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How do I tell my MOH to back off?

 
 
Reply Tue 26 Jan, 2021 12:45 pm
My maid of honor is being a complete control freak about my bachelorette party. She’s not respecting any of my boundaries with planning things or what we are doing. She keeps making it all about herself, and telling me that I need to “get over it” when I ask her specifically NOT to do something. I’ve tried being nice about how I tell her things because I don’t want to stir the pot or make her feel like she’s not a welcomed part of the wedding party. I’m also not a “bridezilla” so I haven’t been overly picky, just pointing out things along the way that I do or do not like/want there. She also hasn’t been asking the other members of my bridal party anything, so there’s also the issue of her not being their favorite person right now. This has been going on since I got engaged and picked my bridal party. I’m at a point where the next time she tries to talk me into something I don’t want, telling her she either needs to respect my choices or not be involved in the wedding any longer, but she is an old, close friend and again I hate to make her feel like she holds no place in the wedding. Is there a nice way I can tell her to back off a little bit before I go crazy?
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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 499 • Replies: 7
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chai2
 
  2  
Reply Tue 26 Jan, 2021 01:50 pm
@toastmalone,
She doesn’t seem to mind disrespecting you to hell and back. I wouldn’t concern myself with her feelings.

Nice can be overrated.

Is she paying for anything for this wedding?
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Wed 27 Jan, 2021 08:04 am
@toastmalone,
toastmalone wrote:

... but she is an old, close friend ...


My question here is how close of a friend is she? I would imagine being the maid of honor she is your closest friend, but I know sometimes people choose for another reason? - I just want to quantify that first because how you treat this could be dependent on how close she really is ... so in other words - do you think you two will be best friends after your wedding? Is it more you choose her out of some sort of obligation and besides this wedding you will not see her or hang with her so much?

Is this something you feel you could completely break ties with her? Sometimes even though you might have been friends all your life, you both move in different directions and there is really no reason to be best friends except for the length of your friendship. If this is the case, you might want to cut your loses and "break up" with her. I've been through this in my wedding - a bridesmaid - that was getting freaky during the pre-wedding stuff that got to a point that I told her her I do not think I want to be friends with you any more (won't get into the details) but paid for her dress and asked someone else to replace her - hard, but best decision I made.

Now if it is different where you two are truly best friends and it is just this weirdness now - could the two of you just meet up together. Have a heart to heart with her. Tell her you love her - she is your bestie and you value your friendship. Then let her know I am sorry but this is my wedding and you are making it difficult for me. I appreciate you doing so much but this is my one time - and I need you to respect my wishes. Something along those lines - you need to be kind but firm. She could be just overly involved and not realize how hurtful and inconsiderate she is being.

In the end you might end up damaging or ending your friendship - but if she really is a good friend she should want to make your wedding the best she can for you. If she is not willing to bend, then she does not seem to that could of a friend to have.
toastmalone
 
  1  
Reply Wed 27 Jan, 2021 08:42 pm
@Linkat,
I love the thoughtful response. She is not my best friend, my fiancé and her boyfriend have known each other forever, and her and I became friends through all of us hanging out. I picked her to be my maid of honor because when I met her I was going through a very tough time socially, and she was literally the only friend I had for about 2 years. She was a very caring, compassionate friend. (I’ve since made some of my own friends who make up the rest of my bridal party) Even though we don’t hangout as much as we used to, we talk almost every day. And yeah, I definitely will be having a talk with her, I am just so unsure of what to say because she can be an emotional disaster sometimes. I don’t want it to end or ruin our friendship, but it wouldn’t surprise me. I have since asked my soon to be mother in law to take over more of the MOH’s “responsibilities” hoping that will help get the point across that she’s doing too much. I will definitely be using some tips from your response when I do talk to her!
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toastmalone
 
  1  
Reply Wed 27 Jan, 2021 08:43 pm
@chai2,
No she is not paying for anything other than her part of the bachelorette party. I typically agree that people deserve the same attitude they dish out, I’m just not used to her being this way with me, so I’m trying to avoid confrontation if possible lol.
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 28 Jan, 2021 11:03 am
Unless you have given her specific things to do with clear-cut parameters, then you really have given her a free reign for organizing the whole thing, at least that’s what she is thinking.

So don’t blame her for overreaching when you haven’t spoken up about what was going to be your role and what was going to be her role.

Be more directive. Be firm about topics that she is not to be making any decisions on. (You do the centerpieces, I will do the seating chart.”)

Time to be more assertive on your own behalf and get control of your own wedding.
Medusax
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Feb, 2021 01:31 am
@toastmalone,
I would simply lay it out. It is YOUR day, and it is all about you.
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toastmalone
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Feb, 2021 03:17 pm
@PUNKEY,
In my post I did mention that I've been telling her things that I do NOT want. example:

MOH: I've picked out these decorations for the party
Me: Decorations aren't really my thing, so we can skip those, I don't want them there
MOH: Well, every bachelorette party has decorations, that's just what people do, so you'll have to get over it.

Just to put it into context for you. In the beginning, I did give her free reign, because I assumed yano, we've been friends for a while so she knows my likes and dislikes. I guess that she was planning things I wouldn't enjoy, and she wasn't listening to the other bridal party members when they told her it wasn't a good idea and I wouldn't like it, so they came to me and that's when I got involved (nothing had been set in stone yet) and starting pointing out what I did and did not want.
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