Poems and Pictures

Thanks Endy.

I read your new year's piece. I know I keep saying it, but your writing just gets stronger and stronger.
Hope you are well.

Hi Aidan
I'm glad you're here
Things are very quiet, aren't they?

I'll probably go write something on the death-diary later, but I'm finding it hard to connect with people. I've tried posting on a few threads outside creative writing - but I tend to get ignored (which can make me paranoid).

I try and 'chat' and not be too serious - but it isn't easy. (Being invisible I mean)

Thanks for reaffirming that I do exist :wink:

Endy

Endy's writing gets better all the time. Your writing is wonderful also, Aidan.

Endy - I'm happy to reaffirm and thankful for your existence. I really think your two threads in original writing are works that have become strong and topically pertinent works of art as your writing has matured. I keep thinking there should be a market for it somewhere.

The piece you did on your boxing day experience was really wonderful- poignant without being sentimental or sappy at all - (I prefer male writers a lot of times for that reason)- and relating an experience in such a way that though it was not something I had any experience of myself - I recognized the depth of feeling as something familiar and it was in that way that I related to your memories and emotions.

Seriously, I thought after I read that specific piece: this is publishable. I didn't respond because I didn't know how to respond. It affected me that much.
I know it may feel extremely personal and private as subject matter - but your treatment of it was unique and powerful. Have you thought about sending any of your stuff off? I know I've read published writing that wasn't nearly as well-written as your more recent stuff has been.

I have noticed original writing has been quiet or at least not frequented as much by people who used to frequent it. I think that kind of stuff is cyclical. I know I have lots of ideas as I'm working with people-all of whom have the most interesting stories-but due to the constraints of confidentiallity in my job - I don't feel comfortable posting, or really even writing about what I'm constantly thinking about. They're not my stories to tell.
I do want to get back to my short story though - I've been stewing on that for a couple of weeks. I just have to find the motivation. But that's always how I write- I sit or walk and think and think and then it all comes flowing out at one time.

If you live in Devon, you should come up to Somerset. I'm hesitant to issue an invitation, as no one ever seems to want to take me up on it, and that makes me feel paranoid and confused and invisible, (not really, don't worry if you have to or want to decline-I'm pretty much resigned that I won't meet anyone from this forum) but if you'd be open, I'd love to meet you. I have a group of friends who write and we do bi-monthly poetry readings at a little cafe in Wells. I think you'd love it. Let me know if you're interested ... and don't worry, it's all very low key. You can read or just listen - no pressure at all.
*And feel free to chat to me anytime - you know I'm always up for a chat.

Edgar - where have you been? I've missed your spontaneous poems. Thank you for your compliment on my writing - I appreciate it. And please know that everything I said to Endy applies to you too (if you're ever in England).

My computer crashed. I'm online only borrowing one from somebody else.

Have you noticed there've been lots of computer crashes around here lately?
How does a computer crash? What exactly happens? Is it something to do with the actual machine wearing out or what? (I have absolutely no concept of what a computer crash means).

Thank you Aidan

Thanks for reading my work. I value your opinion.

I wrote an answer to your post last night, but reading it today I realised that it turns into something of a rant. I'm not sure what to do with it. It's both personal (about my boxing day piece/your invite) and very political (the war in Iraq/what drives my political poetry and getting it published). - I just can't separate the two themes.
It's 1,262 words long.
I've tried to edit out the political, but I can't; one thing leads to another and I think (thanks to you) it's far too honest for me to scrap. Your post made me ask myself a lot of questions and it's complicated.

My reply to you is too political to post here now on poems and pictures

(I saw a clip of George Bush recently, taken in 2004, when he was joking about not finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. I didn't realise at the time how personally I'd been affected by that film - but in my response to you, I ended up talking about it seriously for the first time. And included a link to the film itself)

But it's too personal for the Revolution thread

I should extract what's relevant and post that here, I know. But I just can't separate it out like that.

Should I answer your post on the Death Diary?

