Making a step-family work..

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Hello I'm new to this site, I wasn't sure if I should post this on the parenting or relationships board. My issue is a little sticky.

I have been divorced for over 8 yrs and have two sons. I met my husband about 5 years ago at work. Had no idea he was married at the time and had two girls of his own. He's been divorce for 4 of the 5 years I've known him. We married 2yrs ago this Feb.

The issue is his bio-19yr old daughter. The story I got was that the marriage ended when SD was 15. Since the divorce or split 19 yrold and my husband supposedly had a great relationship.. And that may have been true in their eyes. So three years ago R (husband) and I got engaged... all of a sudden Allygirl (his daughter) started acting up. She started smoking, getting body piercings and having sex w/any guy she met. At first I thought it was because everything was happening too fast. her parents had only been divorce for a yr when R and I started dating and 9 months later we were married.

Allygirl stopped visiting her dad at our house. She would call him and when R asked questions about her future plans she'd get very defensive and start fighting with R. It has gotten so bad that R had to change his phone number... Allygirl dropped out of school, got kicked out of her mom's house for stealing, was living with an older man and is now living with a 27 yr boyfriend. R tried talking to her and we even offered to help her get back on her feet. We offered to let her come live with us but she'd have to give up smoking, go to school and get a job. And yes there would be house rules and guidelines and a time frame all this needed to be started or working on... otherwise she'd have to move out.

She turned down our offer, that was back in August. Now it's Jan 06 and she called to talk to R. They hadn't talked since Nov. thanksgiving. Anyhow R gave me the phone and while I was talking to her Allygirl mentioned that she and her current boyfriend had talked and he thought she should move in with her dad. I told her she needed to earn his trust and respect and talk to him about it. I also told her that it was something she really had to be serious about because I would not put up with her crap.

So R and I have talked and we agreed that if she really wants to move in we are willing to give her a FINAL chance to get her act together. However R said he is not going to call her and tell her or ask her if she wants to move in. He said that has to come from her. I really want to help her but I'm scared of what will happen. What if she steals from us or doesn't try to get her act together... will R be able to stand his ground and kick her out? I think he will I know he will because he'll have to chose between helping her out of guilt or our marriage..

I care for the girl and I really think her stayathome mom didn't do her job teaching and preparing her for the real world. I told R we should give her a chance because it's not fair to expect her to succeed when she wasn't properly prepared. He agrees but said he wasn't going to be the one to make the first move... i swear they act like children, especially R.

So I took it upon myself to write Allygril a letter and tell her that she needed to make the first move. I told her she needed to call R and apologize to him for the way she has treated him. And that if she asked for his help he (we) would help her, but that she had to be serious and ready to work on herself and the relationships with all of us.

I wasn't going to tell R but I did.. the problem is I don't know if I did the right thing. What if she does move in... does anyone have any suggestions on how to build a relationship with adult stepkids. I'm only 12 years older than her so I can understand why she is never going to see me as a mom. And I don't want her to but I do expect her to respect me as and adult and her fathers wife.

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2 of my 3 steps were adults when I married their father almost 11 years ago. Altho there has been some conflict in the past, the kids have always liked me (even when I secretly did not like them) and that has been an incredible advantage.

It sounds like you've already got a decent relationship with your stepdaughter. Just keep building on that. I'm fifeteen years older than my oldest step so there's no built-in 'respect your elders' thing between us either but I've earned their respect by treating them as young adults, expecting them to behave as such, responsible and accountable, and going toe-to-toe with them when the need arose. And they love me for it.

There's always going to be head-butting tho' because someone else raised her. My husband had to send his youngest son back to his mother when he screwed up horribly while living with us but those are the risks you take. You've got to give the kid a genuine opportunity to clean up her act. Every young person deserves that chance and I applaud you for realizing that and taking a chance even tho' you're leery about it but you've laid down the law and if she comes to live with you, it's on her to toe the line. You and your husband must present a united front but you'll never really know how tough your husband will be until faced with it.

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Thank you for the support eoe..

I really feel this is the right thing to do. I have heard so many bad stories about stepkids but had i not gotten my parents help at around the same age I would not be here today!

