Wed 29 Jul, 2020 10:30 am
I'm here to ask some advice on my relationship. I'm not very experienced and I would be happy to hear your thoughts. My text is long, but if you can read all that, and give me a reply, I will appreciate this. I'm 29 year old woman.
I have started dating this guy about 1 month ago. We had same goals for our relationship. We both want trust, good communication, abd dedication for each other. I told him that I want a serious relationship and so does he. I'm new into relationships and I don't have sexual experience. He told me he respects that. But then, he is overly sexual and tries to provoke me by (touching) and make me want to give in. I have in some things. I'm not blaming him, because I also feel like it's hard to resist. We have been officially in relationship for about 2 weeks now. Yet, I have seen many red flags, I need to ask advice for.
1. I have been very honest with him about my feelings. I have been also in under a lot of stress due to my feelings and a lot of new things happening with him, and my appetite has been very down. He is well aware of this, yet he almost never asks me if I have eaten or if i'm hungry.
When I'm at his house, he never treat me anything like food. He might even eat something in front of me. Say 'i'm hungry ''and make food for himself. When I was my first time there for sleepover, he asked me to bring my own evening/morning snacks, because he doesn't really have that much of anything. So I did bring my noodles. I started to bring my own noodles when i'm at his house, and he actually asked me if I have noodles with me, and I said ''yes, I guess I have to take care of myself, since you have nothing for me at your place.. '' I also brought foodstuff to his house, so we could both cook and make dinner for us, together. What happened? I actually reminded him many times, if we can make the food. He said ok later. Again I reminded. Once we had plans for that day to cook, and I came over and said lets do it now, but he's reply was ''i actually just ate and i'm not hungry'' and I said, but what if I'm?? He said, but you have your noodle here, can you eat that? I said ok...
the food mildew into his fridge.
Once I ate my noodles, and he ate nothing. I asked him, if he's hungry and he said a little, but he is tired to make anything. I offered to make him my own noodle. I cooked it for him, and he said '' this makes me feel your care''. I just cant say the same words back to him.
I also have treated him little things outside, like coffee, helped him pay for his pizza or buy cookies at his house, I also bought all the candys/chips&dips/drinks for us when watching a movie at his place. At night, he actually refused me to drink my own drink at night, because he wanted it. He said he was tired when he refused and apologized. It was a major red flag to me. Oh and when I invited him to my place, I cooked for him.
2. All of his friends are females. Not wanting to say there is anything wrong with that, but they are actually friends with benefit-friends he's been very intimate with. He say they are so nice people and close to him. He actually had planned before our relationship to go for a holiday on Cabin with these friends. He also explained me now that he is in a relationship with me, he will not see them sexually anymore. For me that is hard to believe, as the purely platonic friendship is gone. He never invited me with him because he think I would be an outsider and he just thought i'm totally ok with this. He told me, that I should just trust him and his words. ( I want to, but we are at the start of our relationship, and just blindly trusting can lead me getting hurt)
At the same time he says he wants me to meet his friends, but never done a thing for that to happen.
- That lead to me saying: you may go if you want, but this means that we can't continue as partners. I Also said i'm not okay with you seeing your FWB-friends alone. I'm not stopping you to meet them at all or stopping you texting/calling them, but I want to get to know them as well and be around. I also told him, that for me this is just a common thing at start of our relationship because I want to feel secure with you. Going to that cabin, is not going to build my trust. At first he felt i'm isolating him.. but then I told him that I just need to feel secure, perhaps later it is ok that you see them alone and only then he was fine with this.
3. He asked if we could buy each other clothes. I said cool! what kind of clothing you have in your mind for me? He said tube top and low waist shorts. So, I felt really strange. I asked him, if he wants me to dress like this for him? He reply, you should dress for yourself. I said, ok, do you want me to use this clothing in your house? He said, you can use them out too if you want. He wasn't at all worried if other guys look at me. He also said it doesn't matter, everyone can look, it's not a problem. It made me feel like i'm his egobooster.
- He also asked me if I want to go in a stripbar with him where are female/male strippers. I was confused. I actually tested him and said: '' Did you know? My dream was to be a stripper before!'' and laughed, it's a joke. He reply, wow why didn't you tell me this before. I will fully support you!
Also in bed, he has asked me if I want to be his personal sex worker, who will do favours and he will pay me! I actually thought it's a joke, but I cant really say. He was pretty serious about it.
This guy is also a feminist, but I feel like a sexual object to him.
Also, i'm worried to lose my virginity to this guy if he is just playing with me, and seeing me as a sex object.
