Note to self: You're a monster.

Boomer....this is the first of your Mo threads I found!

Here is a resource you may find useful.

http://www.cfc-sa.org.au/MANUAL.pdf

I read the whole damn thing and never came to the punchline.

Warn us when you're being serious, OK?

Thanks, dlowan! My computer won't open PDF files for some reason. I'll go get on Mr. B's computer and give it a read......

My daughter must not care much about animals - the other day I mentioned King Crab Legs and she started smacking her lips saying yummy. I told her - you would eat Sebastian? It didn't faze her at all - she still wanted those crab legs.

She loves lobster too! And certainly doesn't mind all the ripping and cracking involved in that.

Crabs and lobsters aren't animals, Linkat. They're ocean bugs. Didn't you know that?

THEY ARE ANIMALS!!!!

Well okay, technically, bugs are animals.....

Perhaps if they were fuzzy and cute she wouldn't care - but Sebastian? She is willing to eat Ariel's friend. My daughter is twisted!

I would love your feedback, Boomer, if you DO read it (hopping with impatience but also not wanting to pressure Boomer in any way.....).


It is an information manual written by a Sydney psychologist, using Perry's trauma work, and attachment theory, to explain simply the inner workings of kids like Mo, (good to see, cos I am always trying to explain that to distraught carers) and to look at ways of caring for them that are reparative.....and also ways to manage their behaviour that cause no harm, and can do good.


I am a third of the way through it meself, and I have noticed that her attachment nomenclature is wrong (but who gives a ****, if it makes sense and WORKS!) and so far she has not addressed the very strong negative emotions that these kids can arouse in carers...but mebbe that is too hot button a topic for a manual?



Anyhoo, I suspect it may be pretty useful for you...it is similar to the Hughes stuff, so far...which makes sense because it is the same theory base.


But I would LOVE to hear what you think.



But, no pressure! Ignore the damn thing if you want to .

Okay already!

Just kidding.

I hijacked Mr. B's computer long enough to print it up, dlowan. It looks really interesting. If I don't have time to get it read in the next couple of days I'll carry it along to California to read on the way back where I should have plenty of sit-still time.

Meanwhile.....

Auntie T is here visiting RIGHT NOW bringing "love" from Grandma Mary's hospital bedside and I'm about to puke soooooo.......

Ewwwww.....





(And I AM sorry, Boomer...I know I am a pain.....I just get so damned fizzy and kinda manic when I find stuff I think is likely to be really useful. I went looking for this manual on Google, because I had heard about it, and Google found it for me on the SACarers' website, which is the site for foster parents and such in my state, so it is spreading. I wonder if the "powers that are" are aware of how strongly it pushes early removal of kids in in awful circumstances, and for early permanency of placement, neither of which is practised in my state, where the balance is currently stacked firmly on the "natural parents are best for kids almost always, and anyway, our foster system has been allowed to rot, and we don't have enough staff. so let's let the poor little darlin's be totally fucked before we remove them" side?)

dlowan, I read the paper on my drive home from California and have a lot of questions/comments.

It was really, really interesting in light of everything overall and a few things that happened while we were away.

Tonight I'm totally kaput and I still haven't unpacked the paper where I dog-eared several things.

Tomorrow I should have time to post about it so consider this my bookmark!

Waiting with interest, Boomer!

Boy-o-boy could I have ever used that information when Mo first moved it!

Every person considering foster parenting should be made to read it. Then they should be quizzed to make sure they understand it.

People who believe that reuniting families, except in the most extreme cases, is always in the child's best interest should be made to read it too.

I'm going to start with the general and move towards the specific. This may take a few posts....


Reading this made me really curious about what is taught in traditional foster parenting classes because, I believe, they are told NOT to get too attached to the children since placement is always so "iffy".

I think the article pointed out how problematic this "iffiness" is to everyone, the bios, the fosters and especially the kids, involved in the relationship. Speaking from personal experience, the iffiness was a HUGE problem for all of us. Things were chaotic and uncertain at a time when they really needed to be calm for Mo's sake.

The fact that all of the iffiness stems from the people who didn't care enough about their child in the first place is something I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around.