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And believe me, I've got my share of bad stories to tell as well but kids don't raise themselves, know what I mean? You can't blame them if they don't know or weren't taught any better.

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eoe wrote:

You can't blame them if they don't know or weren't taught any better.

that is exactly what I told my husband. I made an analogy of a child whom has never been taught to read and is all of a sudden in a 6th grade class. You can't just put that child there because they don't know how to read they were not properly prepared.. They weren't given the proper tools.

So to expect stepdaughter to be able to take care of herself from one day to the next was unrealistic. I told him that her biomom failed her and we need to start from the beginning.. like showing an adult illiterate person to read, you have to start from abc.. not give them a book and expect them to know how to read it.

I'm all for giving kids a chance... especially kids whom were neglected or not properly prepared for the "real world". I would do that for any child whom really wanted to change their life around for the best.

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I was on the opposite end of the stick. A stepdad entered the scene was I was 14-15. My bio dad passed away, which I am sure is different than a situation where there was a divorce.

I commend you for giving her a chance. Seriously, that is really kind of you.
You definetly do deserve to be treated with respect. It's good to hear that a decent relationship is developing between the two of you.

What yelled out to me about your post was the role your hubby plays.
If I were in the daughters position, I would be quite pissed off at my dad. I am not saying it is a mature position to take, but her actions seem to point in that direction.

I think that ultimately this is an issue of daughter/father. How she must long for her dad to be in her life in a meaningful way. She's still really young. She 'lost' her dad at a really **** time in her life.

I don't know what if this helps you at all, but I am just saying I can relate to her situation. It sucks , it's tough, and she will most likely continue to act out for a good while. She needs her dad more than anything, and maybe you can continue to encourage him in the right direction. It also won't hurt to know she has you - perhaps the first strong woman in her life to reach out and take part in her growth.

Good luck. Smile

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Let's see if I can add input here. My parents divorced when I was young and I occasionally saw my father. He re-married, had three more kids(I was the youngest of the first 3). My mother got remarried and he had 4 kids, but my mom didn't have anymore.
I've been married once and my wife had 2 children from her previous marriage and she and I have 2 together.
When my dad remarried I was 10-11 and he wanted us to pick out our step-mom. We had our choice between one who couldn't cook and one who was an alcoholic. We chose the drunk.
Since we didn't see my father after a certain point (about a year later) she became a non issue.

Now my step dad had to try and work with three teen-agers 12, 15 and 16. We were tough on him. My brother(15) was real brutal. The classics of your not my father to I'm gunna go live with my father. My brother and my step dad still aren't close although my sister and I have been closer to him. Oh, and he was also a weekend drunk.

My step children were 15 and 18 when I met their mom. She did a good job of raising them with family values and respect for people. And they are. As long as the people aren't my wife.
The kids have only been disrespectful to me when I hammer on them for the way they talk to their mother or if their behavior isn't proper around their little brother and sister. We dont allow them to smoke or curse around them.

All that aside, I will say this, after comparing notes with other people who have kids around the 17-22 yo frame, those kids are usually, disrespectful to their parents, always expect their parents to give them things(and never sincerly thank them) are involved with drugs and alcohol, and smoke. They do not view sex as a big deal and they will only do things for their parents if they can get something in return.

Your SD'd behavior seems right along those lines. Since I don't know how she was raised, I will say this: Don't be too quick to blame her mother.

I hope that put some light on your problem.

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ralpheb wrote:

Don't be too quick to blame her mother.

Thank you all for sharing your stories with me.
I feel like I have to clarify a few things... This is such a big issue and without writing a book I can only give you tad bits of information about the situation as a whole.

I have 2boys from my first marriage.. 13 &10 and they have a great relationship with my husband. My 10 yo does every once in a while try to push his buttons but never have either of the boys disrespected my husband.. They get upset with him when he comes down on them for talking back to me or giving me attitude but they get over it a few minutes later. Both of my boys have total respect and trust my husband.. As they I'm sure have respect and trust in my ex whom they see one night ever week and every other Fri - Mon.. I have never tried to make the boys chose between my ex or me and my husband. My ex on the other hand has been trying to convince them to go live with him from the time they turn 10.

