Teen Boy Behaviors

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I have a 16 year old boy who I usually get along with really well. He is very open about topics with me, including sex. The trouble I am having is that when I set limits/rules, he more often than not, blows me off.
Example, I had to leave for work (with my husband) so I told him to be home at 5:15. He wasn't & I had to leave. He did not have his key. He ended up breaking the bathroom window to get in. I took away his cell phone and will not take him out for practice drives.
The other thing he does is go to his friend's house on a Friday and comes home on Sunday! I have stated several times this is not acceptable. I have spoken with the mom of the family. She is very nice & the family loves my son. They have 4 boys so my son loves being around them. My other child is a 19 y.o. girl. When he is around a certain friend, he turns mean and nasty. Told me to shut up one night when I asked him why he didn't let the dog out instead of making his friend do it. I am at wits end. I just hate this age.

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So, you spoke with the mother in the other family and ... what? Does she not get it that this is a minor? At minimum -- and I mean minimum -- she has to insist that your son call if he's going to spend the weekend there. Better yet, she should not allow him to stay if there is no permission. But it seems that that step is not being taken. And so there is a disconnect.

What about grounding? As in not just taking away a cel phone, but also taking away his social life for a few days or a week or whatever? If your son is not coming home until 5:15 PM, then what is he doing between the end of school and then? Sports or other afterschool activities? Hanging around with friends? Or is it something you don't know about?

You don't need to keep a dog collar and leash on him, but you should know where he is at all times, and what he's doing. Surely a child with a cel phone can figure out how to dial his mother and tell her if he's not coming home for the weekend, or if he forgot his keys and can't get into the house.

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The other thing he does is go to his friend's house on a Friday and comes home on Sunday!

why is this a problem? Is it because YOU decided this action was not acceptable. If the other family is nice and will supervise your son willingly then all you need to do is accept that.

You need to accept his desire to be an independant person.

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Sorry, dadpad, but she's the Mom. She doesn't have to accept another family finishing the job she started as a parent.

Does he have a part time job? Maybe he needs one so he can pay for the window. If he wants to be independent, have a cell phone, ignore the house rules, maybe a little less free time and a little more money is what he needs.

The key to parenting at any age is to find the one biggest motivator for each particular child. If his cell phone isn't that important to him, taking it away won't change his behavior.

Also, positive reinforcement works best. Take lots of time rewarding him (praise, added allowance, whatever motivates him) when he does come home on time, thinks to call rather than break a window, etc. Can't be gushy about it at this age, but a "Hey, you're home on time. Thanks, I really appreciate that. You know I just can't sleep when I'm worrying about you. So, thank you."

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Dont be sorry squinney, I value all opinions.

I agree with the positive reinforcement thing.

Ignore the negetives and praise the positives. good whole of life philosophy that is.

he needs to know the "why" of things.

Why cant I spend the weekend at a friends house. what is really wrong with that.

Why do i need to call you if I'm going to be late. (cause I worry about you ok so just humour me).

A job after school/on the weekend is a good idea. exposes him to more than just mums rules/opinions ideas.

Even the mean and nasty business tells me he's asserting his independance, hes just going about it in a wrong manner.

I dont know if it would suit this young man but an international student exchange might be a thought.
Rotary, AFS, or other private exchange organisations.

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He's 16. It's normal. Like dadpad said, he's testing the water, seeing how far he can swim away from mom without drowning or getting yanked back.

While I agree that some freedom is good, he also needs to respect his mother. Staying at a friends house all weekend on occasion is ok. Doing it without permission all the time and not calling mom to check in is not something a 16 year old should be doing. There is far to much trouble to get into at that age.

A friend of mine's mother went thought this exact thing. And finally, she just said screw it. Literally. Said if you can't live under my rules, you will not live under my roof. Now, what her son was doing is drastically different from what your son is doing, as he was into a lot worse things. But the point is that sometimes, they just have to taste their own medicine. He broke the window and so now he has to get a job to pay for it. He has no idea what the "real world" is like and if he gets a taste of it, perhaps he'll see how good he has it. Another thing she did was take her boys to a detention center to show them just how good they actually had it at home.

Where is your husband in all this? Doesn't he have any control of this kid?

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Parent of 16 y.o.
First I want to thank you all for your input. Everything helps. The good thing is that he is a football player and weight trains after school. That's why he gets home late. He played for varsity as a freshman (occasional plays, the full time as a sophomore) so he has that going for him. We have talked about him getting a job but football takes up 6 months of his life and truly, when pretraining, and the games start, there is no time for a job. (He did do some part time work for his friend's father). There is no problem with him going to his friend's house on the W/E, but it started to be every weekend. Half of me feel that it is a good environment for him, but the other half says 'hey, what about YOUR home?' He has a 3.3 GPA. The down side is his "father" kicked him out of his life when he was 13. Long story there, but he's never seen him since. My son got into some legal trouble b/c using his anger in the wrong way. My husband and I agreed long ago that he would not step in as the 'father'. We have house rules and my husband and son do get along, it just could never be in a parental role. Last night he said he wants 2 things: respect and space.
I said so do I and I feel I give you both. But you're pushing on the space.

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Just wanted to add that I would love it if he joined the Air Force (like my father) or any other service. But we discussed that awhile back and he felt like that was something he would not like to do.

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That's understandable, especially now...