You know, if you commit a crime with a gun they'll lock you up and make sure you don't ever own another gun. If you mistreat your kids they'll do everything they can to see you reunited. I just don't get it. It's almost like mistreating your kids is not even a "real" crime.

I think the most important part of the article is it's insistence on honesty about the child's past. I know that I'm lucky to have known Mo since birth and have always had such an excellent relationship with him. I'm lucky that I was able to protect him from a lot of crap before he even moved in here by helping the family keep afloat. I'm lucky that when things got really bad at his house that he was able to come here. I'm lucky that I was able to spend a lot of time researching state laws and able to afford a private attorney.

And despite all of this luck I still had problems!

I talked to parents and read the parenting books and studied and learned and learned that a lot of the things I heard and read didn't "work" here. NO amount of luck changed the fact that Mo is different and that he had experienced things that the parents I talked to and the books I read didn't address.

So, of course, I felt like an imbicile who was completely incapable of raising a child. Once I finally figured out that all of the very good parenting advice I was being given was not really going to work for us I was able to get ahead of the curve and solve some problems we were all having.

When I imagine moving into a relationship like this without having known all of the things I did know about Mo and his family.... what a recipe for disaster that would have been. People raising a child need to know what that child has experienced. Secrecy about the past benefits no one. (Reyn could probably really address this issue.)

Being honest and forth-coming about the child's past and what was going to be needed to help them move past it would give pause to any foster parent. And it should.

I was really amazed when I read some foster parenting forums about people who wanted to give the kids back -- some people had already adopted kids and wanted to give them back. Devious Britches had a foster child that didn't work out for either of them and it really broke her heart. I think these things could be avoided if people were given the REAL story and lots and lots of support.

I know that, at least in America, that the support part isn't going to happen. It would require that we infuse the system with money and that's not going to happen. We'll give these kids a boot-strap to pull themselves up by but we're not springing for any damn boots.

<sigh>

Okay....

That's for starters.

Now I'll get out the paper and try to be a bit more focused....

The first page I dog-eared as being a big "Aha" moment (and an even bigger AHA for Mr. B) was page 27 - the discussion of "freezing"; especially the part about "...the child is ignoring or passively refusing to obey, when if fact the child is experiencing reactivated fear..."

Mr. B is for sure an up-the-ante-er. I read this part to him and we had a very good discussion about it. I've always been caught on the outside of the ante - Mo wants me to comfort him and Mr. B wants obedience to whatever sparked their disagreement. I hate circumventing Mr. B but I recognize that their arguement is going nowhere. Still, I think a unified front is important - very important. I hate not being able to comfort Mo when I can tell that he needs someone (me) to intervene for him. Rock, meet hard place. I think that Mr. B will be changing his tactics in light of this information. AHA!

The other thing that was very interesting about this is what we experienced while at Disneyland. Mo was having a blast, running around, trying new things, enjoying the trill and scare of the rides when, once in a while, a couple of times a day, he would just shut down. He would stop, lower his head, lean the top of his head against my belly, close his eyes and whisper mutter about..... something....

Mr. B and I were both baffeled by this. We would direct things to a quietish spot and let him just shut down for a bit. Then he was back in action - running and laughing and having a grand time.

It was really strange behavior.

Could this have been "freezing"? A response to the chaos?

>book MARK<

"The fact that all of the iffiness stems from the people who didn't care enough about their child in the first place is something I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around."

Actually, I think this is a little harsh.

A lot of these parents DO care....it is just that they have been unable to work through their own awful experiences enough to emerge as good enough parents.


And I HAVE seen truly awful parents move through this into being good ones. But, it is very intensive work.


We have just come from a training from a very good and effective program working with such parents....which is having good success. Many others have been working in your country. Many are now no longer being funded, apparently, and the money is going to the war in Iraq.

So it goes.

Here's a seminal Perry article...I think I have given this before to you, but here it is again.


http://www.trauma-pages.com/perry96.htm




http://www.childtrauma.org/ctamaterials/vio_child.asp

That's exactly what it sounds like to me, too. In fact, it reminds me of my reaction when I am overstimulated...I sit down (on the ground if necessary,) close my eyes, cover my ears, and breathe slowly and deeply for about 5-10 minutes. In fact, I vividly remember doing this at Disney World the first time I went. Also at art museums and other places where too much is going on to process it all at once.