When your kid catches you crying....

I think you should be proud of his reaction. It shows he has empathy.

My kids have caught me crying before. And it went down about how you describe. I felt worse, but they felt better. Almost like they were happy to know that I was human.

Sure my kids have seen me cry. That's what I do when I'm really angry. It's ok that Mo saw you cry. It lets him know you are a real person, with feelings, with limits that sometimes get pushed. He also sees that you aren't crying any longer (unless you are still) and sees that it's ok. I've told my kids that sometimes I just need to let out some things that are building inside and once they're out then I feel better.

Okay..... okay..... okay.... then.....

Okay.

I know what you mean about the empathy thing, FreeDuck. I am proud that he empathized with me but still it made me sad that he felt like he had to console me.

I'm not crying anymore but if someone dropped a hat I could start again pretty easily.

It does seem like kids would understand the whole crying thing... that whole "build up" and release thing....

Maybe he gets it more than I think he should.

Yep.

I just had this conversation with E.G. A couple of weeks ago everything kind of came crashing down at once -- I'd been in high stress mode for a long time, and then had a sort of scary physical, and came home from it (it was early in the morning, E.G. had stayed home to watch sozlet [who was still sleeping] and was there when I got back] just a weepy mess. He was worried about me, and I explained that part of it was not anything specific but just that I hadn't cried in a long time and so everything was coming out at once. He said, well why don't you cry if you need to?

I explained that I don't want to put sozlet in the position of being the nurturer, and yet I get mad if she ignores me. (That happened once when I banged my toe on something and it hurt like hell and I was trying to figure out if I needed to go to the ER or anything and after an initial period of being caring she wandered off to watch TV, and I was like hel-LO! In horrible pain here!!)

He convinced me of what you guys are saying, above; that while obviously I don't want to take it too far, it can be comforting for her to know that I'm human, that there's nothing wrong with being sad or being mad or crying. That it can be a good lesson, itself.

Crying is one thing that kids really do understand. And I think when they see adults do it, it's a kind of relief for them. I know what you mean about not wanting to put them in that position, but unless it's a long term unhealthy role reversal, I think it's probably harmless at worst, and a good learning experience at best.

I agree with FreeDuck. Seeing you be able to recover from whateveritwas is a good thing.

Yep.

What E.G. likened it to is something we've talked about before, about fighting in front of kids. Received wisdom has been "don't" -- to avoid fighting at all costs. But I read, a while ago, a really interesting article about how kids who grow up never seeing their parents fight -- or RESOLVE a fight (and that's the important part) -- lack skills in conflict resolution in their own relationships. They get freaked out if there is any fighting at all, or don't know how to handle it when it comes up.

The conclusion there is that while obviously you want to observe limits, it can be beneficial to go ahead and have disagreements in front of kids as long as there is a resolution in front of them too -- the conclusion, the proactive solution, the hug, etc.

He said something about this being in the same sort of category, and I agree.

Are you okay, soz?

Scary physicals deserve a good cry for sure!

E.G. sounds like Mr. B so much that it is frightening. Mr. B would so say a "Why don't you cry if you need to?" sort of thing.

I see Mo nurture our poor old sick sweet dog and I love it. I see him pat and play with our neighbors baby and I'm in a whirl.

When he turned it on me I just wanted to cry harder.

Yeah...

I spilled my guts here already about the scary physical and parts one and two are either resolved or in process (mammogram: fine, weight: decreasing since I joined a gym) and part three is pending (hypothyroidism -- will be re-tested in a couple of months, see where things are).

And yeah, E.G. and Mr. B seem to have plenty in common. Beyond their rhyming and vaguely similar noms de net, even. :-)

I don't have kids, but I agree with what Freeduck and the others are saying 100%.

I've mentioned this before, but I think my situation as a kid could add another dimension here. My mum has been a serious drinker for as long as I can remember, and she came from a 'don't show your kids any weakness' mentality. She never cried in front of me unless she was roaring drunk, and then it was a completely frightening experience. So, crying from adults really freaked me out. My father was a solid guy, but I didn't see him cry, bc he was always playing the fun and protective role to us kids. I guess he wanted to protect us from his pain and worries, as well. But we knew.
When I was a little older than Mo's age, my dad had a health-crisis that left him less physically able than before. I had been there during the crisis, and had called the ambulance. When dad came home, he sat down next to me and began crying. I'll never, ever forget it. My mum tried to shoo him to a room, but he didn't listen to her. It sort of gave me permission to cry and go through the range of emotions too. He explained that he just needed to cry, bc he had been scared and sad. I loved him even more. I trusted him with those feelings for as long as he was with us.

I guess my story isn't exactly about the frustrated, pissed off kind of cry, but I guess my point is: an experience of adult crying, with someone who doesn't expect you to bear the load, can only really be a good learning experience. It can't really hurt. I know mine was: I could cry in front of my father, but to this day not in front of my mother.

You are a solid mum. Please don't feel guilty about crying. Kids are brilliant and observant.

Sometimes motherhood means permitting a little boy to be a big boy.

Mo is growing up.

Thank you for sharing that story, flushd. I think your comment about it giving YOU permission to express how you felt is very, very interesting.

I read an article recently about how boys get such mixed messages about crying. I don't want Mo to think crying is a bad thing and I most certainly don't want him thinking that he has to bear the load.

He is growing up, isn't he?

Yes, he is. And that is good.

My son was about that age when he first saw me cry, and he did the same thing I've always done when he's cried...he rushed over and gave me a big hug. Brought me a kleenex and wiped my eyes and told me everything was going to get better. Patted me on the back, even.

It was so sweet, I nearly started crying again.

In some strange way, it really did make me feel better, though. Knowing that I'd taught him how to respond kindly when he saw somebody cry.

I rarely cry, though, so I wasn't worried about him assuming any sort of regular role. Now whenever he knows I'm upset about something, he tells Dad they need to go out and get me some chocolate. <LOL> That's almost as good as a kleenex and a pat on the back, right?

Give Mo an extra hug and tell him, "I'm so proud of you, you're going to be a fine man when you grow up because you have such a good heart."

Boomer--

Down the road there is a good possibility that a hypothetical daughter-in-law will bless you for basic lessons in Dealing With Tears.

Exactly!

Re: When your kid catches you crying....
T says it's important for kids to learn about resolving conflicts and stress by observing adults doing so. It's OK for Mo to see you cry.

As a guy, though, I gotta say that this statement:

is just a little mind-boggling...

Say what, DrewDad?

Crying is the best drug in the world.

If I could bottle the way I feel after a good cry I would be a millionaire.

My boyfriend had the type of relationship with his mom where he sometimes saw her sad, often talked with her about her problems with his dad (his bad temper, their fights, etc), that kind of thing. I think it's made him a very supportive and sensitive guy, very able to connect with others and empathize.

And he's still very sweet to his mom, so you can look forward to that...

Now, my experience was the other side of the coin; my mom was upset too often, made it my business to be her crutch, used her sadness as an attention thing. That's a problem, but that's a world of difference from what you're talking about. It wouldn't have occurred to her to question how she was handling her emotions in front of me. I think the very fact that you are thinking it over shows that you're in control of it and it's not something that you'd let get out of hand.