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Sun 24 Mar, 2024 11:59 am
This is a long story but a horrible person from my past mailed a VHS tape to my husband of over 25 years. It had a long letter attached saying that "your wife is a whore, watch this video as proof" amongst a slew of other horrible untrue things. We didn't even own a vcr, but my hubby wanted to see this video so bad that he found one in a thrift store. He didn't tell me anything about the letter or tape prior to watching it. On the tape I am having sex with 5 men and it is ultra disgusting. UNIMAGINABLE! I can tell you without hesitation that I DID NOT WANT what was happening on the tape, the trauma of what had been done to me was so intense that I didn't even remember that it even happened. I blocked it out and tried to pretend that it wasn't real.
To explain the backstory of how that tape came to be, I was raped by a middle aged man when I was a teenager. I had a bad home life, no support, I was confused and alone. I didn't call the police. I blamed myself for the attack. After some time, the person who had raped me began coming around again, raping me over and over, and I was blaming myself for what was happening to me... in my mind, I was in a relationship with this man, I told myself that I must be inviting these things. I told myself that he was my boyfriend. I would say no, I would cry, then float away in my mind when it would happen anyway. I was somehow able to normalize what was happening. I changed the narrative to something that I could live with I guess. I wasn't a victim if it was ME causing these things. But now, looking back with my mature eyes, I was being raped over and over. I never invited any of it, and I have no idea why I didn't SCREAM for help.
One night, my attacker invited his friends over to assault me, there were 5 men taking turns attacking me while my rapist whom I told myself was my boyfriend filmed everything with his VHS camcorder. You can clearly see in this video that I am dead- I look like a dead body- my mind was far far away, I was not there. Dead eyes and a blank stare. The men in the video are commanding me to do things, and yet I just lay there. It was horrifying to watch. After seeing it, I did recall vague images of it actually happening, but up until that point I had blocked out the entire memory.
I have no idea what after all of these years would have motivated that disgusting animal to mail my husband that video tape with that letter. It has rehashed this trauma and to me, it feels like it just happened. I never dealt with ANY of the things that happened to me. My husband took this very badly... after knowing me for 25 years, he immediately knew that nothing that was said in the letter about me was the truth. He immediately knew that he was witnessing a rape, not watching his wife gangbang 5 men like was stated in the letter. He went on a rampage, wanting to locate and kill all of these people. I went into shock, needed actual hospitalization... it was the first time that I ever admitted anything that had happened to me and it gave me a nervous breakdown. The trauma that rape has on the brain is unimaginable, but then to see it happen on tape- my GOD. It was horrifying. When the actual rape occurred, my mind was shut off, but now I can see all of the ugly details.
My husband has been just as traumatized. He can no longer get nor maintain an erection. He and I had a great sex life... one that took me a very long time to achieve. Because of my history, for the first years of our relationship I NEVER wanted sex, I spoke of it as torture. But after many years, I was somehow able to begin to start to enjoy my own body and found myself for the first time ever in my life actually WANTING sex. Before this package arrived, we had an amazing sex life. I do NOT want that stolen from me again. I want to be able to make love to my wonderful husband. The trauma of what he has seen, he cannot have sex. How can I fix that? I cannot lose that.
@missmindy78,
First of all, I am so sorry that this happened to you, both then and now.
It's possible that there's a way to legally go after this man in court. If you want to do so, then contact a lawyer admitted to the bar in your jurisdiction. Tell him or her what you told us (or just print out this page) and give them the tape to view. You may be able to have legal recourse, even years later, particularly if you were under 18 (and therefore a minor) at the time.
Plus, there's the guy sending you the tape and triggering your emotional distress. Even if it's too late to go after the guy for the rape, you can likely go after him for the sending of the tape (the guy probably wanted $ and was getting his jollies trying to mess up your life and break up your marriage).
All of this may not only net you some cash or get the guy in prison where he belongs. It may also help your husband get some closure without having to beat up anyone.
As for the remainder, this is why God gave us marriage counselors. Talk to an impartial professional, both together and by yourselves. Discuss how this intrusion into your marriage makes you feel. The counselor can probably give you some tools to help manage your anger and trauma.
Please don't let this horrible man run and ruin your life. I wish you and your husband only the best from now on.
I am currently seeing a therapist through a local victims outreach center. They too said that there is legal recourse for what this man has done to me, and also the people on the tape (none of which I even know their name) could also face jail time or be forced to pay for damages. Before I decide whether or not to pursue this, they wanted to get me into a place mentally where I have the strength to go through that. They told me that we have to start with filing a police report, and they will handle all of that for me. I haven't decided what I will do yet. Im afraid. I do not want to see that ANIMAL. Im so afraid.
But, I cannot let the horror that this animal inflicted upon me define me. I also cannot allow this to destroy my sex life with my husband either... It isn't fair. I love my husband and it took me a very long time to be stable enough to enjoy sex. In my mind, allowing that sick criminal animal to take away my sex life with my husband is like he is still holding me down and raping me. He stole ENOUGH from me. I have no idea how to help my husband, when I myself can't handle what happened. All I know is that I need to help him move past this somehow. I love him.
@missmindy78,
You are a good person who had something terrible happen to you. I agree (IANAD) that it's probably a good idea to get you into a good place mentally before filing, etc.
Go get 'em when you're ready, tigress. You are invincible.
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