how to deal with my young adult son

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Hello everyone, I am new to this website and I hope your input can help me.

My 20 yr old son has not show up around the house during the last two days. He left after my wife told him a few things he may have not wanted to hear. It appears our son refuses to gain independence and be responsible for himself. He graduated from High School, then took a few months off, he later went on to attend a technical college for a couple of semesters. We helped him the most we could with this, both emotionally and financially. He quit on the second semester, said it was too though for him and wanted to take a semester off. He came back home, he takes a month or two before he finds a part time job. He keeps that job for two or three months and then quits. He is been without a job for a month or two now and we see no effort from him to find another one soon. I need to mention that my son loves to drink beer and maybe smoke pot here and there. He doesn't make it obvious, but I know. He is been spoiled in too many ways and because of that I know I am responsible for some of his behavior. He is also been in jail a couple of times for minor things and wrecked his and my car in the past.

I want to help my son and I wish I could get close to him, he seems lost and depressed. He does not talk much and I am not a very affectionate father. I don't know what kind of inner problems he has, his actions are not of a responsible 20 yr old. Tolerance and patience are not qualities I have, however, I have bent backwards on this regard because of my wife. It is because of my lack of tolerance and patience that I prefer to let my wife deal with him. I am sure he knows I disapprove of his behavior and knows exactly what I think about it and maybe that is why he never comes to me for advice. I don't know if I should come down on him hard and tell him to clean out his act or else leave the house. I don't like to see my wife depressed and worried about him so much. I can also try to be understanding and try to get through him. What will be the best approach in this circumstances? All I want is for him to have a full time job, or to go to school, the armed forces, college or other type of school. He seems to not want to do any of that. I just want him to be a normal and happy guy and not the way he is right now.

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I'm no psychiatrist or anything, but it sounds like your son may be suffering a mild case of depression and commitment issues. I think the best approach would just to sit down with your wife and talk with him, taking special care to be as supportive as possible and not to come off as being judgemental. Ask him waht he wants to do in life; what his goals and dreams are and how he plans to acheive them. Perhaps suggest visiting a psychiatrist. But just remember, if your son seems to be closed to all of your attempts to help, there is only so much you can do, and quite franky having him live there indefinitely would only facilitate the mindset of having no urgency to move on with his life. i would not recommend kicking him out perse, but perhaps you could start charging a modest rent every month to at least encourage him to get a job.

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jangel, it is not as if he is till going through puberty.

It sounds like you have done all the usual things re. supporting your son during his education. He is now 20 yrs old, and wanting to drop out by the sounds of it.

Tell him you love him and will always love him. Tell him that you will try to help him with whatever he may need in the future (including a roof over his head) and that you will always be there for him in times of trouble, but that he now needs to grow up and start being an adult.

Fine, take a short break in order to sort himself out, but make it plain that he is now expected to start making his own way in life. He doesn't need to do this overnight, but he should realise that childhood doesn't go on forever.

He's already ducked out of college and got into trouble DESPITE your financial and emotional support. I don't think you will do him any favours by carrying on with the parent/dependant child relationship. If you DO, you will still probably be having to bail him out when he is in his thirties.

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Does he confide in someone (an uncle, aunt, cousin, friend) that you can talk to? Or ask them to talk to your son? Sometimes it's easier to talk to people other than your parents. And it's important for someone to talk to your son, probe his mind.

And not that I want to alarm you, but I think the more immediate need is to find out where he is. Is this something he does on a regular basis - not come home for a couple days? If not, then I'd start getting in touch with his friends, etc.

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wow.
This guy posted in feb.
Im not sure he will be back.

but my suggestion, watching my mother go through this right now with my 20 year old brother is to maybe seek some help.

Depression is caused by drinking and using drugs.
but, beyond that, it may be a real chemical imbalance that is stopping him from being and feeling like a normal person.
Some sort of medication may help him.

getting him into see a therapist may benefit him as well, if he is feeling like he can not talk to you or your wife.
He may need a little time to dump some emotional baggage, and find a good wake up call.. what ever that may be.

If it were me, I would be working on some tough love rules.
Not limited to , but begining with financial responsibility for living in your home. Young people eat ALOT. Laughing

He could start with having / needing to provide food.
Pay a little of the bills

but .. you are still faced with how to get him into a job when he wont get up and put in an application. That step may be easier with a therapist?

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shewolfnm wrote:

wow.
This guy posted in feb.
Im not sure he will be back.

Good thing you pointed out the date of his post, Shewolfnm, I didn't even notice it. I hope things worked out for them.

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Hopefully someone with a similar concern will find this thread and benefit from the great advice you guys have given.

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how to deal with my young adult son

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