I've been sitting here trying to figure it - but a bit like Edgar's computer - I'm stuck

Whatever, thanks Aidan - for giving me a reason to write it. I felt a lot calmer after I had - as though I'd needed to figure a few things out for myself, and writing them down helped me do that.

Endy

Hi Aidan

Well, I managed to extract all my political rantings.
Hope it makes sense to you


Dear Aidan

It is very kind of you to invite me (and Edgar) to visit you.
Who knows - maybe one day that will happen (although the thought of reading out any of my poetry to strangers scares the fricking hell out of me - and for now, would be impossible).
But do feel free to read a couple out for me some time - I'd love to know what reaction you got back!

To be honest, Aidan - I've cut myself off from people for a reason and although I've come to think of you and Edgar and Olga as being of great importance to me, I would have to be feeling a lot better than I do now to consider inflicting myself on any of you. Or of being prepared to swallow my pride and let any of you meet the man I am now.
You see, there was a time when I could talk the hind-leg off a donkey, woo women, hold a decent conversation with a Frenchman and even laugh out loud. Now? Well… let's just say, I'm unable to communicate with people as I once did. Ten minutes with me you'd be regretting you'd ever mentioned a poetry reading!
Of course there is a part of me that would love to be able to look Edgar in the eye and shake his hand, (it was his early comments here that got me really writing) to thank you and Olga in person for your support - but I'm just not ready yet.

As for getting published - okay. But it could only be as Endymion at this present time, and he is already published in a way - here!

For now, I wish to write anonymously.
This may sound cowardly, (and perhaps it is, because standing up for what you believe in often takes bravery) but please try to understand. I'm not ready to 'come out.'
I don't want to be restricted in what I write, by putting my name to it. If I did I'd never be able to express myself freely - as I can do now. I want no recognition, in fact there is no one in my life who knows I am Endymion.
(And a few who would laugh if you suggested it could be me writing this stuff.)

I've actually called the boxing day story 'fiction - based on personal experience.'
The hallucination of the little dead girl - that did not happen on boxing day, I'm glad to say.
I've have had help for hallucinations, (different to flashbacks) but they're a rare thing for me now. And I'm glad about that.

My reaction to being hugged by my neighbour (and he did call me son) was, in reality much more surprising than came across in the story. Although my poetry might suggest it, I am not a man who normally cries easily. I was weaned off showing my emotions at a very young age. So I was really shocked by my reaction. I had thought I was over it - not knowing about my parents.
For ages afterwards I was walking around with this pain in my gut that had me doubled over. In a strange way, I felt grief stricken - it wasn't until later that I knew the experience had also freed up something.

I decided to recount the experience for the Death Diary readers - to kind of give something of myself back. I'm glad you liked it, Aidan - and I'm sorry for your own pain, although I guess that is what makes us both write.

All the best
Endy

You really didn't have to do that. You can post anything you want here Endy.


You and me both. Can you believe I've been going for months now, and I've never read a thing at the open mike nights? I've only read a couple of things in my own little writing group.

I'll make you a deal. You pick one of yours that you'd especially like some feedback on (although at the poetry readings people pretty much uniformly just clap for everyone - everyone's very polite- but I can take it to my writing group and read it and get more in depth feedback) and you give me feedback the next part of my short story that I post. I'm feeling kind of stuck, because I really enjoy writing the initial male narrator's part more, so I like that part more, so the feminine voices sound sappy to me and I need HELP!
(Even if you don't do it, I'll still read one of your poems for feedback- so don't feel obligated, but I could use a clear-eyed male view on my feminine voices-I feel like I'm injecting too much of my very emotional self instead of creating a new character).

Okay - but I'm not about judgement Endy- so pride doesn't need to come into it. No pressure - I just want you to know that.

I highly doubt that, but again, whatever you feel comfortable with.

Okay.


Yeah, but I think your work deserves a wider audience.

Believe me, I more than understand.

