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Why did he buy his ex an engagement ring and not me?

 
 
Mon 24 Apr, 2023 10:20 am
He has asked me to marry him without a ring and then points out that his ex still wears a $2000 ring he bought for her. We went to design bands together which I presume we are sharing the cost of which is fine and they are beautiful. But I'm feeling a little second rate after knowing he can afford to buy something, like anything.. Is it wrong for me to feel sad that perhaps he doesn't think I'm worth it? And if that's the case.. should it put questions on the wedding?
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Type: Question • Score: 6 • Views: 1,583 • Replies: 6
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jespah
 
  2  
Mon 24 Apr, 2023 10:54 am
@JazzyCat,
It's time (and from the sound of it, probably long past time) for the two of you to have a talk.

Not about the ring or your relationship.

Talk about money.

You both need to come clean about exactly how much you both have, in any imaginable account.

Savings. Checking. Stocks. Bonds. Mutual funds. IRAs. 401(k)s. KEOGHs. Certificates of Deposit. Annuities. 529 plans. HELOCs. Equity in companies. Insurance policies.

And the negatives as well, like credit card debt, mortgage, student loans, medical debt, car loan, gambling debts, back taxes, etc.

And anything else I may have forgotten about. Because when I say exactly, I mean all of it.

Because I suspect he shot his financial load buying her that ring.

Oh, and while you're at it, share your credit scores. And if you own land or buildings, assessments of those as well. Doesn't have to be perfect; a ballpark figure will do with assessments. But everything else? Look at it in writing, on a statement, or on a screen, logged into a secured account.

Is this work? You betcha. Is it worth it. Also, you betcha.

No, marriage is not 100% a transaction, nor should it be. But money arguments will ruin a marriage, and divorce is waaaaay more expensive than walking away now, if that's what ends up happening. It also spares any future children.

If he will not come clean with you, then seriously consider ending it. I. Am. Serious.

Lies and concealment in the financial realm do not bode well, when it comes to lies (by omission, if nothing else) and concealment of anything else. Like why someone is working late all the time, or whose hairpin is this—I found it in our bed.

Forgetting about something small is one thing. If there's a credit card he hasn't used in 20 years then that's one thing. If there's a separate account for $20k that he's actively hiding from you? That is something else entirely.

Another thing about divorce. It guts people financially—particularly women.

And I know how cynical I sound, and maybe it's all love and starry eyes for you. I hope anyone who is about to wed is deeply in love with their fiancé(e). But turning a blind eye to finances is ignoring your future.

Average credit card debt in the US is over $7200. He could be carrying that kind of debt and it would stink to not know about it. What happens if you sign jointly filed taxes but he's concealing accounts? It's a federal offense, and you, too, could be on the hook, because your signature implies you read and understood the tax return.

A 520 credit score versus a 720 will lead to loan denials, and it may be hard to get a decent mortgage, if you get one at all. Credit card interest rates will be a lot higher, too. The US loves to get people into debt and then charge them up the yin yang to pay it off.

Know this stuff now. And maybe it's all okay. Or maybe the ring is just scratching a very ugly surface.

Oh, and one more thing. Don't presume anything when it comes to money. Ever. No matter what it's for or whom it's for.

Signed, a person who works in credit (and has been married for over 30 years).
JazzyCat
 
  1  
Mon 24 Apr, 2023 11:06 am
@jespah,
Absolutely, all our money dealings are transparent. We run a business together, so it has to be. And that is why I know he can afford an engagement ring but he doesn't want to spend the money on one.

The cost of both our bands are not as much as what he spent on his ex, It's not alot of money for me to pay for a nice ring for him, I could buy myself something for that much too if I wanted but it is disappointing I don't have something special from him.
hightor
 
  2  
Mon 24 Apr, 2023 11:46 am
@JazzyCat,
I think you're taking a very materialistic attitude. If anything, the money he wasted on his ex demonstrates that the cost of an engagement ring doesn't buy an enduring marriage.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  2  
Mon 24 Apr, 2023 03:32 pm
@JazzyCat,
JazzyCat wrote:

He has asked me to marry him without a ring and then points out that his ex still wears a $2000 ring he bought for her. We went to design bands together which I presume we are sharing the cost of which is fine and they are beautiful. But I'm feeling a little second rate after knowing he can afford to buy something, like anything.. Is it wrong for me to feel sad that perhaps he doesn't think I'm worth it? And if that's the case.. should it put questions on the wedding?


Jespah's points are spot on, as usual. My concern for you, however, is directed at the following:

1. Why would he point out his ex still wears a $2K ring he bought? What is that about? How did that enter the conversation?

2. You "presume" you're both sharing the cost of your designer rings. Don't you know? Haven't you had this conversation? Can either of you afford the cost?

3. If you're feeling second-rate, that's valid. You feel how you feel. Why not talk to him about it? Does he do anything special for you? Do you feel cherished?

4. You are assuming he doesn't feel you're worth it (a $2K ring), but is that true? You don't know because you aren't asking or sharing.

You don't have to answer any of these questions but I do hope you think about them. Communication is so important, everywhere, all the time. I suggest telling him how you're feeling and why and listen to his responses.

Best of luck.
0 Replies
 
engineer
 
  3  
Mon 24 Apr, 2023 06:02 pm
My guess is he got an expensive ring for his ex and the marriage didn't last so he is hesitant to make such a commitment again.
0 Replies
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  1  
Mon 24 Apr, 2023 10:13 pm
@JazzyCat,
Diamonds are a luxury, not an investment.
0 Replies
 
 

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