Extended families, when should the step-paren get involved?

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Greetings A2Kers,

I have a little dilemma..I say little because I don't want to get all worked up and upset with myself or my husband. We both have children from previous marriages. Mr.. O has 2 girls 19 & 10, my boys are 13 & 10.

My boys live with us and visit their bio-dad once night a week and every other weekend. Mr.. O's little one visits us every other weekend. We worked it out to where we have all three kids on the same weekend. Giving us every other weekend to spend alone.. (That's nice, because w/ the kids there we don't spend lots of quality time alone)

So the three younger ones get along, they don't agree on everything but what siblings bio or step do?

The issue at hand is the 19 yr old (Red). She stopped talking, rather communicating with Mr.. O over a yr ago. In the beginning it was hard for him not to hear from her but after time he just accepted that she didn't want him in her life. I've tried to be there for him but it's been very hard. When she called and told him off, I tried to tell him she needed time on her own. I told him when she hit rock bottom she'd be back.. because girls always call their dad.

Red dropped out of high school, ran away with some old man she met at a skate rink and was traveling around the country with him. She lived with her bio-mom (Dee). Dee finally threw her and all her stuff out of the house because Red wouldn't get a job, didn't want to help out around the house and demanded that she get a car. Dee gave in and gave Red her old car, which Red sold when she ran away with "grandpa".

Anyhow, about a month ago she called Mr.. O to ask for money. She claimed her "boyfriend" was out of town and she didn't have money for food. Of course he said okay, and me being the fast thinker I am.. I told him to call her back and tell her we'd buy her the food but we were not giving her any $. We haven't seen her in almost two years, we don't know where or who she lives with. What if she were to use that money to buy drugs or whatever...

Long story short, she drove to our house and Mr.. O took her to the store to buy the food. I tried to keep an open mind but I could just tell that everything she was telling Mr.. O was a lie. She said "grandpa" kicked her out and that she moved in with her boyfriend Jason. Now she's living out in Palm Springs which is about 1 hr from our house. She said she fell in love with Jason and that he took her in but that she had to pull her own weight or she was out.

She has gotten tattoos allover her body I guess that's better than the face piercings she had before. So all that happens in early Aug. and Mr.. O's b-day was on 8/24, she didn't call him and it really hurt him Crying or Very sad

. Now 2 weeks ago she calls Mr.. O again (while we are on vacation) and tells him things with Jason are getting bad. Mr.. O looks at me and I said fine she can stay with us.

For a 19 year old she has a lot of baggage. Not kids but lies she's told and has to continue... so she thinks. "Grandpa" supposedly bought her a car, that he now wants back and she claimed he gave it to her out of the kindness of his heart. :wink:

Not funny but I did tell Mr.. O all of this before Red ever called him. When she came over I could see what kind of life she had been living. It's apparent to anyone that she is on drugs, and that she goes from man to man as long as she doesn't have to grow up or get a job.

I want to support my husband and I know if one of my kids needed my, our help I would expect him to support me. Of course there would be terms and conditions to us providing help to any of the kids. The truth is she and I ended in bad terms and I don't know if she'd like me giving her terms and conditions. I just think if Dee couldn't control her then why would she listen to me? Red is 19 and I'm 32, that's an age gap but not enough for her to see me as an authority figure... Or is it?

Last night Red called Mr.. O again and told him Jason was going to meet up with "grandpa" and work something out with him so Red can keep the car. Mr.. O asked who'd be paying the Ins.. of course not Red...
I work at a very large company and have friends within the Co. that would give her a job...

When Mr.. O told her to just come home and that we'd help her find a good job she said no. She told him if she came home now she'd be depending on us and wouldn't be doing it on her own. Kind of contradicts what she is doing right now.. Living with another man that pays her way... I just hope she doesn't get hurt or ends up with kids and or STD's.. Mr.. O told her that our door would always be open...

I don't know that I feel the same way. Am I wrong? Do we wait until our kids hit rock bottom before we shut the door? I mean, what if she's addicted to drugs, owes people tons of money, or gets in some other kind of trouble... do we bring her in and let the other three kids think it's okay because we'll be there to pick up the pieces? Or do we say now is your chance, come home find a good job and move out when you know you can afford it?

Any suggestions, thoughts or advice?

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As stepmother of six, the basic rule is "You get an opinion, but not a vote."

No matter what you say or what your husband does, Red will have to construct/reconstruct her own life.

Listen to your husband's anguish, give your opinion when asked for, and bite your tongue the rest of the time.