Funny, I feel more constricted writing here. Because people who know me (some of whom I've told about Aidan- the whole crazy story ) know that when I write a love scene in a story, I'm not trying to seduce anyone and know that when I write about a mentally ill character, it's not me or anything like me - they accept it's just a story- because they know who I really am, and what I would do and would not do and what I am and what I'm not.
While on an internet forum, when you're just an anonymous screen name, there's more of a tendency to assume that what one writes is personal- or it's applied to that person purely by identification- because people don't know any different. They don't know the whole or real, true story and how so many of the things people write are so far from autobiographical- and it really is just plain old fiction.

I told my sister I did research on this erotic literature forum for a lesbian love scene in a story (I had no experience in that area and don't watch pornography, and I wanted to make it tasteful, etc. ) and she was like, "What's the name of it- tell me". We both ended up laughing hysterically about how interested in it she was. I love when that happens, separate people hold these things as deep, dark secrets until they actually tell someone and then they find they really don't have to be such deep, dark secrets.

My sister knows about me on this forum, as do two of my best friends. They've read, but haven't posted- neither of them are particularly creative and both have extremely busy lives.
I told them about it because I wanted input and feedback from people who "know" me.

I do that sometimes. I find it helps my writing, if like I said about your piece, I can pull up some personal emotion about a scene.

Yeah, that was a little disturbing- and actually- now that you mention it Endy, not that you're asking for critique, but I did feel that was the one jarring point of that piece. It just didn't fit with the rest (in my opinion).

I can imagine. The only time I had hallucinations was in reaction to a drug that was used on me during an operation for anesthesia- and it was awful-I was afraid to close my eyes.


My wish for you is continued healing.


Thanks Endy.

Hi Aidan

It's a long post this one. I hope you don't mind, but I kinda got into it




Aidan [I could use a clear-eyed male view]

I don't know about clear-eyed, Aidan, (blurry eyed maybe) but I'm into characterization and I'd love to be of some help. Your writing is very good, you know. I still remember something you wrote ages ago, about a woman working in a dress shop? (Sorry if I'm being thick, the details elude me, but) I've a sense of it still, like you sometimes get after watching a film.
I remember feeling uneasy reading it, because it felt like I was snooping somehow, on something so feminine, so intrinsically female - it was like stealing a peep into the secret realm of WOMAN. :smile:
Maybe reading through it again would be of some benefit to you if you're finding it hard to engage with your female characters? It's just a thought.

Of course I will read your latest story - and give any feedback I can.


Aidan [I think your work deserves a wider audience]

I have though of getting my own Blog out there - but I'd probably end up writing political satire all day and my poetry would be lost.
I suppose I could publish a book of poetry (if they'd have me) under the name Endymion and have a picture of myself wearing a balaclava on the back!


As for choosing a poem for you to read out at your meetings - I'm not sure… difficult one that.

Aidan [I feel more constricted writing here]

I hear what you're saying, but for me, it's like visiting a counsellor - you go and talk to that person because you don't want to dump all your personal stuff on the people around you while you try to figure it out and 'find yourself.'
As I am anonymous, what I write here is private.
Maybe thousands of people have read my stuff - but they don't know me and I don't know them.
I like that. It works for me.

It's like being a graffiti artist or something - like that chap Banksy. (Why haven't I got around to putting some of his work on the Revolution thread? He's perfect for it) He also remains anonymous - although his art and books are selling!

It might sound arrogant, but I see my poems going out into this mad world and doing their tiny wee bit to alter the balance.
(And that is a giant step up from feeling redundant and used up).

The thing is that I had to find somewhere I could go to get my stuff 'out' - otherwise I was going to become a big problem to the people around me.

What I write is truth. Not always factual - but always based on true personal experience.
I don't feel a need to defend myself on this.
'Truth' is a powerful thing. It stands up on its own. Only lies need to be defended - the truth just IS.
I know that a lot of people out there will recognise that truth for themselves and I hope (above all else) that somehow I just might be making a stand for others who (like me) have been traumatised by brutality.

