Rare Book, "Babies are Animals Too"

Hi Folks.

Just wanted to share some fascinating information from an often-overlooked masterpiece in developmental human growth, “Babies are Animals Too”.

Yes, this is by the same author of “How to Fireproof your Baby”, but this time he published under the name, “Dr. Y. Duit d'Hardway”. Apparently the author became quite popular and, uh ... sought-after ... since his previous parenting book...

Here is some of the incredible wisdom I extracted to share with you today:

Babies can be cared-for in much the same way as a kitten or puppy. While it is initially difficult teaching Baby to use a litter box or newspapers, there are upsides: modern Baby-Litter can be flushed, and newspaper can be conveniently folded, bundled, and thrown out with little fuss. If however you decide on sand (because of the more natural texture and easy availability from local construction sites for free), check carefully to ensure there are no concrete chunks or rocks that might inhibit Baby from digging and burying. Nowadays we can also use pads in a specially-made tray placed in strategic locations on the floor, which might be easier: Just lay Baby down on the soft pad, and wait. Observe when the pad is seemingly soaked, and if it drips when raised by a corner, just bundle up the pad, secure with rubber band, and place in a small plastic bag for disposal. Be sure Baby is not wrapped up with the pad.

Mealtime should be fun. Placing food and water (or baby formula) bowls on the floor is much easier than sitting Baby up in a high chair. Baby can’t fall off the floor, so parents don’t have to concentrate on watching so Baby doesn’t fall out of a chair – now parents can enjoy a good meal together uninterrupted by such trifles. Plus baby seems to have much more fun eating with floor-friends, and splashing the family dog or cat with formula. Cleanup after meals is much easier too. Baby loves to be mopped gently on the face and being pushed around the floor with one of those big sopping-wet string-mops they use on ship decks. And parents can play Baby Hockey for hours after meals! Yo ho ho!

Taking Baby for walkies can be both fun and challenging. Baby can be a little slow, and often pulls at the leash, but will soon be more controllable with encouragement. Though sometimes you may have to drag Baby for a distance before Baby resumes moving on Baby’s own, there are benefits over walking a dog or cat. Baby will not hiss at, or bite, dogs or children passing by. Baby will not pause at every tree, fire hydrant, or building corner and sniff to ascertain whether other Babies have been there, and mark the place in turn. If you let Baby loose at the Baby Park, Baby will not chase after animals (Baby will not often climb a tree chasing squirrels), or bring parts of a dead pigeon back to you after killing it, and drop it on your feet. When you stop to talk to a friend, Baby will not hump your friend’s leg. But best of all, Baby will not leave droppings in the sidewalk unless you are taking Baby out “au natural”. In that case, responsible parents carry handy plastic baggies and tongs for cleaning up after Nature calls.

Most parents will give Baby a bath in a small basin or tub, with lots of scented soap bubbles and squeaky floaty toys. This is wrong: Baby has to sit in the same tepid water as Baby’s own dirt and sweat, dead skin cells, skin oils, and sometimes urine or other waste material, until the parent decides Baby has had enough, and takes Baby out for a toweling and lots of cooing and cuddling. Now all you have is Baby with a thin, homogeneous layer of scented dirt and bio-contaminants. Baby is much better off being hosed down in the kitchen sink or in the tub, so the stale, tainted, dirty-body-contaminated water can be drained away easily. Use heavy rubber gloves when hosing down Baby because one never knows what is being hosed off a body that has been laying on a soaked pee-pad for who knows how long, or after walkies (you don’t know what Baby might be bringing home after meeting with others on a walkie while you were reading a book on the bench in the park, or talking with your friend). And a bonus – after a good hosing-down, parents can always chase Baby around with a blow-drier – how fun! – rather than just towel Baby down – how dull!

There will be more as I delve further into this fascinating book... If others out there have this rare book too, please feel free to share the wisdom and knowledge of Dr. d'Hardway before it’s gone like his previous book, or Baby is grown beyond tractability...