Babies cues

Mrs. I, Good for you, offering a community course in childcare!

Your question about responding to cues immediately opens a philosophical issue. Babies try to give one cues all the time. If you respond to all of them, you are going to have a very impatient and cranky little character on your hands. The first order of business for the caretaker would seem to be learning to sort out which cues demand attention and action--whether a hug or a clean diaper or, God forbid, a call to the doctor.

In our experience, babies need to start learning to be increasingly self-sufficient, a process that continues through a child's growing up. If you pick up a baby every time it cries, this child is not going to learn how to amuse himself or herself. Also, if you pick up a baby at every cry, it's you who are being trained (to run yourself ragged). It's very tempting--I remember vividly when I was a new father--to pick up a baby who cries, because we love the child, and we tend misatakenly to equate all crying with real distress. My wife and I had to learn that there were occasions when it was important to leave our daughters in their cribs and let them cry it out. It is truly miserable sitting there for what seems forever while your baby cries herself to sleep, but, quite rapidly, the baby learns that you will not be coming every time she cries (unless it's a cry of pain, which you learn to recognize), and she will start going to sleep quickly when it's naptime.

Our first grandbaby is now 15 months old, and our older daughter and her husband have taught HER some very useful cues. They have taught her ASL (American Sign Language) for the words: please, thank you, more, no thank you, sleepy, and a few others. Very young children want to communicate--and can understand the concepts, but their physical ability to form intelligible speech lags frustratingly behind their desires and thoughts. These few words of ASL have brought our granddaughter large pleasure and have made her and her parents' life simpler.

Hope these few observations are useful. Good luck with your class!

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One interesting thing about childcare is that the expert advice varies from generation to generation. So the "if you pick a baby up every time it cries" advice above is advice that I know a lot of people in my parents' generation followed, and I think this generation turned out OK, overall. ;-)

Meanwhile, the prevailing wisdom today (which is of course subject to being debunked/ adjusted in turn) is that it is impossible to spoil a baby. A child, yes, but not a baby.

Quote:

Few parents make it through their offspring's babyhood without being told that all their efforts to nurture and respond to their baby will surely spoil her. And if it's not spoiling that they're warned against, they're told not to let themselves be "manipulated" by baby. Attachment parenting is not the same as indulgently giving your child everything she asks for. We stress that parents should respond appropriately to their baby's needs, which means knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no." Sometimes in their zeal to give children everything they need, it's easy for parents to give their children everything they want, and this is indeed harmful. Parents must learn to distinguish between a child's needs and a child's wants.

Yet, telling the difference between needs and wants is not a problem that parents have to wrestle with during their early months of parenting. In the beginning, wants and needs are the same. During the first several months of life, a baby's wants are a baby's needs. A consistent "yes" response teaches babies trust, which will make them more accepting of "no" later on, when they start wanting things they should not have. If you learn to know your baby by responding readily to his needs in the early months, you'll have a good sense of when it's appropriate to say no later on.

New parents often ask, "Won't holding our baby a lot, responding to cries, nursing our baby on cue, and even sleeping with our baby spoil her?" Or they ask if this kind of parenting will create an overly dependent, manipulative child? Our answer is an emphatic no. In fact, both experience and research have shown the opposite. Attachment fosters eventual interdependence. A child whose needs are met predictably and dependably does not have to whine and cry and worry about getting his parents to do what he needs.

-snip-

Attachment studies have spoiled the spoiling theory. Researchers Drs. Bell and Ainsworth at John Hopkins University studied two sets of parents and their children. Group A were attachment-parented babies. These babies were securely attached, the products of responsive parenting. Group B babies were parented n a more restrained way, with a set schedule and given a less intuitive and nurturing response to their cues. All these babies were tracked for at least a year. Which group do you think eventually turned out to be the most independent? Group A, the securely attached babies. Researchers who have studied the affects of parenting styles on children's later outcome have concluded, to put it simply, that the spoiling theory is utter nonsense.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t100200.asp

That's certainly been borne out in our experience so far. We attended to our baby whenever she cried, anytime, if only to hold her for a while until she calmed down. I have an extremely independent 4.5-year-old, who accepts "no" just fine. Sleeps well through the night and always has, with no crying it out. Etc.

