****
I've been staring at a blank space for nearly an hour
i don't know what to say Olga
I don't know how to make it all alright
but thank you for making me feel less alone
Endy
I really will check out that author - thanks for the reminder, Dlowan
Hang in there, Endy.
If you can't write just now, you'll be able to at some later time.
And you're not alone here, you know. Lots of folks are reading your poems.
Take good care of yourself, OK?
Olga
There have been plenty of times when, like you, I've felt someone else's pain - and I respect you for having the courage to acknowledge it, but I don't want you or anyone else to feel bad because of me.
(I can do enough of that myself)
Very soon I will begin to write the really black **** I feel very deep inside - the anger the guilt the ugly f*cking truth.
It's building up. I can feel it.
It's a volcano of rage
This place is my only sounding board and I think, if I really wrote that ****, I'd lose some friends (and I don't have many) and make some enemies.
But if I don't write it and get it out there, how do I deal with it?
I said at the start this was a kind of therapy, and I was right.
I'm not asking for help - I'm trying to help myself here - I'm trying to understand the damage- so I can mend it.
Sorry, Olga
Don't please, feel obliged to say anything (I'm sure it makes no sense at all, anyway)
Olga, I'm in a quandary
How can I write and post the really black stuff, if you're going to worry about me when I do?
On the other hand - I'm very glad you are there because I don't think I can get through this entirely on my own.
See? A quandary.
Please, don't worry, Olga. I'm a lot tougher than i sound and like i've said before - i'm a survivor.
Peace,
Endy
Endy, I was
wondering about whether you preferred people to respond to your writings or not. I was actually going to ask you about that. Thank you for telling us. Sometimes, after I've been reading for a few pages, I've felt the need to say: "Hello, in case you're wondering, Endy, there are still folk here reading your poems. In case you were wondering!" Just so you know that.
Please continue when you're ready & no doubt we'll continue reading.
And I'll try not to worry. (Though I'm famous for it!:wink:)
Greetings to you on this utterly beautiful sunny Saturday morning, Endy.
-Olga
Just post it, endy. Don't ever quit.
death
The darkests spaces can be the most enlightening
see the vision and pursue the final destination
whether it be casket or reunions
Evil
You punished any sign of fear
Despised it
Or so you said
But looking back
I wonder
True
Fear would enrage you
"Be a f*cking man"
You'd shout
Stand up to me
"Hold your fists out!"
Challenge you?
Of course back then
I never did
Back then, I wished to live
These days I understand
Your need to see
That unresisting fear in me
To taste and smell and breathe it
It was a dirty secret
Like the war trophies you hid
But meant me to see
You called me a coward
But how can that be?
I was eight years old the first time
You held a gun on me
********************
In country fields
You taught me
How to be a good soldier
Told me stories
That made me sick in the night
Trained me in manoeuvres
And taught me how to fight
How to fall
How to climb
How to leave my fear behind
Somewhere along the line
You began to attack my mind
*********************
Remember the smashed window?
