Sun 29 Nov, 2020 07:45 am
this is probably going to be a rant more than anything else, I'm not even really sure I'm looking for any proper advice.
I'm in my mid-20s dangerously closing in on 30, I have a B.A. and I speak 4 languages. About 2 years ago, I left the country I lived in for 20 years and moved to Europe where I studied in one country for a year and upon not being able to stay there afterwards I moved to another European country (the one I was born in but who's citizenship I don't have and won't have anytime soon). I moved because I hated the country I was living in before with my parents for 20 years, hated the weather, had no friends, no job, no career perspective there, basically no reason to stay there and waste time.
Within 3 months of living where I live now, I found a job. It's an office job which goes in line with what I've studied and it is the first real job I've ever had. I got hired in January 2020, worked at the office for about 7 weeks and then we were all sent home when the pandemic started last March. I work 40 hours a week and make about 32,000$ gross a year which is ok I guess although at times it really feels like nothing and it doesn't enable me to have a lot of savings which I need for long-term plans. I also pay a lot of income tax so really at the end of the day I'm only left with about 800$ of savings per month (that's if I don't have any unexpected spendings which always happens). That also limits my capacity to have any kind of fun trips because money gets spend quickly and easily especially you're not even a middle-income earner.
My job is more or less the only thing that's keeping me going, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have it or if I were to lose it, God forbid. My love life is a complete and utter disaster, I've never had a girlfriend and I'm still a virgin even though I'm fast approaching 30. I want to make it clear right away that it is definitely NOT by choice. At an age where most people around me are either in solid long-term relationships, engaged and thinking about getting married or making serious plans in order to get married soon, I'm light years behind all of that and have the experience of a 10 year old when it comes to any kind of intimacy and close contact with another human being. To give you an idea, one of my close friends living in a neighboring country is 21 years old, has a good citizenship, just recently started working, is in a steady relationship and is planning to get married in just a few months time. This is a good example of what I mean when I say I'm light years behind everyone around me. Over the years and even going back to when I was still living with my parents, there isn't a strategy or a dating app I didn't try but to no avail. I got people involved who tried to help me but again to no avail. Now due to the pandemic, it's hard to meet anybody at the moment and the women from work I tried to befriend not even necessarily thinking about dating (most are older and have boyfriends) seemed very standoffish, passive-aggressive at times and overall rude to the point where it felt almost as if I was trying to send someone to the moon so it pissed me off. There was even one who out of the blue said that we should hang out, said she was really interested in hanging out to never bring it up again and act dumb when I brought it up myself.
My friendships are also non-existent, due to recurrent bad experiences with "friends" over the years, I can't stand most people nowadays, I've lost almost all desire to socialize and I'm not really even looking to make friends so I'm not going to pretend that this bothers me the most. I have a 30 year old female roommate, we get along well but we're not friends and we don't talk much. Her boyfriend recently stayed over at our place for about 10 days and lectured me about my pathetic love life... He of course doesn't have those problems because like 100% of men around me he can get sex as he pleases essentially just by existing.
Besides all of this, I also have a huge weight problem. I'm heavily underweight, not to the point of anorexia thankfully but certainly not to a point where it's healthy for me neither. I weight about 117 lbs and I'm 5 ft 8 tall. Even my female cousin weights more than I do and she is 10 years younger than me.. I have tried different diets, seeked advice from my doctor and family members but again nothing changed for the better. No matter what I do or what I eat, I cannot seem to gain weight.
While I am thankful for my job, I do not plan to keep it or to stay in the country I live in now longer than necessary which unfortunately in my case means keeping the job I have now for another 4 years and staying in the country for at least 5 to 7 years overall to get citizenship. I feel like I am wasting a lot of time and will waste a lot of time waiting for this despite working. One of the criterias for citizenship is to work at least for 5 straight years which to me sounds insane, almost undoable and puts a lot of pressure on me which I would rather do without.
There are other issues but the main ones are here, I’m just so tired of all of this and of feeling depressed, frustrated and pissed off at everything all the time. I have and am still considering seeing a psychologist but ultimately a psychologist won’t help me find a girlfriend, lose my virginity, get married, be happy again, gain some weight etc. Not to mention that part of my future plans include saving a lot of money (from the very weak salary that I have) and it’s money I cannot afford to give to a psychologist right now.
As you can tell, my life is one big mess.
You're probably not going to like a lot of this advice, but here goes anyway. In no particular order:
- Get another job. I know it's not easy right now, but you won't get one if you don't start to look. You're being underpaid and it's impossible for you to progress past this time in your life without some cash.
- Or start a side gig. Either way, earn more $.
- Not having friends is directly related to not having girlfriends and vice versa. This is harder with the pandemic, but it's also somewhat easier. Interact more online. A lot more. You can check out MeetUp or local Facebook groups and, when they hold Zoom calls, participate! Relationships don't come naturally to everyone. You will need to practice to learn this skill.
- Oh my God it is 100% untrue that everyone is getting some but you. Seriously.
- Don't compare where you are in life with relationships or finances with anyone else. Comparison is the thief of joy. You go at your pace, they go at theirs.
- If you have any medical coverage at all, talk to a doctor. You can do telehealth these days. Ask about your weight and, in particular, about your thyroid (Note: I am not a doctor). Ask them to help you with how to gain weight. Speaking as someone with the opposite problem, you will need to be eating more calorically dense foods. But talk to your doctor about putting on weight the healthy way.
- Building muscle is also helpful. Lift weights and eat protein, and you will start to build muscle. Be patient; it doesn't happen overnight. It might also help you gain some confidence.
Oh, and from those of us who are about twice your age, please stop it with how you'll be old at age 30. Cripes, that's whiney and totally unproductive.
Hi, I appreciate your reply.
I can't get another job, I don't know the local language well enough and all the other job offers I had were precarious and paid even less than what I earn now. Plus, as I said, for the most part, I like my job. It's the only thing that's keeping me from completely losing my mind.
I never said everyone is getting some but me, I said everyone AROUND ME is getting some but me which is a proven fact. When I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE. I don't know a single person who's a virgin and is around my age. I don't know a single person who's as desperate as I am. All I know is all of them are getting sex easily and regularly to the point where they probably take it for granted now.
The problem with the "you go at your pace, they go at theirs" is that I'm lightyears behind them in every aspect, it worries and scares me a lot. By the time I reach them (if I even reach them) they will have all outgrown me tenfold.
I spoke to my doctor, he told me there is nothing he can do to help me gain weight. I've asked him twice already.
I already lift weights, it just leads to me losing even more weight and looking even worse overall.
It may be unproductive from your point of view but it isn't from mine and I've got the stories to back up my point. I'm nearly 30 and have accomplished **** all in my life so far.
Back to counseling you go. In fact find a counselor who is in association with a psychiatrist because you may need some medication.
You sound clinically depressed. Reading your entire story makes me feel depressed. You probably depressed the people around you too.
Do you get what I’m saying? What do you throw out to the world you get back in return.
Counseling would be perhaps nice but medication is not an option, I've had medication for previous issues when I was younger and that never helped. I find pills to often be an easy and ineffective cope-out for much bigger issues. With that being said, I don't have the money for counseling or medication.
Who wouldn't be depressed after reading this? That is just what my life is like.. I'm not here to lie to anyone and I can't run away from myself in any way.