Do you see that if I put my name to these poems - they would change and somehow be about me? I don't want that. These days people seem more interested in the artist than the art. Banksy knows what he's doing - if there's political art around with no face attached to it then it belongs to everyone -










where as, Tracy Emin's tent is Tracy Emin's tent.

The time of getting fame for your name on its own is over. Artwork that is only about wanting to be famous will never make you famous. Any fame is a by-product of making something that means something. You don't go to a restaurant and order a meal because you want to have a ****.

banksy


Of course there's another up side to anonymity - no hassle. I have great respect for those who are prepared to stand up in public and say the things I also feel a need to say but cannot, unless I write them down and post them here.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not ashamed of my poetry - only of my government, which led me down as a kid and today, forces me to criticise my country and its policies.
Believe it or not I am a patriotic person, and I do not want to see the UK become everything it's people once fought against in the thirties and forties - when millions of people died trying to end tyranny, racism and genocide - right now, I am sickened that we are acting like the goons we once despised.
There was a time when I was ignorant enough to not even see it.

I don't know what is going to happen next with my government, the war in Iraq, US global domination, nuclear weaponry, Africa, Gaza, etc etc
- but right now people are trying to resist fascist policies within their own governments in countries all around the world. I believe poetry and writing (and art) have a huge part to play in that.

(I'm going off on one again, so I'll shut up now)

I want you to know, Aidan - that you can trust me. I've been ignorant and rash in the past and I've done certain things I'm not proud of (who hasn't?) - but I believe in truth and justice.
I don't make friends that easily, because to be honest, my mind, my eyes are always focused beyond the faces of people around me - I can't stop looking out at the world.
Right now, my heart is in Iraq - and there's nothing I can do to change that.
I'm drawn to you because of your sensibilities and courage.
It's true I get very lonely here sometimes - but I'm not the kind of bloke to take advantage of people's compassion. Only admire it.

I've decided to write a poem about the film clip I mentioned earlier - so I'll go get on with it.
I'll look forward to reading more of your writing soon.
Good Luck with it.

Peace
Endy

ps thanks for giving me a reason to write about how I feel. One down side of not sharing my poetry with say, my therapist - is that I never get to talk about what the hell I'm doing here on a2k!

hope you like the Banksy art work

I do.

Thanks again Endy.

P.S.

Yeah, now that was autobiographical. That was me - I really worked in that place with the "Back Room" and I really knew that guy (except his name wasn't Dana- but his dog was named Fifi) and we really did have that discussion.

I think the problem I'm having with these current female characters is that I'm trying to make them different from me (non-sarcastic for instance, which is naturally a huge part of who I am, expecially in terms of humor) so to my ear they just come out sounding too sappy and emotional and not true to life or if true, not interesting at all.

Maybe I should inject a little sarcastic humor in it- even though it's serious- I don't know.

I did do some work on it the other night. When I get a cohesive bit, that I'm not embarrassed to share, I'll post it. Thanks in advance for looking at it. I like your writing style, so please feel free to critique. I really am looking for constructive criticism.

Thanks again for posting the artwork. It's so funny. You always inspire childhood memories in me. When I was a little girl, I had a recurring dream in which a red balloon featured prominently. I had gotten a red helium balloon from my friend's birthday party and I brought it home and my brother stole it from me and took it outside and let it go and I was so despondent (this was when helium balloons were a huge deal, you didn't get them at every birthday party- I was about five).
Anyway, I had a dream about it (it went on from there and was about more than just having my balloon stolen ) and I dreamed that dream on occasion for years.

I love Bansky's depiction of it-it's a happy image. Like she's choosing to send it off to do it's work in the world. Also like the guy throwing the flowers- what a concept. He's a genius.
Did he do the petrol tank as gun? That's a pretty stark truth, clearly stated.

Anyway, as always, thanks...I'd never see or know half of this stuff without you Endy.

Sentences

We walk from space to space
beneath the gray.
Walls climb high into the once
abstract sky
that's been reduced,
contained- defined.