She has two parents--she doesn't need a third Authority Figure to rebel against. If possible, treat her as a responsible adult. If she's under your roof, insist on house rules.

Play "the heavy" only if your husband agrees or your other children are in danger.

Give her full marks for not getting pregnant. Everything would be much worse if she had a baby to raise.

Good luck. Your life will be dangerously interesting for the next few years.

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As the stepmother of three, I've kind of been where you are chispita and I feel you. Fortunately, my youngest step was the type that, given enough rope, he'd hang himself, so when his mother 'kicked him out' and he moved in with us not even a month after we'd moved into our new home, after deciding not to leave my husband, (I was sick when this little weasle came into my brand new home), I kept my mouth shut (altho' inside i was screaming at the top of my lungs) and soon learned that the key to it all, in his case, was patience. If I could just be patient enough to wait him out, his lies and deceitfulness, which I saw through immediately but his father, of course, was blind to, would eventually come to light. That's exactly what happen. We caught him in one lie after the other until finally, he got totally stupid and allowed someone into the house while his father and I were at work and they robbed us. At that point, when my husband asked me what did I want him to do and I told him that I wanted his son out of here, as much as it hurt him, he sent him packing back to his mother, Dr. Frankenstein. This young man paid the ultimate price for his wild behavior, he's now HIV-positive, but he's showing no outward signs of his illness, looks just as healthy and handsome as ever, but he's also just as lazy and trifling as ever, still sitting around waiting for someone to hand everything to him on a silver platter. He's 23 years old and totally dependent on his mother.
Better her than me.

I'm sorry I have no real answers for your dilemma. There aren't any.

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Noddy24 wrote:

She has two parents--she doesn't need a third Authority Figure to rebel against. If possible, treat her as a responsible adult. If she's under your roof, insist on house rules.

Play "the heavy" only if your husband agrees or your other children are in danger.

Give her full marks for not getting pregnant. Everything would be much worse if she had a baby to raise.

Good luck. Your life will be dangerously interesting for the next few years.

Noddy- I think if the parents had set "real" rules from the beginning Red would have learned that nothing in life is free. Had Dee a stay at home mom been more involved in her daughters education and supported Mr. O when he disciplined Red... she might have had more respect for both of her parents.

I know you don't know the details or their relationships, but I have gotten the same story from Mr. O, Dee and Red. Mom wanted to be "the" friend while Mr. O was the "bad" guy. Red has told me she wants what Dee had. Dee got pregnant with Red at 24 while Mr. O was 20... Dee stopped working while pregnant with Red and never went back to work.

That is until the divorce and Mr. O put a stop to her demands of money. Dee threw Red out when her child support stopped. No more money from daddy then she was no use to Dee any more. I think she is using the little one the same way.

A child is like a plant... A plant is only as good as the gardner.. with out good soil and constant watering the plant will not have a strong foundation to grow....

As parents it's our responsibility to teach our kids to cook, clean house, iron and budget or plan for the future so they can be independent.

We can't depend or wait for teachers to do that. Not only do we have to teach them to do those things but they have see us doing the same.

Dee didn't do any of that with Red and sadly still doesn't do it with Ham.
I wonder if Dee ever thinks about what life will be like when Ham turns 19 and she doesn't have that $1300 a month to count on?

I try to teach Ham as much as possible while she is with us. Dee thinks kids should remain kids as long as possible, I don't disagree I just think we need to teach them while they are kids. It's not like we are teaching them and then tossing them out right away. It's all a process.

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eoe wrote:

the type that, given enough rope, he'd hang himself

eoe - sounds like these two might be related...
That is the reason Red and I ended in bad terms... Before Mr. O and I got married, he and the girls spent the night at my house one weekend. That Sunday Red went in the shower, I went to make sure she had everything she needed and that's when I saw one of my towels stuffed in her bag.

I didn't say anything I just let it go, on the way out Mr. O saw the towel and asked her about it. She told him it looked like one of the towels that belonged to her mom and she was taking it back. The truth is the towel might have been one of the ones Mr. O brought over one day. The problem was I lost trust in her... I felt as though every time she came over she was going to be going thru my things, looking for stuff that "belonged" to parents at one time.. to take back to her mom.

That's when I told Mr. O I didn't want anything in my house that belonged to Dee at one time or another. Besides having been a single parent for 5 years I had everything I needed in my house.

Why do some kids grow up thinking the world owes them something? Twisted Evil

I wish there were some type of support system (local) to deal with these types of issues...

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Extended families, when should the step-paren get involved?

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