I do
The football rising up toward the house
The unbelievable shock
As it disappeared through glass
With a sound that grabbed my heart
When you shouted
Cursed my name
It was your voice
Dark with rage
That triggered my pride
And got me walking
To where you were stalking
In the dimming light
Fists held tight
At that moment I remembered
Everything you'd ever taught me
I was only ten
But already I could take my mind
Outside my body
So that it was not me
You grabbed and dragged
Into the hall
It was not me you kicked
And punched in the back
And when you pulled open
The stair cupboard door
It was not me
You threw through the gap
But it was me who sat
Alone in the dark
And it was me that listened
To the hollow voice in my heart
**********************
I had a children's bible
The pictures were good
Blood and guts and gore
For sure
But the message was understood
My prayers to God
Were clumsy
Desperate
And in good faith
But I found no Gods
Or angels
In that place
Only Evil
In the contours of your face
Endymion 2006
Statement
*********
We suffer for this war
Friends
Gone forever
A million shall pass unseen
And in the bloody streets
There are no winners
We pay the price
For the scoundrel sinners
Who hide behind an old trick
To get their wars
Billions have walked this way before
Many have tried to warn us
Those who saw the futility
And were scorned by us
Yet I cannot scorn the voice of Owen
Reaching down through time
And I shall not speak silent
Of this war of yours and mine
For this is war
Between our conscience
And a terrible crime
Endymion 2006
Biblical
Death
(X-II)
1
She pleads with them in the night
Curfew
And the district's locked down tight
Pain exposed
In a wide-eyed stare
Her face a child's
Brave and scared
Her waters bled
Her agony evident
But Orders are Orders
No vehicle to be found
No easy way
Three miles across town
When her hands drop to the ground
They say
It isn't their problem
He should forget her
Get back to his zone
Like them
He has his Orders
Figures gather in the street
Women woken
From haunted sleep
Her startling screams
Ring out
Strike deep
In the heart
Things are coming apart
In this dangerous dark
The guards feed the rage in his eyes
Unmoved
By her rising desperate cries
As brutal pains
Hit hard and strong
She hates him loves him
Her hands cling on
But there's no dilation
And he's not qualified
To perform
A bloody street-caesarean
The attending women beg him
Gesture frantic
Questions without ending
Towards the checkpoint
Towards the guards
He understands
The truth is hard
The truth is grief
It's a few easy minutes
To the nearest clinic
And this is barbarism
Beyond belief
Yet still the guards shake their heads
Makes no difference
It's like we said
No one goes through
No one at all
What can he say to that?
What can he do?
It's already been said
Get it through your head
Orders are Orders
She grinds her teeth
Her gums are bared
Her flesh hardens
Her mad eyes stare
Desperate
And tormented
She bends in pain
Her heart is strained
Her youth is smashed
By the endless drain
Soon she screams
A dead man's name
He bitter knows
He's changed forever
Nothing will ever
Be the same
The guards sneer
To see him coming
Frantic and bloody
Suddenly he's running
To beseech them
F'uck the shame
Just stop it with your stupid f'ucking games
What's in your brains?
She'll die
She'll die tortured by the pain
But they just shake their heads
Again
And again and again
Like robots with corrupted mains
Big-big men with little shame
Stupid f'ucks with **** for brains
Their words the same
Orders are Orders are Orders
2
Sometimes he wakes in the night
And screams
F'UCK YOUR ORDERS !!
And sticks his gun
In their stupid, arrogant faces
F'uck the consequences
No speekie da language?
Hell, he couldn't even pronounce
Her f'ucking name
How many years must a man cry for shame?
To win her trust
Then helpless watch her die
How can he possibly justify
Her death in Orders?
Orders are Orders?
Well F'UCK your Orders
Endymion 2006
Note
The Nuremberg trials after the 2nd World War established that obeying illegal orders was no defence against charges of war crimes.
(The Geneva Convention states clearly the duty of an occupying force to protect a country's civilian population - pregnant women, young children, the elderly or disabled to be afforded special protection)
The Nuremberg Principles established in 1950 ended forever the classic defence of just obeying orders.
Principle IV states
"The fact that a person acted pursuant to order of his Government or of a superior, does not relieve him from responsibility under international law, provided a moral choice was in fact possible to him."
Endy - I can't even express how these poems affected me. Your writing is more polished and powerful with every poem you post.
thanks everyone who's posted
think i'll just keep going here for a while (although i've a feeling some of my stuff might be **** tonight)
I can't talk much right now, but i'm glad to hear from you
peace
Endy
No Joke
*******
Okay
So I ain't the same
Drinking tequila
Like a mad mother f*cker
I bend the strings
In this cold-war-game
You wanna talk about death?
You wanna taste of the dope?
Feel the hand of the snake
Coil like iron
Round your stammering throat?
Wanna check out this ****?
Drop hot coals on a long trip?
