Telling Children About Divorce

Forums: Parenting And Childcare
Email this Topic • Print this Page

I know there are some books to read on this, and I will, but I would love to hear your advice/stories about telling children about separation or divorce.

Background: two under-school-aged children; we will do bird-nesting for the short-to-medium-term future, which will begin next week (as we rotate in and out of a so-far completely unfurnished apartment). The notion is to do a two-day rotation, so MT he's with the kids; WTh I am; FS he is; SM I am; etc., in order to minimize the time the children don't see a parent.

So, in this instance, we are not talking about a parent moving out or away; or just weekend visits; or the children having 2 homes. One child is in kindergarten next year; the other is 2. Advice, thoughts, considerations?

Topic Stats
Top Replies
Link to this Topic

Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 688 • Replies: 8

No top replies

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, mg.

Just be sure you tell the children (again and again) that both you and Daddy love them and always will, and that your decision to live apart has nothing AT ALL to do with them...you just knew that it would be better for everyone this way.

It's amazing how children tend to blame themselves for a divorce, even years later.

If possible, try to form an amicable parenting partnership so you can spend some holidays together...school events...things like that. Those are tough for children of divorce.

0 Replies

I'm sorry too, but I think your idea of letting the kids have a home while the parents take turns staying at the house is a good one. I'm not sure how you came up with two-day rotations but if that works best for you, then that's what works best (seems like a lot of constant transitions).

As long as you both are able to let the kids know that you are there for them and that you both love them then I think they will be better off than having a single custodial parent or shared custody with them bouncing from house to house.

Good luck and best wishes, mystery girl.

0 Replies

Eva wrote:

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, mg.

Just be sure you tell the children (again and again) that both you and Daddy love them and always will, and that your decision to live apart has nothing AT ALL to do with them...you just knew that it would be better for everyone this way.

It's amazing how children tend to blame themselves for a divorce, even years later.

If possible, try to form an amicable parenting partnership so you can spend some holidays together...school events...things like that. Those are tough for children of divorce.

Eva, thanks for your words. I got so sad this evening. My ex- is out tonight (we aren't yet set up in the apt) and as I was getting the children outof the car to go inside, my oldest asked where daddy was. I said he's out for the night, and she said, "oh, good! That way I get to spend more time with you. I get sad when you are out, but if daddy's out, I get to spend all night with you and I love you." Silly thing has always been a mama's girl, but what made me sad was thinking about her missing me on the nights when I am not there. I started to set the stage a little - though she's already used to seeing us adults not really overlap in the house much - by saying "sometimes daddy with be with you, and sometimes mommy will, but we'll always be thinking of you and loving you no matter where we are." Just trying to plant and water that seed. It will be difficult to have the conversation in a way that doesn't freak her out. It's a tough age - she's inthe throes of nightmares and fears, and being alone is a huge one for her.

I am hoping, hoping, hoping we will be amicable and work well together. He's not taking the divorce well at all right now, and I'm hopeful that finally living apart permanently will keep the wound from constantly being reopened. In my view, the children can be fine after a divorce IF the parents behave and do everything they can to make it so.

0 Replies

J_B wrote:

I'm sorry too, but I think your idea of letting the kids have a home while the parents take turns staying at the house is a good one. I'm not sure how you came up with two-day rotations but if that works best for you, then that's what works best (seems like a lot of constant transitions).

As long as you both are able to let the kids know that you are there for them and that you both love them then I think they will be better off than having a single custodial parent or shared custody with them bouncing from house to house.

Good luck and best wishes, mystery girl.

Thanks to you, too, J_B. Two days seemed like the maximum okay time for the 2 year old, especially (but really, both) not to see a parent. We may find that is too jumbled or disruptive, but I do know that very short periods are considered most ideal for very young ones. Though you make a good point about transitions. I'm hoping that having them in the house all the time will make the transitions seem less like big changes.

0 Replies

As with most Grand and Potentially Good Schemes, the devil is in the details.

I can see housework--particularly undone housework--becoming a major problem. Problems can be solved--with good will and elbow grease.

What about grocery shopping? Clothing? Toys?

Most people after a divorce take a financial battering from maintaining two houses. Will you and your children's father be maintaining two or three domiciles?

You and your Ex are going to have to communicate intensively about the kids every two days. They are too young to carry messages.

Make plans in advance to deal with Home-School communication. Also, talk to the kindergarten teacher and school staff ahead of time. Be absolutely sure the parent responsible for meeting the bus can meet the bus.

Good luck.

0 Replies

Noddy24 wrote:

As with most Grand and Potentially Good Schemes, the devil is in the details.

I can see housework--particularly undone housework--becoming a major problem. Problems can be solved--with good will and elbow grease.

What about grocery shopping? Clothing? Toys?

Most people after a divorce take a financial battering from maintaining two houses. Will you and your children's father be maintaining two or three domiciles?

You and your Ex are going to have to communicate intensively about the kids every two days. They are too young to carry messages.

Make plans in advance to deal with Home-School communication. Also, talk to the kindergarten teacher and school staff ahead of time. Be absolutely sure the parent responsible for meeting the bus can meet the bus.

Good luck.

Noddy, you said a mouthful there. All true. I actually think that we will do a good communication job re the kids (and would never ask them to carry messages), though everything else - who knows. He's bitter. Everythign is local, we're in frequent communication in general. Good specifics, though. Hadn't thought about groceries, for example, sort of assuming we'd continue to split duties as we do generally. But compressing that work into 3-4 days in a week vs. 7 - it will be interesting.

Oh, and at the moment it will be 2 residences; we'll be alternating into a 2br apt. Yes, I know; potential recipe for disaster. Shocked

0 Replies

I dunno, sounds short term to me. But I see your point in arranging the denouement this way. Good luck.

0 Replies

Mystery Girl--

By messages, I don't mean "Daddy is an SOB." I mean, "She needs an empty cereal box for kindergarten on Friday. Mrs. Soandso, downstairs, is upset about the Big Wheels in the hall. Both kids are a little cranky and may be coming down with something. Garbage pickup has been changed to Thursdays...."

0 Replies

Telling Children About Divorce

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know