Wed 18 Nov, 2020 10:09 pm
I'm gonna be brief, I feel like a prostitute, frustrated because I've never had a real one; I'm only 21, and despite being a virgin (I've never had vaginal intercourse, and I've always thought that I want to wait until marriage, I think that is the only "exclusive thing" that I can give to my future husband if I find one, obviously), I gave my first blowjob at 14. I did it to five guys during 2013 - 2020. I feel like a sexual object. I'm jealous that I see couples having a sane relationship. I've never had a relationship with someone for a year. The most that I've come has been half a year without breaking up with a guy. I find it surprising how even "children" of 16 years old can have a healthy relationship and not me. I felt that I'll never go to be enough for someone, not even for my mother... I hate being insecure, but being completely honest, I've been thinking like this all my life.
Now last, I just broke up a 5-day relationship with a guy who, in his perspective (and also he has demonstrated that), has been in love with me since the last year; I don't know why, but I don't like guys who have sisters, because I think that they're double standard, they should respect women even more, for me sisters are such a nuisance, it's like the guy has children, especially if his sisters are younger than him. He had a 4-YEAR-RELATIONSHIP with a girl who now has a son, but this girl is WAY better than me, she is the first place in her graduation, she is 2 years older than me, she has a complete family whereas I was only raised with my mom, yes, I don't have a father. I'm envious that one day he told me that the dad of his ex one day thought of killing him because of jealousy. One ex burned my letters, took photographs, and posted it on Facebook, you can imagine the strong impact that it had on me, and I was only 15 when it happened, nobody was there to defend me, and I was severely traumatized.
I've never met my father, I feel like a prostitute, I don't even have a vocation, I'm not sure what the hell to study, and I don't like how the world works. I don't want to feel sexualized anymore; I hate that men are always superficial and value more physical beauty; if there is a girl more beautiful than me, it is obvious that he will look at her, and this opens more insecurities.
If you guys have some advice, I'd be very grateful. I'm sorry if there is any grammar mistake. English is not my first language.
The thing about not liking guys with sisters is the weirdest thing I think I have ever read in this site (so, congratulations?).
That having been said, it's also avoidance behavior. Much of what you wrote about is.
You don't have to be in a relationship with everyone you meet, even if they claim to have been in love with you for years. In fact, you don't have to be in a relationship with anyone at all.
But recognize that every real relationship is bilateral. Both of the parties give and take. You compromise. This doesn't mean settling for ****.
But it does mean not using lame ass excuses (like sibling type? Really? No one can control that) as a reason to duck the chance for true emotional intimacy that you claim to desire.