The Glamour Parent

I think it is more a desperation of the child (who may or may not now be grown) to find validation that they are worthy and deserving of the love that a parent should have shown them years ago.

If a parent was not there, abusive, cold, or somehow held their child in a less than loving environment, it is heartbreaking but understandable that the child will try to excuse the behavior again and again in the hopes that "finally" the parent shows the right stuff - love, hugs, says sorry for being such a crap-parent for all those years, how it was all a mistake and they love this kid more than anything in the whole world. Every kid wants to hear that. It would be such a relief and such a weight off them because they essentially feel unworthy if a parent treats them badly. It's the old - I must have been bad or unlovable for my mother/father to do that to me.

Because a child has to try so much harder to win the affections/approval/validation from a "Glamor Parent" it can seem that an unfair amount of time is spent on them and pursuing this, rather than in appreciation and love with those who were really there for the child. The child KNOWS he has these other people always and their love is unconditional. It may seem he is pushing them out of the way to get to the "Glamor Parent" but the child is too immature to see that his action might be hurting those closest (emotionally). That is not his intention at all. If ever the child had any realization that he was hurting you, he would be devastated. It's just that it takes a strong child/grown-up, with a good dose of healthy rearing and some good influences in their life, to be able to open themselves to the good and the bad side of a parent such as this. One day a 'ping' will go off in his head and he will see it all clearly. The love, caring and wisdom he learned from you and Mr. B, and the ability to know the difference between real love and being compassionate to those who cruelly hurt him. It would take a strong young man to be able to give some small piece of himself to that 'Glamor Parent' if not to provide himself some small piece of happiness but to reveal that he can treat them better than they treated him. People who are cruel and abusive are so needy of adoration and attention that is it sad. Mo will not be the type of young person to be cruel back to them. Perspective will come with age and experience.

I think, in your case, that Mo is getting such a leg-up in his youth being with you and Mr. B. He has been emotionally-whacked at such a young age by his bio-family and now he is experiencing unconditional love with you. Should he ever lean towards his bio-family for closeness or acceptance, I know you won't prevent him if it's what he wants or show your irritation to him. Remember the daily life he lives with you is shaping who he is and will become. It is enabling him to learn how to cope with anything that life may throw at him in the future. He will be a wonderful young man when he matures and that is due in major part to you (the good) and in minor part to the rejection and selfishness of his bio-family (the bad). It is the sum of good and bad that make us well-rounded and adaptable people in later life.

I think this is going on in my family. My brother and sister-in-law (SIL) have a daughter (aka: my niece). My sister-in-law has some very real mental illness and about 10 years ago when my niece was 6 they got divorced. My brother got custody and he was/is a very good parent. He can be a little tough in the rules department and a little over protective, but not to a great extreme if you ask me. My niece has always sort of pined for her mother, made excuses for her strange behavior and basically did everything to get her attention. We encouraged a relationship between them even when my SIL could made things difficult.

When my niece turned 14 she asked to go live with her mother. We were very surprised because my SIL had remarried and various things about that arrangement would make things uncomfortable for my niece. My niece claimed my brother was too strict and her mother would be easier to live with. Well she was right in some ways, my SIL set no rules, often let her take off from school and let her go to parties and sleep overs that were questionable for someone so young. It's more complicated, but I'll spare you the details. The sad thing is my niece will now not even speak to her father. She repeats things like a person in cult about how she feels. She avoids family get togethers. She often acts just like her mother, although I don't think she has the same mental problems. It's mimicing behavior and I have seen for myself she knows her quirky behavior can be controlled when it gets her the wrong kind of attention.

My niece is now 17 and I am hoping as she matures she will come recognize that her father was a good father and he deserves her attention too. I feel she is an intelligent young woman who is trying to sort out where she belongs in her mother's crazy world. Inside she knows her father loves her and would forgive her anything, her mother has been the challenge all her life. I believe her mother could walk away from my niece tomorrow and never look back, I think my niece knows this too and that is why she trys so hard to cling to her and gain her acceptance. She is still too young to fully understand the mental problems involved. I am hoping time and maturity will open her eyes and her heart, and she will realize she can have both parents in her life.

Boomer, I know this is not an optimistic story, but you are not alone. I think this is a problem many families have to face at some point. You are being the very best parent you can be. You are giving Mo the legacy of a loving family and a childhood full of fun and encouragement - what could ever be better than that!. I think Mo will come to fully appreciate you & Mr. B the older and wiser he becomes.

Thank you, Heeven.

I was there when Mr. B "pinged" on the who/what/why of his own Glamour Parent. It was an interesting thing to witness.

I knew Mr. B for quite a while before I met his mother. I thought she must be a real shrew. When I finally met her I was amazed. She's lovely. I couldn't begin to understand why Mr. B had wasted so much energy romancing his father.

Now he doesn't really understand it either. But he knows that it happened to him and that it happens to others and that it will happen with Mo.

Lately I've been observing from a distance the romancing of a mother by her adult child. It makes me angry. I think she's setting herself up for heart break.

Mr. B "gets" it, though.

I suppose I should count my lucky stars that I don't.

Thank you, Green Witch.

Your story is exactly what I'm talking about.

Mr B didn't "ping" until he was probably in his late 20s, so there is plenty of time for your niece to "ping".

Strictness does seem to play a part in it. Mr. B felt his step father was too strict. I think his mother let his step father be the disciplinarian and I think that is a mistake.