My question is the same as Jespah's, and I don't think I've seen an answer yet -- what does the other mom say when you talk to her about this? The two of you can talk together and come to some agreements. Like, your son can't stay at her house unless he's called you. That he can only do it every other weekend. Whatever works.

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Re: Parent of 16 y.o.

juellner wrote:

My husband and I agreed long ago that he would not step in as the 'father'. We have house rules and my husband and son do get along, it just could never be in a parental role. Last night he said he wants 2 things: respect and space.
I said so do I and I feel I give you both. But you're pushing on the space.

Thanks for clarifying . Tell him if he wants to be an adult and be treated as so, he needs to act like one.

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I was given a parenting teens book by my MIL last year. I have gotten a lot of insight from it. It's well written, humorous and might just get you through the next year or two.

Boys typically 'peak' in their need to separate and rebel between 16 and 17, girls around 14. Here's a quote on teenage boys from the book, Get Out of My Life, but first can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall? by Anthony Wolf, Ph.D. (c. 2002)

Quote:

Once adolescence begins, teenage boys go to their room, close the door, turn on the stereo, and come out four years later. This scenario is not that much of an exaggeration. Some also spend a lot of time away from the house - a solution available to them becasue teenage boys are usually given more freedom than girls. In short, boys solve the problem of their need to separate from their parents by doing just that: phyusically separating. They become vanishing experts. They learn the trick of saying "yes" but doing "no." They agree to do what is asked of them, in order to avoid a fight, but then disappear before actually accomplishing the task in question.

Above all, teenage boys become very private. They do not like to talk to their parents. In fact, they do not want their parents to know anything about what is going on in their life... Boys are especially likely to avoid their mother... Particularly troubling from the perspective of the mother is that her previously open, talkative, very huggable boy disappears absolutely and is replaced by a young man who seems to radian an aloofness that, if anything, makes her feel scorned.... Hurt by her son's aloofness and feeling rejected, a mother may aggressively communicate her hurt to her son, which is the worst thing she can do...

This really is a terrific book and might help you figure out what's going on with your son. At this stage he's not about to tell you.

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I love the title!

Might buy it now just to be sure to have it when I need it...

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Yea, it's a pretty funny book. The ironic thing is that, according to Wolf, teenage boys hate confrontation and vanish to avoid conflict. Teenage girls, on the other hand, state their budding independence by searching for conflict and telling their mothers just how to get out of their lives.

I've been very fortunate in that I've had very little direct confrontation with my girls, but at 13 and 15 I'm smack in the middle of it. There are times when I think my current role has been deligated to supplying transportation and an open wallet. I'm knocking on wood and counting my blessings that we're doing pretty well so far.

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Re: Teen Boy Behaviors

juellner wrote:

I have a 16 year old boy who I usually get along with really well. He is very open about topics with me, including sex. The trouble I am having is that when I set limits/rules, he more often than not, blows me off.
Example, I had to leave for work (with my husband) so I told him to be home at 5:15. He wasn't & I had to leave. He did not have his key. He ended up breaking the bathroom window to get in. I took away his cell phone and will not take him out for practice drives.
The other thing he does is go to his friend's house on a Friday and comes home on Sunday! I have stated several times this is not acceptable. I have spoken with the mom of the family. She is very nice & the family loves my son. They have 4 boys so my son loves being around them. My other child is a 19 y.o. girl. When he is around a certain friend, he turns mean and nasty. Told me to shut up one night when I asked him why he didn't let the dog out instead of making his friend do it. I am at wits end. I just hate this age.

Trying to figure out how cell phone and driving practice relates to breaking a window. Imnsho, a child's punishment should be related to the crime, so certainly he should pay for and help repair the broken window. If he cannot have a job elsewhere to earn the money, there should be a way he can earn money somewhere on the side (I'm big on home chores not being designated as wage-earning for kids in the family, though...) maybe recycling cans or mowing a lawn or babysitting or something... maybe he could render some service to his sister or a neighbor or aged relative... But I wouldn't take away a cell phone (unless you tried to call him on it to find out why he wasn't home yet and he didn't answer it and was behaving irresponsibly w/the cell phone in other ways as well, but you don't mention that...)

I also wouldn't go for a teen just leaving for the weekend. I'm curious about what the other mom said when you called; was she under the impression that your son could stay away with your blessing? Or does her child just show up and stay for several days at your house?

Teen years are hard ones to parent through. I've raised 2 adult sons so far, and they had their moments of difficulty, tested me in their own ways. I found that if I thought of them as testing me the way a toddler would, but on a grander scale, and corrected their behavior in a consistant manner, but tailored to their age and greater skill levels, behaviors eventually righted themselves. Good luck! And hang in there!

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Thank you all for more input. To address your questions: My son's mom is an at-home-mom and a very nice, understanding person. She seems accustomed to having all their son's friends around from time to time. Everyone there is into dirt biking and I think a lot of comings & goings, but they are pretty well to do and good prinicpled family all in all. So I never had an issue with the family. I think she is just being good to my son, in her eyes. And my son is invited to their home.
I must re consider my form of 'punishment' as being related to the crime so to speak. I agree, and I can certainly take that money for window repair out of his child support.
The exerpt from the book made me tear up because that is exactly how I feel. Esp the part about loosing that happy talkative little boy. I will definately look into it. Strange, I never had 'issues' with my 19 year old daughter.

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Teen Boy Behaviors

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