they insist though, you still have a choice. You don't HAVE to live in their home. You may have to quit school for awhile to take a job to support your own apartment, but then again, it is a matter of priorities.

Phoenix~

I don't appreciate your twisting my words.

Can't you read?!?!?! I clearly said 'STUPID ME'!

The overall theme of my post was to warn el_pohl to not make the mistake I made!

I thought it was important to speak up, share my experience, to prevent another stupid move on someone's part. Just saying "get your own roof if you dont' want to live under their roof" is a huge risk. I'm not the only person who has made the mistake of moving out too quickly. At least I can recognize my faults.

I gave more sound advice than you. I too recommended he negotiate with his parents. I said to not move until he could to it in a responsible manner. And to live by his parent's rules until he could move! You just said, "If you can't negotiate with them, then leave." And your suggesting someone quit school is completely irresponsible!

Ah, this brings back memories.
I lived at home during my university years, and didn't have a car - living at home, lack of auto payments, and the fact that my university at that time charged no tuition made it possible for me to have a college education.

I chafed under the rules, which were not so clear cut as yours, el Pohl. I had worked half time to full time since I was sixteen, using the money to pay some rent to my parents, pay for bus and food at school and with friends, and to pay for textbooks, even back then a huge expense.

I still remember the night I called home to say I'd be late. Two friends and I went to the movies, and I drove for a change. Turned out we all chose a different theater and the movies got out later, say, an hour later. My mother insisted I bring the car home. I was horrified, but I did, my friends reasonably staying the length of the movie(s( and having one of their parents pick them up. I was probably nineteen or twenty at the time. My friends were beyond irritated, and I felt entirely crumby.

Years later I have the opposite misgivings that Wisteria Lane expressed, since I did the opposite thing at the time, being obedient. I think now, what was I thinking? That was totally unreasonable of my mother. She knew we were going to the movies in the first place (they often ran two films back then, and there were and still are many dozens of theaters in my old home town area). I was raised to be very obedient, never to "sass", and questioning/discussing tended to come unter the heading of "sassing".

I think I asked about this in confession, me still being a practicing Catholic back then, and was told the same as you all have been saying, that as long as I lived under their roof I must be obedient.

In retrospect, I feel now that I was held in a childlike state by both my parents and myself for an extended time. I may to this day get a particular extra bit of pleasure out of making my own decisions as a result of the combination of tight reins I felt held by and my resentment toward them.

I don't think blame is really the thing here - my parents were acting out of their cultural and religious background, in general, and on the event with the movies and the car, it was their car, their house, their house rules - and that my discomfort was also reasonable.

Today, if I was learning to be me all over again, I'd repeat that I'd be home after dropping my friends off after the movies, would have done that, and then come home and faced the anger, trying to have a thorough discussion about it.

I wish that as I grew up my parents and I had been more able to really discuss many different things.. instead of being cast in such rigid roles. Control becomes an issue for both the parents and child who is newly adult - tricky terrain.

Can't seem to edit my post, so I'll add that my parents knew we were going to the movies in the first place, probably from a phone call a few hours earlier, and had been ok with that timing.


Interesting how I remember this stuff a near half century later.

Wisteria Lane- Possibly, but not necessarily. I have known a few people who felt infantilized by having to live with parents. They quit school, got a job, and took an apartment, where they could live like adults. Later on, they finished school in the evening.

It all has to do with how controlling the parents are, and how it affects the person involved. Life is a series of tradeoffs. For some young people, having to answer to mommy and daddy is aversive. Some people take it in their stride. I was simply pointing out some of the options.

I have known quite a many controlling parents. My husband's father was one of them. Those parents always sounded proud of how obedient their kids were. It was a thing of those times. Children were meant to be seen and not heard. Not being heard also included not talking back. I grew up hearing this popular phrase "Spare the rod, spoil the child".

Now people complain about controlling kids. There was another thread which said "parents bringing up a spoilt generation".

