Mon 28 Apr, 2003 09:31 pm
In this topic about whether Jesus had sex
I started remembering old bible stories. My favories were always the weird ones, sometimes the nasty ones.
What are your favorites?
i liked the one about the assassin who fooled the king's guards by being left handed. The guards expected to see the weapon on his left side but missed the concealed dagger.
The assassin killed the king by plunging the dagger into his belly but the king was so fat that the fella lost the dagger in the deal.
Another one i like was when two women make a deal to eat each other's children. The deal was that they would cook one and eat it one day and then the next day cook and eat the other one.
They cooked one and ate him but then the mother who still had a son skipped out on the deal. I can only imagine how the other mother felt.
This, if i remember correctly, was during a time when an ass's head was sold for food among some other nasty items that would fetch a high price (if i remember correctly this was during a seige of a city).
i don't remember if Scenacarrib (sp) was the bad guy.
Mine might be wrong on a FEW details but i am not making them up. Look them up in the Bible if you want.
I've always been fond of the talking ass, it reminds me of so many people we know...
Baalam's ass was always one of my favorites.
Craven, what did I tell you about smoking that grass AND reading the Bible? Well, nothing at all to be honest.
Favourite of mine is that poor Jezebel, who just happened to be a sort of priestess-consort-queen when she mixed it up with the Israelites. Nasty stuff.
She is the first person to have used make up (in the Bible) she saw a chariot approaching and " painted her face" I think the dude in the chariot killed her.
I have never read the bible and smoked weed.
My favorite has always been the first part of the story of Jonah. God tells him to go EAST to Nineveh and tell everyone there how evil they are. (Yeah, right.) Instead, Jonah immediately goes as far WEST as physically possible and then pays to get on board a ship going even farther west. Always makes me laugh. If God asked me to do that, I'd run the other direction, too!
I always loved the story of Joshua and his army marching seven times around the walls of wherever it was, then he blew his trumpet and the walls fell down.
And Noah. Fancy just taking all that on board (ha ha) like that. If he was so damn righteous why didn't he put in a good word for anyone else or tell them to build their own boats? Nope, screw 'em - we'll be picking up their land for free soon. AND we get to watch the unrighteous perish in a most horrible manner, excellent!
I must have skipped that part about the cannibal mothers. Darn.
Lot's wife becoming a statue of salt, for the horrid sin of looking back at burning Sodom.
Moses having to raise his arms during a whole battle so the people of Israel could win: some kind of a tantric practice.
The Seven Plagues: I mean, man, God grew angrier and angrier, meaner and meaner. The river turning into blood was cool, the rain of fire was kind of creepy. But the killing of firstborns, and the angel signaling the houses of Jews to spare them: that was cruel and scared the hell out of me, a non-Jewish firstborn child.
Jonah is a great yarn.
Joshua blowing walls down was not as interesting to me as a child as the espionage that went one beforehand. He sent two people into the city and they had to go out down the side of the wall (if I remember correctly a woman helped them down in a basket, she also signaled them using a red rope).
As to Noah he is the first drunk preacher as well (he got drunk and his son Ham "saw his nakedness", in a verse in the new testament he is referred to as a "preacher").
Eve is downright boring. But she was the first carpenter. Reportedly made Adam's bannana stand.
As to Lot the best part oif that story is that after his wife turned into salt he spent time in a cave with his daughters and had sex with them.
Moses's arms story always made me laugh. If only the enemy knew. They must have had a clue because if I remember correctly as his arms dipped his army faltered and someone helped prop them up.
As to the 7-plagues the "!0 Commandments" drove that fear home. The angel of death was a mist or night shadow and I am a first born who grew up wary of said mists or night shadows.
I liked the story where Jesus exorcised a demon into a herd of pigs & they all killed themselves, lemmings style. I always thought the farmers must've been pretty pissed.
The 4 beasts with eyes all over their bodies who were created only to shout praises at God were cool to try to envision too. Also the freaky mutant-endtime-locust plague. I forget exactly how they were described, but it was nasty.
Craven, I think dlowan's post should be read as following:
"Dear Eve, the city whose name you don't remember was Jericho".
Aha, I have been daft. Sorry dab. Also sorry Eve (in case you think I was calling you boring, I meant the naked Eve).
Monger, legion's demons is indeed a funny story. I too thought the farmers would be verra pissed. I think it was 300 pigs or so and back then that was $$$$$$!
There is some really weird stuff in the Bible.
Jeremiah, at the instruction of God, didn't change his clothing for a whole year; then, also at God's instruction, buried the aforementioned clothes for another year, then dug them up and showed them to everybody. This was supposed to show how Jerusalem would rot if they didn't follow God.
Then there is the story about what happened to the tribe of Benjamin. As I recall (someone help me), someone from the tribe of Benjamin committed rape against another tribe. Now, don't get me wrong, rape is a horrible thing. But the other 11 tribes' reaction was to take arms against the tribe of Benjamin. All the women, children and old men in the tribe were killed, and only a few Benjamin warriors survived on a hilltop. They were allowed to take wives among the tribe of Judah, but without Benjamin women, the tribe was finished. Explain to me how destruction of an entire tribe, especially its women, is a fit punishment for one rape?
Oh, and that line in Joel (?) about 'they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks," ? In another of the minor prophets appears the line, "they shall beat their plowshares into swords, and their pruning hooks into spears".
God told Ezekiel to eat human feces, when Ezekiel balked God said to eat cow dung.
Another rape punishment story that I'm a bit confused about:
Two brothers found out that their sister was raped, I don't remember if they went and killed a bunch of people in the city or if they circumcised them all.