I saw a blue door. I felt the sun
on your skin.
I dreamt I left the gate unlocked.

Hi Aidan - I'm glad you liked the 'girl and balloon' images



It's all Banksy's work and yeah, I think you're right - the guy's a genius.

ps - the photograph of the church is very grand - the yellow lychen on the roof is a beautiful contrast to the door beneath. I believe you have an eye for colour and contrast. Do you paint at all? Landscapes for instance?

Hey Endy-How're you? That was just the coolest little church. It's stuck out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by fields, and it just rises up from out of the levels (Somerset levels, right outside of Glastonbury). On that particular day, because it was so overcast and threatening rain, it reminded me of something out of a Stephen King story. I'd like to go back on a sunny day and get a different perspective and view of it.



I wish. I do love color and contrast, but my hands are just incapable of creating what my mind's eye sees. That's one of the frustrations of my life- I would love to be able to paint and draw, but I just really don't possess those gifts or skills. That's why my camera is such a great tool for me, because I am an extremely visual person, in every way, right down to how I integrate information and learn it, so I am happy to have a means of creatively expressing myself through a visual medium.

How about you? Do you paint/draw/produce any sort of visual art?
*Edited to add- thank you for the compliment about the photo".

Hi Aidan

You certainly have more talent with a camera than I have with a pencil or pen and I'd like to talk more about 'art' with you sometime - when I've got my head screwed on a bit better! Yes, I've been 'sketching' since I was a kid (and I have sketches to go with many of my poems). But I'm no artist.

Right now, I'm struggling a bit with this and that.
(I really don't want to mess up your great thread here by yakking on about me )

If I disapear for a while - please don't think I've forgotten you - I'm just off on one again and don't wish to disturb you - and thanks Aidan, I'll visit here again soon if that's okay with you?

peace
Endy

ps So you read Stephen King too. D'you have a favorite story? (I'm just curious)
King's favorite is 'The Dead Zone'. (apt today )
I'm a fan of his short storys - 'The Long Walk' (Bachman books)is a favorite of mine.

Endy- I never really got into Stephen King very much until I lived in Bangor, Maine for a while which is where he lives. I met him at a little league game once, and was so impressed by what a nice, regular guy he is-little strange- but in my opinion- that's what makes it all so interesting.

Bangor is this little working class city in the middle of Maine, and if you look at a map of Maine, you'll see that it's one of the northernmost populated outposts in what is the northernmost state in the US on the east coast. North of Bangor, the highways (and the people) become few and far between. It's mostly logging roads that run through acres and acres of dark, evergreen forests- it's paper mill country.

Maine, north of Portland, (Bangorites consider Portland- Maine's largest city, in the southern part of the state- to be part of Massachusettes, whose residents they call "massholes") is like a little country unto itself. I've never lived anywhere else that's quite so unique. In some ways it's very insular, and I was really kind of afraid to move there at first (I'm kind of a city person, before I moved to Maine, I'd never lived in a city that had a population of less than 150,000 people-we moved to Maine into a small town that had less than 4,000 people). But I did, and I ended up loving it. It's full of very rugged individualists- characters if you will- my very favorite kind of people.

Native Mainers are a breed unto themselves. They even have a saying that goes, "A cat can have kittens in the oven, but that don't make them buiscuits"- meaning a non-native Mainer, someone who wasn't born there but moved there can have a child in Maine, and even that child is not considered a native Mainer. They call anyone who comes from any other state someone who is from "away". They don't care where- it's all the same to them- you're not from Maine, you're from "away".