My parents were very reasonable in my opinion. They had many rules. Discussion was welcome but rule was never bent They did a good job of explaining why they had the rule in the first place. most of the rules were OK with me except one. My parents were very critical and had opinions about the friends I made. They had an especially bad opinion about one of my friends and my mom once told me she was not welcome in our house and that I should leave her friendship.

el_pohl.. 2:00 AM.. you are way more lucky by my standards For me it was 7:00 PM. Just because your friend's parents are cool with late nights, your parents should also be.. does not sound very right to me. Just ask your friends and find out if their parents also care to have breakfast and lunch together like your parents do. As long as you are staying with family better obey the rules. I'd listen to them not because they pay for school or pay the bills but because it's family requirement.. requirement for living together.

Oh by the way.. I rebel a lot more now than when I was staying with them. Staying away did not help me.. seems like

Ah, dont worry about that. I won't be leaving home, unless it involves studying outside Mexico.

How old are you LoveMyFamily? Cause your curfew s*cked!!! - With all due respect -.

Umm.. its probably a thing about generations. Probably I'll get revenge with my kids... IF I have.

Have to agree with the others...you're only 20, you're getting room and board and an education. Deal with it.

This sound really old fashioned but....What's going on after 2am on a weekend that means that much that it's worth staying out that late? Is that when they start handing out the free Rolex's?

Go home and go to bed.

Well, its tough to explain. But after working all week and studying, the night is a brief opportunity to "relax" and enjoy a social nightlife. But sure, specially here in TJ, its not very safe...

Saying this in jest el_pohl.....after working all week, and running the Tea Empire, the night is a brief opportunity for me to sleep. :wink:

lovesmyfamily! 7PM!!!!!?????
That's when we finished eating dinner!

If I may ask, was this in a rural area?

What were you able to go do between dinner and 7PM?

Did they start handing out the Rolex's at 7:15 or something?


It's been so long ago, but I seem to remember after turning 18 but before moving out of state to college when I was 20 or 21, I usually got home around 1-ish, maybe 2 sometimes....

When I came home over holiday break, it was the same thing...If I was out until 2, it was because we decided to go out to eat after the clubs.

I don't remember their being a specific curfew, I guess I just wanted to go home by then.

el_pohl.. that's why I said you are way lucky by my standards Yes, the curfew if you think about it sucked real time. I am 31 now. It is not that long back also.

Chai.. no it was not rural but it was not city either. It was a small township built around a manufacturing plant where my dad worked - a very small community I would say. we used to have late dinner like around 9:00 or sometimes later. Dinner depended on when we were finished with studies. My parents waited until we were through with studies or school work. So it was playtime until 7:00 (max) and studies after, until dinner. There was not much fun going around in our community after 7:00 anyways for me to miss it well, summer vacation was a different story though but in anycase, no later than 9.

There was a lot of emphasis on studies and career at my home. Mainly because of the financial hardship my parents endured and did not want us to endure the same. It turned out in my favour though if I look back at it. I went through school with good grades consistently all the way uptil my masters which I finished by the time I was 22. I was able to choose a career and settle into it by the time I was 24. My career suited me and pays well to afford a good life for my family.

I meditate on the fact that we will teach the way we where taught. Doesn't sound cool for our future children...

LoveMyFamily's story is fairly typical of an Indian family. My story is quite similar except that my parents did not stress on career.

I had an 8 PM curfew too. But I am in Bangalore, and since there were many opportunities for fun past 8 PM...I often broke the curfew.

But in India (and though bangalore is one of the safer towns)...things aren't *always* so safe after 8 PM. As college students, we usually have scooters and not cars. There have beeen some evenings when I have been really scared - inspite of having a guy drop me home or a friend accompany me.

This I don't agree with. May be sometimes.. but not when you have an open mind and know that things are bound to change with changing times. Already my son does things that I could not dream of in my times. Times are changing. Parenting style is also changing.

Good to know sakhi.. I was thinking I was the only crazy one around