Parents not happy about relationship (long one)

Reply Thu 16 Feb, 2023 05:30 am
I have been in an otherwise excellent relationship for 5 years now, and everything has always gone great, except for one thing, my parents. Ever since the relationship began, they have always been kind distrustful of it, mainly because we are arabs living in a latin american country, and they have this perceived, derogatory bias that if you are not arab, you are just not good for the family, which really has always grind my gears how ignorant and close-minded the people who wonderfully raised me can be. Since the beginning they’ve always pested me from time to time about how much longer i’m “going to stay in the relationship” and it have always infuriated how a person can say that, mainly because they BARELY know her and don’t understand how PERFECT she is for me, a fact all of my close friends can swear their lives upon. For at least 2-3 years of the relationship, I’ve always tried to not be bothered by their complaints and told myself that one day they will finally understand and accept my relationship, and I finally thought they did for the past 2 years, where not a single complaint was raised against it, and they were even happy every time she and I met each other, until yesterday… Yesterday my father talked to me in my room, and told me that he feels that i’m being “dominated” and “overly-attached” to my gf. I am 23 years old, and though I am yet to experience the hardest parts of life, nothing till this day has broken my heart so much than to hear that expression coming out of my own father’s mouth. First of all, I’m nobody’s b**ch to be called a “dominated person”, second of all, that woman in our 1800 days together has never obligated me to do anything for her, has never bossed me around and has never deliberately made me leave my comfort zone, every decision I took in my relationship (i.e. every gift I’ve given her) has been made by my own account, she is literally the most humble person I have ever met, she works 8+ hours a day like a d*mn pig in order to have a successful life and pay her dues, she has never asked me for anything material, and to being told that i’m being “dominated” by this person is the most insulting thing you can say and makes me want to explode, how about you get to know the real her and then start talking sh*t. Third of all, how can you tell me i’m “overly-attached”? WE HAVE 5 YEARS TOGETHER, we are not kids anymore,
this some serious sh*t and it’s how it’s supposed to be, besides, we literally see each other 2-3 times a week TOPS.

It just saddens me how the people who have perfectly raised me, whom I admire so much, who have given me everything in this life and more can say such things about the most happy and simplest relationship. One of the main reasons my parents are unhappy about the relationship (aside from the arab thing) is because I’m a medical student and my goal is to work on my specialty on the United States (which lasts at least 6 years) and they fear that the thought of a long distant relationship, and the fact that i'm just so not ready to start a serious life and get married, it will interfere in my life and have me make a bad decision. While they are 100% right for their concerns (believe me you can even fathom how many hours of sleep i have lost being distraught about how my future is going to turn out because of my relationship) it is my life and my own problem to solve. To waste and break up a perfect relationship because in two years i’m going to depart for the states is just too immature and if we really love each other (which we do) we are going to find a way to work it out. I’m a believer of God and i know He will guide me into the right choice.

To end this long story, I wanted to express how much I wanted to say to my dad after he told me that, but I just blocked myself and just told him to leave my room. I just can’t let him insult me or my gf’s honor but for another thing I just don’t want to fight them.
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Reply Thu 16 Feb, 2023 06:15 am
How well do your parents know your girlfriend? Have they ever met? What were the circumstances?

If they have never met her in 5 years, then they may perceive that as a red flag -- never mind that they don't seem to be very welcoming to her.

If they have only seen her at formal events (like if she was your date to a wedding), then they really don't know her at all

Consider if, even if they have seen her on other occasions, whose turf it's been on.

Why not host them if you have your own place? Or take them out for a meal and pay the bill. As an aside, if you ever have to wrestle with your folks for a restaurant check, pull the server aside during the meal (just get up like you were going to the restroom) , hand them your card, and tell them to run it so that the bill is settled. Then just sign the bill when it comes.

Anyway, the bottom line is, they're treating you like a teenager. You need to act like anything but that. And your girlfriend needs to be a part of your family life so that they stop speculating about her and her motives.

PS if there's a religious difference, then this may not work too well. But it's still worth a shot.
Reply Thu 16 Feb, 2023 06:53 am
Hello, thanks for replying.

They have met her, not a lot as most relationships do, but they still have seen her enough to know her. Literally last year she and my mother teamed up to organize a surprise birthday party for me. That’s what I have trouble understading, one day they love her, the other she’s just some random girl, like if they are suffering from multiple personality disorder.
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Reply Thu 16 Feb, 2023 07:02 am
I don't know, but it may well be that your parents had no problem with her as a girlfriend.

After five years she's looking like your future wife and mother of your children.

That might be why they're acting this way now.
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