Mistakes were made on that side of his family too.

His mom was patient in waiting for his pinging and when he did she never mentioned it.

Like I said, she's lovely.

Is it definitely a "will"?

My cousin grew up with her mom and knew nothing about her father -- eventually she set out to find him, and did so. There wasn't really anything particularly negative in her relationship with her mom in this stage, and when she did find her dad, she was unimpressed.

She stays in sporadic contact with him, but there doesn't seem to be the kind of striving you're talking about, nor the negative backlash against her mom.

Hmmm.

Maybe it isn't a "will".

I wonder what makes the difference?

Interesting, soz, and thank you.

In my experience, it doesn't take long for the shine to come off the penny.

It took almost 15 years for the shine to come off of Mr. B's penny.

My cousin's boyfriend broke up with her when she told him she was carrying his child and wouldn't abort it. He never wanted anything to do with their son. Until the son was eight, he was curious about his dad, but not obsessed or `romancing'. At the age of eight, the boy met his father in the street while shopping with his grandma. The father looked the other way and kept walking. The boy was pissed and hurt, and stopped wanting anything to do with his father. He is now sixteen, his attitude never changed. Judging by the stories here, it may change yet, but I would be surprised if it did.

Intersting again, thank you, Thomas.

I wonder if it might have something to do with an inconsistent parent, someone with some contact with the child, and not one that is totally absent.

Random reinforcement is more effective than consistent reinforcemnet.

Huh?

I'm not following DrewDad.

Homework Help: Social Studies: Psychology: Every Once in a While
by David A. Gershaw, Ph.D.


How often and when should we reinforce desired responses? Last week, we discussed two schedules of partial reinforcement - fixed ratio and fixed interval. In contrast to rewarding every desired response, both schedules produced slower learning and are slower in going to extinction. However, the fixed ratio schedule leads to a high, consistent response rate, while the fixed interval schedule produces a low response rate that only increases near the end of the time interval.

The third schedule of partial reinforcement is random reinforcement. It rewards the organism on an unpredictable, chance basis. Whether rewarded according to the number of responses or the time intervals, the frequency of rewards is randomly varied. In other words, although the organism may expect a reward - it never knows exactly when the reward is coming.

If a pigeon's pecking is randomly rewarded, the pigeon will show a high, consistent response rate - similar to fixed ratio. In addition, random reinforcement is extremely hard to bring to extinction. For example, a pigeon was randomly reinforced for pecking at a dot for only one minute. Once this occurred, no more rewards were given. It took over 3.5 hours, before the pigeon gradually stopped pecking. In other words, for one minute of training, it took the pigeon 210 minutes to go to extinction!

This is one reason why praising other people's desired behavior is so effective. Typically, people get praised only "every once in a while." Because this verbal reinforcement is random and unpredictable, there is a strong tendency to continue the praised behavior.

However, gamblers are also reinforced randomly. This contributes to the problem of compulsive gambling. Let's say that a man wins a great deal of money over his first day of gambling but never wins after that. Although it may not take 210 days - similar to the pigeon above - to go to extinction, it will take a very long time. However, in real life, the gambler will continue to win "every once in a while," even though he may be losing most of the time. For example, he may win $1200 but lose $8000 during that same period. In other words, even though the gambler is on a losing streak, he is still being randomly reinforced! Under these conditions, the gambling may continue indefinitely.



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Because supetstitions are reinforced randomly,
they are very hard to bring to extinction.


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Various superstitions may also stem from random reinforcement. One of the most familiar examples is the behavior of baseball players, when they come up to bat. Have you ever noticed the rituals they go through, before they are ready for the pitch? How does behavior begin?

Suppose a batter goes into a slump. He tries all he has been taught but with no success. Before the next pitch, he happens to pull the visor of his cap down. He hits that pitch! While on base, he ponders the reason for his hit. Possibly pulling the visor down helped. Just in case it did, he continues this habit. Every once in a while, he gets another hit. In this way, pulling his cap down becomes randomly reinforced and part of a superstitious ritual. Similarly, other acts like tapping home plate with the bat, knocking mud off of his cleats (even under dry conditions), or chewing tobacco can be added to become parts of a complex ritual.

Primitive religious rituals may also be due to random reinforcement. Suppose a group of natives believes that a "shark god" is responsible for making their fishing successful. To insure the cooperation of their deity, they regularly throw it a pig as a sacrifice. Sure enough, every once in a while their catch is especially good. However, what if the catch is poor? The pig sacrifice would tend to continue, because it is being randomly reinforced. They may believe that the first offering was a "bad" pig, so an additional one should be sacrificed. Even if the additional pigs did not help, the natives may think, "Who can question the ways of the shark good?"

Although you may smile at the baseball player and native examples, you are less likely to be so jovial when you realize that the same principles of random reinforcement apply to your religious rituals. Have you ever prayed for something you wanted? Have you done some other religious ritual - fasting, chanting or lighting candles - to help you achieve some goal? If so, you probably could not predict if or when you would get what you wanted. Every once in a while, you might obtain your goal. Like the native, getting rewarded on a random schedule made you likely to continue your religious ritual, even after it has outlived its usefulness.

This is not an attempt to argue that there is no God. Instead, it is a reminder that we are all human. Thus - even in our religious rituals - we respond according to basic principles of human behavior.

Oh I see. Very, very, interesting.

Thanks DrewDad!