The girls Bio mom is the same way with the 10 yo. She has been telling her that my husband and I were "sinners" for living together before we got married. (this coming from a woman whom slept around and happened to get pregnant with my husbands child) That is the only reason they got married and the second daughter was to "try" to save their marriage. Their mom was a stay at home mom (no disrespect intended) but was always too busy taking classes to improve herself. She has been taking classes at the community college since after she had the oldest girl (almost 20 yrs) and she has nothing to show for it.

My Allygirl would tell me about how her mom didn't have a backbone and she knew that at a very young age. She said that when she got home from school her mom would ask her to do her chores and she'd refuse to do them. Mom would call R at work and tell him to talk to Allygirl. Then when R got home from work, there was no dinner, the house was a mess and the kids hadn't done their homework... Mom was waiting for R to get home and "deal" with the kids. R would try to ddiscipline the girls and mom would jump in and defend them, or override R's punishment for the girls. They (mom & dad) had totally different parenting ideas.. Allygirl saw that and she played them against eachother. Mom yelling at R infront of the girls and calling him names didn't help either.

My husband told me the same story..(it's possible that Allygirl and R got together and agreed on what to tell me) But Allygril holds a lot of resentment towards her mom. She feels that her parents marriage was a mistake and for them to stay together for her and her sister was also wrong. She said her mom told her at a very young age how she (allygirl) was a mistake and that was the only reason she married R.

Things like that give kids the idea that they can talk to their parents any way they want. My kids know because I've told them, I don't care how old they are.. I'm their parent, I'm older and they can't treat me like their equal. They have to respect me and anyone whom is older then they are. My husband and I stand side by side when punishment is handed to the boys. If we don't agree with it we don't discuss it infront of the kids.

I think my kids are pretty well behaved, respectful and thoughtful... I've worked fulltime all their lives. I guess if I had stayed home with them I would have tried harder..or maybe not. Whatever the case may be, both mom and dad are to blame. IMO it was mom's responsibility since she was home, to make sure Allygril was in school, did her homework and chores and taught her how to keep house... Not to find a husband whom would provide everything for you and to let him do the parenting and the house keeping also, while you try to find yourself at the age or 42.. Not to mention that she is 4 yrs older than R.

So yes, I do blame mom.. that is where most of the blame belongs..

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MagStar--

Remember, you can't change the past--and you can't change anything about your stepdaughter. All you can do is give her time and space to make her own improvements.

Good luck.

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It is not that I want to change her. I want her to have a good chance at a "GOOD" life. I don't want to grow old w/her dad have her coming to our house with kids and a boyfriend to mooch off of my husband or end up dead somewhere.

I want to help her (if and when she is ready) be a successful (or happy) adult so she doesn't turn out to be one of those women that depend on a man. I would like her to be able to stand on her own two feet and feel proud of it. We all make mistakes but that is what makes us the person we become..and like!

I guess I do have ulterior motives... if she is successful then she wins and so do we. Not to mention my husband won't feel guilty or obligated to support an otherwise capable adult. Isn't that what we all want for our own kids anyhow? Confused

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At this point the only thing you can do is be supportive and make sure she doesn't become the mooch.

our oldest son had life by the ass. If he applied himself and kept his mouth shut, he would have reamined a starter on the football team and he could have stayed on the honor roll. He was already in America's who's who of High School Students in his freshman year. He got into drugs, dropped out of highschool(we got him back in) and then he dropped out again 1/2 way through his senior year. Now, at the age of almost 20 he has a bunch of court fines, no real job, no diploma and no real job. We refuse to give him any money and we refuse to let him move back in. He's had his chances. Now it's time for him to learn how to be an adult, like he thought he was.

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ralpheb- I totally commend you for your efforts!!
That is how I look at my situation.. If we (my husband and I together) haven't given her a "real" chance then we can't complain that she didn't try.

I've told him that he and her mom are responsible because she got so much contradicting parenting while she was growing up now she's a total emotional mess! That's why I feel compelled to at least give her ONE chance.

I agree if you give them a chance and they still don't change then they should be forced to grow up on their own.. Let life be the real teacher!

