You're favourite quips?

Some of my favorites:

For when someone finally gets the point...
"No more calls, folks, I think we've got a winner!"

For dealing with charity telephone solicitors (thanks to witty sister for this one)...say it fast then hang up...
"Sorry, but I'm deaf, dumb and blind. Thank you for calling!"

When taking seconds on hors d'oeuvres...
"Momma always said, 'Never turn down free food!'"

I used that last one once when my mother was within earshot. Bad mistake...

I see that I've wandered in among experts! Thanks guys! These are great!

One variation to Sugar's 'kiss my white shiny ass' that yes, ahem, I have been known to use on occasion is 'kiss my big fat white hairy ass' ~ to which most good-natured people respond with 'your ass is hairy? ewww!'

When bigdice was here, I mentioned to him a t-shirt that an off-duty cop friend was wearing while supervising a teen-age dance said 'nine out of the ten voices in my head tell me not to shoot'. I like that one.

1. My most favorite is when someone confides
information to me that was not requested,
especially if it is of an objectionable nature.
"That is really a little bit more information
than I really need, but thanks for sharing"
2. Kiss my entire, white, fat a**
3. Not in your lifetime.
4. You make my a** want to suck buttermilk!
5. I don't think so
6. Your momma's so fat, your daddy has to
roll over 3 times just to get off of her.

"It's not the menu that matters, it's the men you sit next to"

ROTFLMAO KP!

can I say a real one I uttered once? it is a meanie - but well deserved.

I was at a party once, with friends, one of whom, a woman, turned down the rather disinhibited advances of a man who hadhad too much to drink.

He started harassing her verbally - criticising her because she did not have children (!!!!!!!!). She can usually take care of herself, but I could see she was getting upset, so I weighed in, and asked him if HE had children.

He looked shocked, and said very sententiously "I have done my duty to my country!"

Inspired, and without missing a beat, I said "Oh! You had a vasectomy instead, then? I DO see your point."

He harassed nobody for the rest of the night.

I am way to DUH to come up with intelligent quips - mine are mostly consisting of the "f" word

Debs - I love the vasectomy one.

I quite like the simple "...and?..." as a response to an apparently irrelevant piece of information.

LMAO at vasectomy...that was truly inspired

When my balding uncle criticized my mane for being too long, I just said: "Yeah, but at least I HAVE hair." Never knew he was so sensitive about his hair (or lack thereof) until that moment...

OMG, telemarketers....Jim Florentine is the master at winding them up: www.jimflorentine.com The 'Horny Priests' MP3 is great...but not for the religiously sensitive.

If somebody tells one of them really lame jokeas, I say "Joke! Come on out! You're surrounded!" Sometimes I'll get better laughs than the joke...

"I don't live to work ... I work to live"

"The truth will set you free - but first it will make you miserable"

"I have willpower - I just don't use it"

Hmm, for bad jokes: "Maybe next time that will be funny", "It must be the delivery, the words were fine", or "Moving on now..."

For annoying self-centered party guests: "If this night was supposed to be all about you, it would have said so on the invite."

"And you're telling me this because...?"

"I'm not liking you today."

And for people who say 'I could have done this, but didn't...I say: 'Yeah, and I coulda had a V8, but I don't like vegetables.'

There are more that I use, but can't think of them now

Those are my contributions to an already groovy list!

If only I had the brains of Einstein, and the body of Robert Redford. c.i.

"Go to your happy place and please leave the rest of us alone."

"My inner child was aborted, so EXCUSE ME if I'm a bit grumpy."

A real social exchange between G.B. Shaw and an annoying party guest:

Guest: "Shaw, you know that 'sugar' is the only word in the English language that begins with 'su-' but has a 'shh-' sound"

Shaw: "Are you sure?"

To someone who's rather satisfied with himself, and keen to express that satisfaction:

"Wise men speak when they have something to say. Fools speak when they have to say something." Plato

ROTFLMAO, Deb!

And in that spirit, I offer the following.
I was attending a volunteer committee meeting once when the president of an organization, who just happened to be gay, decided to berate me in front of the group. He was well-known for being verbally abusive. I kept sitting there, taking it, wondering why I was putting up with this crap when I wasn't even getting paid. He went on and on and on and on criticizing me.

Finally, I had enough and decided I was outta there. I got up to go, and he couldn't resist the impulse to throw one more at me on my way out.

"You and I never could get along," he said. "You have a problem with gays!"

"Well," I shot back, "since I never planned on sleeping with you, it didn't really matter."

One evening a few years ago we had a knock on the door and Lo and Behold, it was Jehovah's Witnesses. All smiles and a cheerfull good evening and an offer of enlightenment, along with a couple of magazines. Now I don't object to their beliefs but it was a bad time for them and me. So just as discouragement I said, "No, sorry but we are Muslims". Their jaws dropped and they split faster than a banana.

Heh heh, I usually use the old "I am a satanist" with the Jehovah's witnesses. Once I actually did engage them in a doorstop bible debate...when they realized they could not support their pitch, they left pretty quick. Me: "No, wait, I thought you WANTED to talk about the bible!"