Sometimes I think that the specific method is almost irrelevant, as long as the parenting is done with love and patience. I came to some rather definite conclusions about what I would and wouldn't be doing as a parent and why in the course of getting my master's degree in education, but have found plenty of people who were raised the "wrong" way (note quotes) who turned out beautifully.

So I'm not necessarily saying that the above is the right way -- though it's worked well for us -- just getting that in there.

Hearty agreement on the ASL part -- sozlet's been signing since she was 6 months old, and that helped a ton with reading her cues.

At any rate, summary of how I responded to her cues -- always responded in some way, often well before the crying stage, and just kind of gradually figured out what cue meant what. A lot of it was context -- when was the last time she ate? When was the last time she slept? When was the last time she'd been outside? Etc.

I can try to remember some specific non-crying cues if you'd like, not sure if I'll be able to!

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Sozobe, You puts things SO much more gracefully than me! Of course, as you say it so well, "the specific method is almost irrelevant, as long as parenting is done with love and patience." 100% agreement with that!

Our older daughter is using a technique called Baby Wise, which is quite traditional (close to the way I was brought up, a LONG time ago). I read our daughter's guide book, and, except for the highly-specific religious dimension (which I found obtrusive, and which leads a number of folks to equate BWise with some kind of totalitarian rule!), I thought it made good sense. And, as a supportive parent, I encouraged our daughter to go with it, because its logic appealed to her. It's working very well. Our grandbaby is a joyful, well-mannered little kid, who laughs a lot.

HOWEVER, I know friends who have had great success with "attachment parenting," and I like very much the phrase you quote about parent's learning to distinguish between a child's needs and a child's wants." My reference to an analogous process in BW was not nearly as nicely put. And I do agree that the distinction between needs and wants becomes much more important as a baby enters childhood.

The guide my mother used with me was BARTLETT'S BABY BOOK. Dr. B. was a predecessor of Dr. Spock. Bartlett had you raising a young soldier, if your baby were a boy, and a little mother-of-the-future, if your baby were a girl)! Rules were strict. WAY strict! But, of course, this gave my poor mother the extra time she needed to follow Dr. B's feeding advice--which, among other delights, required her to cook lamb chops, then put them through a fine grinder! But, hey, this approach didn't manage to ruin my young life--although I still felt sorry for my mother when I found the book.

I would say that any approach that is truly rigid is less than ideal, even if you know your parents love you. Having one's parents be predictable is positive--but, rigid, no. Loving, patient, reasonable--in that order--seems part of many styles of good parenting.

Sozlet is lucky to have you as her mom!

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Types of Cries: Hungry, Wet, Lonely
Deciphering and soothing your baby's cries

Babies use different types of cries to express their needs. Learning to read a baby's cries is a skill that all parents should acquire in order to respond effectively to the child's needs.
HUNGER
Hunger is the most common cause of crying. Babies say "I'm hungry" with a low-pitched, rhythmic cry that repeats a pattern of short cry, brief pause, short cry, pause. The sound is less shrill than other cries, and sounds demanding rather than desperate. This cry is often preceded by finger sucking, lip smacking or nudging.

TIREDNESS
The fatigue cry is a wailing sound with a definite vibrato. This cry gradually builds up in intensity and often has a continuous and nasal quality.

BOREDOM
Babies say "I'm lonely and bored" with a cry that is whiny and whimpering; sometimes it almost sounds like a moan. This cry stops abruptly when the infant is picked up.

PAIN
This cry begins suddenly and is high-pitched and shrill. The cry is loud and long (as long as four seconds), which leaves the infant breathless. This cry is followed by a dramatic, lengthy pause (as long as seven seconds) as the baby catches her breath again. The baby's arms and legs may flail and then jerk tensely back into the body. This cry is nonstop and uncontrollable.

ILLNESS
Sick babies signal their discomfort with a prolonged cry. The cry sounds weak, whiny and nasal. It is generally lower in pitch than a pain cry. The cry can more readily be identified as a signal of illness when it is considered together with changes in the baby's appearance and behavior. The baby may have a flushed face, appear listless, refuse to eat, have diarrhea and avoid cuddling.