4. I feel like he is a little too interested in my brothers new girlfriend. My brother is one of his best friends, and from the start he's been obvious about wanting to meet her (he actually called her a manseater, because she knows what she wants). Once my boyfriend asked me to invite them for a walk with us and our dogs. It's cool and I invited them. He started to talk to her, and be interested in what kind of a person she is. He actually asked her ''hey, how are you?'' randomly while already walking. Then asking ''what kind of a person you are?'' I would be ok with this, if this was natural conversation, but it wasn't and the girl herself said '' ok this is not awkward with her sarcastic voice''.. After that he started to make plans directly to her, if she would join and game (cardgames) with us at his house. This was not natural since, she is not a player. She was like umm, ok... i'll have to see.. and my boyfriend kinda pressured her to give a date to make it happen. He did not ask me, or my brother anything if we have plans for that day. Of course, he expect we are there too, but I thought it's weird. He also asked, what floor she lives in her building..
So it was our game night, and he started to tent her more with questions (probably thought before). It was again, nothing natural and the girl felt awkwardness. He was like ''what are you doing?'' ''do you have any hobbies?'' ''do you have siblings?'' ''how old are you?'' Do you like tea? We can make teaparties. He also made a little gesture, like straighten her card pack from the other side of a table.
I don't mind making a connection naturally, but all this was forced. But the worst thing that happened is here:
It's my birthday next day and we had plans to go to a dinner. I have told him many times, I want romance and dates. It was going to be our first dinner together, hes treat.
He actually asked her and my brother to join us, even though it was suppose to be our romantic ''first date''. He did not ask my opinion. My brother felt awkward about this and said something to my boyfriend like '' oh there goes my sisters romantic datenight''.. then that kind of embarrassed my boyfriend. Next day, he took me alone to the date. For some reason , he had a grumpy face for a while.
This was weird, because I have told him several times, that I want romance, and he just want a completely new person to our date and I and my brother felt his interest for his new girlfriend. My brother is now telling me to break up with my boyfriend.
-He says, he will cancel the cabin trip and wont see his female friends alone as long as our trust is secured.
-He showed me to his mother and have asked me for dinner in there twice.
-He spends his time with me, not his friends.
-He is nice with his words, telling me nice things.
- He was ready to go for the trip with his FwB-friends. Not by common sense canceling it or thinking how I would feel. Not asking me to join.
- He is making me question his trust.
- I feel like a sex object.
- i'm actually worrying he is ready to do this all only for a long as he gets my virginity. What happens after that?
- Everyone around me is telling me that hes behaviour is not normal and I deserve better.
- He is not trying to improve our relationship even though i'm telling him things that are bothering me. (romance, even the food thing, because I have given him many hints))
- I don't feel his dedication for me and our relationship.
You have to know this guy is a toddler. Quit, while you are ahead.
- Everyone around me is telling me that hes behaviour is not normal and I deserve better.
I agree with everyone around you. And you also know this isn't normal or you wouldn't be asking for advice.
Thank you for your reply! I'm wondering this too.
Thank you so much. This is making me anxsious and i'm just hoping i'm wrong. I need to think this through and the actions I make.
Btw, he told me today (I call him) that he understand my point of view very well about the trip to the cabin and that he is not going.
That’s fine but is that enough for you to consider continuing with him?
No one is noticing all this drama has occured within 1 month of meeting, and mostly in the 2 weeks of their starting "a relationship"?
To me, all of this is so improbable as to be woven out of whole cloth.
With just two weeks into this relationship, you have discovered some “ oddities” that could be red flags, but give it more time.
He does sound immature.
Are you 29 or was that a typo? What is his age?
I have been thinking about this too. I will let you know when I make my decision.
I'm 29 and he is 26. I'm also not experienced in relationships. Giving more time is ok, but i'm afraid this is just his nature.
I've been in several relationships. One is heading to over a decade...anyway here are my thoughts from you based on what I gathered...he doesn't seem like he's really there. He seems far from you. He wants you to do all the work. He's probably just using you and keeping you around for the time being. That's what I gathered from what I read though. So I could still be wrong but I've never had a relationship like that go for a year even. I expect both of us to work together from day one. If anything, he should be taking care of you more if you two ever plan to marry and have a family. But if he doesn't seem to ask if you're hungry or volunteer to eat something together...then...what if you were pregnant? There might not even be a...are you and the baby doing ok?
And seriously...the whole stripper thing and sex worker....you're just another girl that he plans to add to his friends of girls kind of thing one day. Meaning you'll become as them to him one day. He likes the game he's playing. You're replaceable to him. My partner would never accept me becoming a stripper or anything because he says he's not sharing and wants serious commitment. Yes....marriage is already in the process! But you need a person who cares for you, respects you, and wants to make sure you're happy and loved. Of course, you must return that back too. He seems like one who would be into open relationships and if married to...I think it's called swinging...where it's technically still an open relationship.
I would leave personally. Love yourself. Expect more.