But once they've accepted you - you're accepted for life. Talk about loyalty- I don't know about you, but that's a trait that was instilled in me by my mother- and I always look for it in friends. Mainers are loyal to the death. I appreciate that. And boy, do they appreciate individualism. For the first time in my life, it was while living there that I discovered people who believed it was okay to be whatever you are. As long as you were a good, kind person- whatever else you chose to be was none of their business. If you want to wear overalls with no shoes and walk around in the snow (as someone I knew did) or if you wanted to wear a winter coat in the summer and walk for miles in circles around town (as someone I knew did), they figure you must have your own reason and they leave you to it- after they've made sure there's nothing they can do to help you do it more comfortably.
By the second month I lived there, everyone in town knew me and I knew everyone in town. At first the lack of anonymity kind of freaked me out- people I didn't even know would walk up to me in the park and say things like, " I like the new color you painted your shutters" and I'd think, "how do they know where I live?" but I realized it had it's rewards when the librarian called me up and said, "Rebecca, your books are due today. Are you able to make it in, or do you just want me to renew them for you?"

Stephen King ( a native Mainer) captures that perfectly in his work. I'm not much into the whole horror thing he does, but I do think he's an engrossing writer. And I do love reading about the small towns populated by Mainers that he depicts. I know those towns- and I know those people-
especially Orland- a little town outside of Bangor where he lived in poverty while he was trying to get published. I lived there too.

Maine is scenically very, very beautiful. If you ever have the chance to go, grab it. If I ever get the chance to live there again, I plan to. If you're someone who believes in individuality, and loves nature and the outdoors, you can't beat it- at least not within the continental US.

Funny you should mention "The Long Walk". I go on another forum sometimes and there's this really interesting poster there who just posted something about that story. I'd never read it before, but he inspired me to.
My favorite movies from Stephen King stories are Shawshank Redemption (which I just love- and love doesn't even describe it-I just treasure that story) and I like Delores Claiborne. Part of it are the actors in those movies- I think Morgan Freeman and Tim Roth are both geniuses and Kathy Bates is one of my favorite actresses- but a lot of it is Stephen King and his ability to create these characters that I recognize immediately and fall in love with.

I can't believe you went away. Everyone I talk to on here is going somewhere for a while apparently- I'll try not to take it personally . But anyway- I worked on my story. Got another little cohesive bit together. Will you come back for a minute if I post it and read it and comment? It's called "The Plan" ( in case you forgot the title).

Thanks Endy - take care- Rebecca (Aidan)

Hi Aidan

thanks for letting me know about Maine - sorry I'm late getting back to you.
I'd still like to read your story - if possible


Endy

Hey Endy- Really glad to hear you're back- it just didn't feel like the same place with you gone. I read your post on Molly Ivins. What a great woman. I know she's at peace- probably sitting around with Ann Richards, Linda Ellerbee, Ed Bradley- hanging out at happy hour, having a beer, talking shop... it'd be nice to think so wouldn't it?

I also realized I meant Tim Robbins, not Tim Roth in Shawshank Redemption. I always do that- I don't know if I'm thinking of Phillip Roth or what- but I say Tim Roth instead of Tim Robbins every single time.

I have to go back and reread what I wrote on my story. I'll post it if I feel comfortable enough.

Again, it's just so nice to know you're around again. You are missed when you're not here.

Hi Aidan

I feel like I've been off on a long walk of my own (I did a fair bit of that the last week or so).
Thanks for a kind greeting back and thanks for sharing your name. Can I use it the next time we 'speak'?


I often find myself doing that - especially when the names are similar (Tim R)- and sometimes when they're nothing alike.
For some reason I get the names Al Gore and Karl Rove muddled (the only similarity I can see is that they share 5 of the same letters) - it's a bad mistake to make - for obvious reasons!

I envy you working on your story. I'm so caught up in world events right now that even though I really wish I could 'get into' writting something a bit longer than a poem, I can't stay focused for long on any one thing.
I feel restless - like there's a big change coming (and who'd be suprised)

I wrote a poem while I was off line. I'll post it on the Death Diary sometime soon. I might ask for feedback on this one - because it 'feels' different to my other stuff - it's more symbolic for a start
Well, I'd best go look at it - see how many typing errors I've made!
You are right not to post your work until you're comfortable with it (and maybe I should learn not to post until I'm sober, looking back at my threads)!

Thanks again for your support,
Peace
Endy