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Life Advice

 
 
Thu 2 Jun, 2022 03:09 pm
Hi all,

I am new to this site and in need of advice, words of wisdom. I am a 32 year old male who feels lonely and isolated. I hate my own company and do everything in my power to avoid being on my own. My story is a frustrating one and I feel whatever I do never seems to work. In November, I was dating someone for 9 months and I thought that I really met someone for the long term. We got on so well and everything but then she ran from me for no reason. I learnt last January that she suffered a miscarriage and the pain was too much for her and as a result she never wants to see me again. It hit me really hard and so much so that for a few weeks after I suffered from really bad psychosis and it took me a good while to recover. In fact, I needed therapy to help. It was my first real relationship and that fact that I was almost a father broke me.

A few months on, I am now better in my self. I found myself a good job and that is going well but it is my social life that is the problem. I just do not have anyone to really talk too. I have plenty of acquaintances as such and people who I occasionally talk to but no one to really hear my problems. You know a true friend, a best friend. I’m struggling on the dating side too, I go on dates and click with women but they friend-zone me too much and it hurts. I am struggling so badly with loneliness and get depressed and down a lot over it. I feel I am ready for a proper relationship again. I would just like a chance.

The thing is there is someone who I feel I am compatible with. I have known this women for over seven and years and we speak a lot. We have had nice moments in the past but because of distance it has never really progressed. I feel that there is someone there for me already but the circumstances never work out. I have joined Meetup groups to meet new people but does anyone have any tips to improve my outcome?
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jespah
 
  2  
Thu 2 Jun, 2022 08:07 pm
@oaksi567,
Hi!

First off, I'm sorry about what happened with your ex. It would of course upset anyone.

And getting past that (it seems flip to just call it a tailspin) has got to be tough. But as you said, you're getting there, And already, in a lot of ways, you're in a better place.

So!

Some ideas on your relationship status.

I think you're doing well at working to meet people who have something in common with you. So many people we see here do not, and you almost want to throttle them through the computer screen and tell them, "Your soul mate isn't going to just drop out of the sky! You have to actually work to meet them, get to know them, and build a relationship."

But I digress.

Maybe the thing to do is zig rather than zag. That is, keep doing what you're doing (as it's something of a numbers game, and I think you're heading in the right direction). But...

… with one big difference.

And that difference is, don't take it too seriously.

This doesn't mean you should be insensitive to others' feelings and wishes. It's more that in your head, you've made the stakes very high. So, how's about lowering them? Make the stakes a good time or at least a good hour or, barring that, a story you can tell in the future.

Start with a small goal or two like that when you meet someone. Low stakes. And that means, if it all goes to hell in a handcart, it's no big deal. And the "friend zone" is no problem.

In the meantime, also do more socializing outside of these activities. It can be small bits of socializing, like saying good morning to a neighbor or asking the cashier at the grocery store where they got their neat tattoo. Again, low stakes. Super low.

Subterranean stakes.

The more of these that happen, the less fraught with meaning everything will be. Embrace the mantra of "easy come, easy go". But keep playing that numbers game. Say hi to the cutie walking their dog. Nod at the letter carrier. Hell, help little old ladies across the street. Smile

I'm suggesting all of this, BTW, because I get the feeling that you're cannonballing into the deep end when you're meeting these women. And, it's overwhelming. So, go light. And see what happens.

Subterranean stakes. Dang, I should trademark that expression. Wink
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