The clothes still fit
But my head ain't where it should be
Someone stole it
That ain't no joke
Feel so lonely
But keep away from me
Things ain't like they should be
F*ckers smoked me
Endymion 2006
Mad Distraction
(Poem to a dead lover)
******************
You sit beside me
When the drugs have washed me out
Kiss my eyes shut
Make me hunger for your mouth
Whisper my name
In the deep dead-of-night
And if I scream the dream
You hold me tight
You take away my breath
When tender eyes
Search my face
Cool fingers trace the lines
Sometimes I feel confused
By your forward retraction
Woman, you are a mad distraction
Endymion 2006
The Light
*********
This light that shines
From afar
On the distant plain
Is not a God
Nor an activist bonfire
But one brown eye
Staring out from the shroud
A spirit
Forced into war
By greed
By evil
By the powerful
Who dismiss the sanctity
Of a stranger's life
As long as they can buy diamonds for the wife
As long as they can sit back
And admire their wonderful life
I see the light
It winks from black pitch
Like a memory
A dead child's eye staring out at me
Endymion 2006
The Dream
**********
The dream is rolling thunder
An echo of voices
Words spoken over time
Laughter under the ringing bell
Flashes of light
Figures turning
Twisting in the watery mist
Out of this comes death
The roar of a meteor
Snapping him awake
One hand held to his chest
Sitting upright in the gloom
He sees
The crouching horror in the corner
Unfolding
And he screams
Raises his arms
To protect his eyes
As shadows bloom
And he wakes
To fear
Endymion 2006
The Return of the Judge
**********************
Water-boarding
Is not a seaside sport
They do not sell
Water-boards
In surf shops
With a book of instructions
(American accent)
Take your man 'n'
Lay him on a board
Strap him down
(And you'll need to, he'll fight death)
And remember folks.......
Balance is everything
Now, think about this:
A kid's see-saw see?
Grab the board by his feet
One
two
three
Ali-up
Raise the board
And praise the Lord
And halle-f*cking-luiah
Plunge him headfirst into water
Science at its best
Believe me, that little man
Will piss himself with fright
Hours of fun
For the cheap price of a life
Watch his saucer eyes
Terrified surprise
Watch the air from his lungs rise
What?
Can't bear to see the effect?
Simple
Stick a bag over his head
His body will convulse
His hands will stretch wide
Try one for size
At a leading prison camp near by
Warning
Water-boarding
Is not a seaside sport
It's a medieval torture
Called 'dunking'
Favoured during the contrived 'witch-hunt'
When the judge
Whipped up fear through superstition
So listen
How far have we come since then?
That we'd still do such a thing to a man?
Endymion 2006
The Beacon
There is a light up on the hill
A glowing beacon of the mind
I watch from this dark window
Alone with the marrow
Of my conscience
Its distant warmth unreachable
From within this frozen cell
It speaks to me of truths
Of natures holy gift
Of happiness forgotten
And of pain
Claimed by a nation
In this un-consecrated grave
Below the tide of my vision
Where no one can be saved
And only the moment
Is precious
Endymion 2006
Some Lyrics
***************************************
***************************************
Fantastic Vision
I've got no-nothing, girl
I've got nothing left to give
Guess I'll see you
From a distance watch you
Girl, you know its time to live
Without me you see
The future's written
You are a fantastic vision
Yeah - You know the score
You've walked this way too many times before
Seen me raging
In all the wrong places
Watched me bend the shadows
Ripping out my heart to kill the faces
You never seem to get enough
Waiting on my love
Must be tough
But girl, I ain't gona come to you
Y'see
I'm a little hollow
Like an empty pillow
I don't have enough
To hold you up
Cos
I've got no-nothing girl
I've got nothing left to give
Guess I'll see you
From a distance watch you
Girl you know it's time to live
Without me you see
The future's written
You are a fantastic vision
Yeah - You know the score
Seen my brains kicked down the corridor
I know you listened in the night
To my confession
That ain't a problem
My pride's long broken
My motto spoken
If you've got 'em in your sights
F*cking smoke 'em, burn 'em bright
Can't you see?
There ain't no good guy hidden
I ain't kidding
Girl, you'd better keep away
From me
Cos
I've got no-nothing girl
I've got nothing left to give
Guess I'll see you
From a distance watch you
Girl, you know its time to live
Without me you see
The future's written
You are a fantastic vision
Endymion 2006
Winter
Mist rises from the soil
I stand and observe the sun
Slipping silently free of the white
Horizon. Its glinting gold light
A pale projection
Spanning shadows
Stretched over sculptured fields
Where silhouetted trees
Gather rooks to sleeping branches
This is the belly of winter
Love's darkest season
Endymion 2006