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MagStar wrote:

I guess I do have ulterior motives... if she is successful then she wins and so do we. Not to mention my husband won't feel guilty or obligated to support an otherwise capable adult. Isn't that what we all want for our own kids anyhow?

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eoe wrote:

I do remember... Crying or Very sad

those are not good memories. I was 23 by the time I had both of my boys and going thru a bitter divorce/ custody. I know that had my mom not stopped working to babysit my sons so I could go to school full-time I wouldn't have the career I have now. Had my dad not let me live with them at home for a year while I finished school, rent free I wouldn't have been able to afford to go back to school.

Of course I did graduate from HS and completed 1 yr of college by the time I gave birth to my first son.. I worked full-time and went to school full-time...I just ended up with the wrong man. When I had my first son, my ex didn't let me go back to work and refused to pay for a babysitter or my education..

With my parents help I was able to change my life around, eventhough my dad had predicted my life down to a T... He gave me a chance and I thank them every chance I get. That's what keeps going thru my head.. Even after my parents told me I was making a mistake they took me and my children in and they believed in me when they could have refused to help me! Cool

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She does wants to come home.. what now?
Update: My husband and I met with Alleygirl and we put together a plan... a "contract" while she is living in our house.

One of our major concerns is that we have not seen her for almost 2 yrs and we don't know what she has been up to. You know drugs and all... So the first thing on the contract was that she would have to go thru detoxification... She laughed at first but when she saw we were serious she said she'd do it. She says she really wants to try to get her life together.

So I came to work and did a little research. Since she dropped out of school and hasn't done anything with her life, let alone a real full time job. We are concerned because we don't have money to put her in a good rehab place. I did some research and there is some nonprofit programs out there..

The problem is, the program I found is a 1 year live in program and we had told her she could stay with us until her 21 b-day which is in 17 months..

Since she didn't object to the detox should we ask her to go into this 1 year program first? I think she'd have a better chance there having counselors to talk to about some buried emotional issues that she otherwise wouldn't be dealing with.

Any opinions?

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Do you have reason to believe that she actually needs a detox program?

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eoe- other than what seems obvious to both my husband and myself..
Things like, always forgetting Rolling Eyes

something inside the house when we are already in the car. She seems to always have a reason to run back into the house or if we are in a restaurant she forgets something in the car. Not to mention that she is 5.10' and weighs 100 or 105 lbs (I'm 5.2' and weigh 115 lbs) she just looks unhealthy. When we go out to eat she stuffs her face... literally. I don't know if it's because she isn't getting food where she lives but it also seems to go hand in hand with her trips to get whatever she forgot. And she smokes a lot, almost like an obsession to keep calm. Finally she wears long sleeves everywhere..Hot or cold she will not take them off!! That seems fishy to me, plus her skin is just in god awful shape... I guess I could be seeing or making to much of her appearance.

She has admitted to smoking marijuana and drinking... I really doubt she would tell us if she was doing other drugs. I mean she knows we would not take her in if she was. I just don't know where to turn to.

My husband and her thought detox meant a one night treatment or something. I didn't know what it really meant until yesterday, I really hope I'm wrong about her.

We'll see since she has agreed to move in at the end of this month.

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MagStar--

I'm under the impression that good detox centers have long, long waiting lists.

Also if your stepdaughter is not admitting to having a problem, she's not ready for detox.

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Noddy I suppose they do have long waiting lists but when I called they told me as long as she is ready they will see her.

They have an interview process and then they tell the person what type of treatment they need. Although she has admitted to some drug use she I'm sure will not tell us just how deep into the drugs she really is. IMO.
She didn't and doesn't have a problem going thru detox, that is until she finds out that it is not a 2 day thing. Sad

I'm sure she will not be happy. As I'm sure if she is not doing any drugs then the treatment center will tell us she doesn't need it.

She is moving in at the end of the month so I'm expecting the next couple of months to be an emotional roller coaster for all of us! I have decided to start keeping a journal at home or with me about this experience, I think it will come in handy to look back and see how we could have handled certain issues. :wink:

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MagStar--

I wish you well. We're here if you need to vent.

Good luck.

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Making a step-family work..

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