COLIC
Colic crying is readily identifiable because it generally occurs like clockwork every afternoon or evening, lasts for several hours each time, and the baby is not readily consolable.

IRRITABILITY
Irritable babies cry on and off all day long and often wake crying during the night, as well. Soothing techniques work better with these babies than with colicky infants.

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Non-crying cues: sticking the tongue out, rooting, mouthing/sucking fingers. All of these are hunger cues.

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I am greatly impressed that there is a Crying Baby Institute. Talk about valuable research! Thanks, DrewDad, for posting this excellent cue-list (in which I recognized several of the patterns and regretted not having this guide when our kids were babies) and the link to the full article.

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Yes, very cool!

We were recently at a party with a very little baby and the very little baby's very new parents. The baby was unhappy. I could see that the baby was unhappy but was also watching other people as we conversed -- wasn't looking at the baby. I noticed my husband's jaw was tight and he signed to me, "That baby is hungry!" The parents fussed with this and that for a long time while the baby continued to yowl and E.G. tried to figure out if he should say something. Finally a grandmother type who was there spoke up, a bottle was produced, and the baby was a happy baby.

Afterwards, the group we were in, which happened to all be experienced parents, said that they could totally tell from the pitch of the cry that it was hunger.

Bartlett's baby book! I've heard of that. And yet, YOU obviously turned out beautifully, Miklos. :-) Completely agreed about anything truly rigid.

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Doesn't it seem rather heavily instinctive? I don't think I read a single baby / parenting book, because it all came so naturally. Not sure how I determined the need / want based on my own raising and learned parenting having had 4 different mothers as I was growing up. Non seemed overly attentive, unless my own mother was attentive and I learned it from her. But, I only lived with her until I was 3 1/2 or so.

Doesn't seem like it would be an easy thing to teach.

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squinney wrote:

Doesn't seem like it would be an easy thing to teach.

I dont know that it is possible to teach parent ' gut feelings'
How DO you explain.. that cry means hunger? By time of day? weeeelllllll... THAT doesnt always apply. By body position? Hmm.. nope, wrong again. Babies have no control over their muscles for the greater part of 6 months.
How do you explain the pain in your heart when your baby is crying from being lonely? Scared? Uncomfortable? You cant. But it is a feeling that makes you react in the exact way your child needs. Even if you have not slept for more then 2 hours at a time for the past week.
How can you explain the shared anxiety parents and babies have? When a baby is over stimulated and gets so anxious they cant stop crying ? Wont eat? And yet the mom or dad 's nerves become as shot as the babies?
A baby cries from being tired and momma knows immediatly what to do. It can be 11 am or midnight, but mommy knows baby is tired. With out second thought, or opening a book, she scoops baby up , hugs them a little tighter to give them a snuggled feeling that always comforts them to sleep.
How do you teach that?
:-)

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Not exactly the same, but I have found it quite interesting watching our female with her puppies over the last couple of months.

She tended to their every need, wimper, movement for the first ouple of weeks, including "holding it" herself until hours after she should have gone outside. We had to actually move the puppy filled box outside for her to go potty, and then bring them back in.

As they grew, she would hear a wimper, put her ears up, look to see what was happening, and then either go to them or continue her nap within earshot.

Now we are down to one puppy who will stay with us / her. He's only 8 1/2 weeks old, but he follows her everywhere. She's almost 5, but she plays like a puppy with him. Over the last week, he has become quite mobile and we have started opening the door and saying "outside, go potty" which Mommy dog knows. Puppy didn't follow. She went out, looked back, came back in to nudge him, I repeated "Outside, go potty" and she went out, looked back and came back in to get him. Finally, on the third try, she got him to follow her. He saw her go potty, and he did the same.

The same thing is happening with "wanna bone" for a treat when they come inside after pottying. She comes to get her bone from me in the kitchen. If he doesn't follow, she goes back to get him and I repeat the phrase as I give it to him.

Don't know if she is trying to teach him so he can avoid the trouble she got into during potty training, or if it's just instinct. But, like humans, I would guess a lot of it is just built into the system.

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Babies cues

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